be happy

whenever i look back, things always seem to be better. memories happier, life less complicated, even my mood cheerier. this can't be true. if so, i must be falling into a turbulent pool of declining self-worth. it must be my mind playing tricks on me, just like how grass is always greener on the other side.

happiness is not as easy as it seems. when you were a child, all you need is very little. very little to make you smile, very little to make you contented. when have we made ourselves so complicated? why have we made ourselves so complicated? i was told that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. why then is my face not forever lighted up and that silly grin a permanent feature? god knows i don't have much to be sad about.

i want to be happy. hell, it's one of my resolutions for this year and next. however, i find that i need to make a conscious effort and a whole lot of determination to be happy. i have to wear that reminder like a tatoo on my forehead.

perhaps i have it all wrong. happiness is not laughter, silly grins, jokes and feeling all light and bubbly. that's drunk! maybe happiness is this feeling of peacefulness and confidence that i am experiencing. a deep insight into things surrounding that little will shake my world....

i don't think i'm ready for happiness. to truly know happiness, you must have experienced sadness.

i like where i am.

still, it will be a nice reminder to include 'be happy' in one of my resolutions.....or perhaps 'be drunk' whilst sober is the phrase i am looking for.

resolutions

today is the last weekday in the year 2006 and most probably my last post for this year.

the end of another year. i guess there are two ways to look at it; depending on whether you are a pessimist or an optimist. we can always look forward to the things the new year promises, or look back on that lost which we have been unable to grasp hold off. i would love to say that i fit into the shoes of someone who looks on the bright side but my heart string tugs at memories past. i guess i will always be someone who will turn and look back once in a while in my footsteps forward.

for the first time ever in my life, i started a list of resolutions at the start of this year. the point of it? maybe to see how much i have achieved in what i set out for myself. those goals aren't impossible to achieve...yet, looking back on the list, i find myself only achieving 1.5 of the 6. darn pitiful, don't you think?

i reflect and it amazes me how much different my sentiments were then and now. simple as they were, i find myself stubbornly reluctant to complete some of the tasks i have set out for myself. all because my heart is no longer in it.

readers must be scratching their head, wondering what my resolutions were. that is not the point. although they are not secrets that cannot be revealed to the light of day, i do not see the point of listing them out, especially when i have failed so drastically.

i shall set out a new list of resolutions here for myself for the new year.

let me ponder on this for a few days; to see what i want for myself for the year 2007.

childish

let me start by saying i have a very annoying nephew. one with attitude. one who is spoilt to the max. i harbour a secret desire to trash his not-so-little bottom, and i would if i won't get in trouble with the rest of the family.

that little menace had the galls to ask for a $300+ christmas present from this aunty, which isn't necessary a bad thing if he has been a little angel all year round and rarely gets any goodies from his near and dear. on the contrary, of course. $300! hello? i can feed a lot of people with that, you know? families from the flood-troubled johor will be grateful for that kind of donation. whatever happened to a nice book or a new set of stationeries to start the new academic year? he obviously does not understand the value of money. *shaking head* however, this aunty does not want to look like el cheapo by not getting his desire from the nearest toys 'r' us. plus, it does seem pretty unfair that his sisters have already received their presents before christmas and his is still 'in progress'.

i received a phone call from him this morning, bright and early, even before half of you are seated behind your desk. wow! he misses me that much.....not! i never found out the real reason he called me as i decided to come clean before he got his hopes up high. he has just returned from his holiday and after his greeting, i informed him that i have not been able to get his present as toys 'r' us has run out of the stock during the christmas madness. this is where it pisses me off...and hence my ranting in this post. the little boy took on the most dramatic reaction and started sighing and whining. it started with a very annoying "WHA???!!!". oh yes, visions of me wringing his neck came vividly into my mind and my hands itched so badly. i told him that i'll bring him to choose another present soon but he went on and on about how he could have got it in japan during his holidays, if i had told him earlier. sighhhhh! god, please give me patience. i pushed back the blame on him and told him that he could have called me to ascertain that i have not already bought it for him. (this was sparked off because during his last birthday, he asked me to buy an original psp game for him and he later went off and asked his father to get the very same game). he replied very impatiently that japan is too far to make a phone call. god knows how many phone calls i have already received from them! then he hung up! he hung up on me!!!

which brings me here to release my pent-up frustration. he didn't give me the satisfaction of screaming down the phone at him or releasing my childish side by repeating 'i can't hear you, i can't hear you'. he didn't give me the joy of hanging up on him first. maybe i should get him a stink bomb and wrap it up as a beautiful present.

suddenly, i'm reduced to a whining, frustrated childish aunty. sighhhhh!

is he the child or am i?

this wasn't even what my post today was supposed to be about.

just another day

'twas the day after boxing day when nothing seems to be going right and little ms. me is feeling lethargic and lazy after a rather busy morning, with cries of 'mummy, mummy' going right, left and center all day. my ears are ringing from their pleas for attention and i can still hear their echo even after they have stopped calling. it is a blessing that school holiday is coming to an end soon for i have temporary shrink-wrapped my brain and sent it for storage as i have not been able to exercise it at all during this short restless period.

everything else is quiet all around; the roads are empty of cars and all living things seem to be on holiday. my internet connection is going to the extreme in controlling my access and i'm left with a handful of sites to visit. forget porn, i can't even log into yahoo.

the little master is insistent on not applying sunblock before he goes down to the playground. i am equally insistent that he applies it or he stays at home. now i have a sulking little boy on my hand whilst the reasonable and co-operative sister goes down to the playground. i can hear the faint sound of sniffling coming from somewhere inside his room. sigh! breathe ..... breathe. perhaps one of my resolution for the new year should be to have more patience with a stubborn, opinionated, lazy and mischievious boy. oh oh, i can feel him staring at me with dagger looks.

sometimes, i need some breathing space. as much as i prefer their company to manipulative and phony adults, i sometimes yearn for some time of my own. to think, to chat with friends and to have some fun. the thing with children is that they take up so much of your time and attention. then again, as most people will tell you, they will only do that for a short number of years. sigh! by which time, you'll start wishing that they don't stop clinging to you. the irony of motherhood.

looks like i better go off and do something about those sniffling, before it turns into a major flood.

merry christmas to all

reminder to self: pleaseeeee write your post for the day before you surf other bloggers' site. each time i log into the net, filled with witty things to write about and smart quips, i leave a little empty after visiting other blogs. it's strange. it's almost like i leave a little of myself in each blog until i return to my own with nothing; my thoughts all muddled, my feelings burried. i forget what it is i wanted to write. sigh!

a merry christmas to all!

i am so humbled by the fact that some of you actually took the trouble to come in here and leave a greeting for me, considering also that i did a m.i.a. (though not on purpose) for a couple of days. i thank you with all my heart, especially those that made a special appearance just for the purpose. i am most happy that i was in your thoughts on this warm festivity.

it has been hectic, to say the least, right up until the very last day. hence, my 'disappearance'. perhaps the absence did me good. blogging has become a very tedious task to me, as i try to satisfy my readers with regular posts. it is not so much the writing, which i still love with a passion, but more of the time and place suited for it. as wise people say; there is a time and place for everything. lately, i have been writing my posts in a hurry and i do not feel that it properly reflects my soul. the words are not mine, merely outpour of a harrassed and tired mind.

as i lay quietly with myself during my absence, i daydream of sitting in the middle of the quiet night, fingers rapidly clicking on the keyboard as i become one with my thoughts. i imagine myself to be a regular columnist with a popular newspaper, furnishing the dailies with short witty tales. it will never be part of my destiny, so i am grateful that at least here in this blogosphere i can live my dream, if only for a little while.

this year has been the most chrismassy christmas in all my life. is it the best? i don't know, it just feels like the most festive celebration of the occasion.



the kids became santa helpers for a couple of days, learning to earn their keep as they go about frolicking in the christmas spirit. i witnessed with my own eyes the launching of the mall's christmas celebration. it was like a call beckoning me to begin my own jubilation.


the first christmas party i attended this year. there were presents, fine wine, laughters and good time galore. everybody went home with a smile in their heart and a memory to add to their chest. during this festive period, almost everyday in the calendar was marked by an unforgettable event. it was truly a celebration to the very last.



the final leg of my christmas celebration.

i return to my place behind the desk with a satiated tummy, a tired body and a contented soul...and a little virus running havoc in my throat as souvenier.

listening with your ears

over the weekend, i borrowed some friends.

as a result of having spent my childhood years divided between two countries, my friends are now all over the world, separated by distance and time. for those truly fated to remain in my life, i have been able to keep in contact with them or recently locate over the internet. the rest have disappeared, carried away by the wind of change.

i envy people with groups of friends, mostly because i have none myself. especially those that have witnessed your growing up and have been through thick and thin with you. do you have someone in your life that will like you no matter what you say or do? someone that will be your friend no matter how you persistently arrive late for meetings or forget their birthdays? someone who wouldn't be offended by your often frank remarks and honest opinions? someone who lets you be who you are?

i digress.

last sunday i attended a christmas party, cum birthdays party. yes, birthdays. in the plural sense. although i do not know most of the partygoers, it was still nice to be a witness to the group of friends jollying in the festive mood. is there such a word: 'jollying'? there must be. how else would you describe what it is that santa claus does. we sang christmas carols, made small talks and enjoyed the good food. this year seems more like christmas then any other year.

of late, i have been under the impression that i am a lousy communicator. sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings do not come easy to me. however, i recenty realise that it's not me. it is they who are lousy listeners. damn lousy too.

who in the right mind will want to share with someone whose glance keeps sneaking to the doorway, as if expecting mr handsome prince to walk through the door any minute? it really is a pain in the behind, you know, as if i am somehow blind and cannot see the frequent darting of the eyes. if you want to be somewhere else, i will be happy not to keep you.

then there was that lady who greeted me and then stood right there, texting something on her handphone, while i stood in limbo, waiting for her to continue. i was seriously debating whether i should continue walking off!

some have the supernatural powers of retaining the words i say without even using his conscious mind. there will be a delay gap of thirty seconds before the words actually enter into his brain, much like live radio, and he acknowledges them. his reply will return when your mind is already on something else. it is quite an amazing ability, to retain information without actually processing it. then again, i believe this skill is limited only to the male sex. other times, the words are lost somewhere between the distance from my mouth and his ears.

there are those who answer to your whining and ranting with a nonchalant casual reply. hello? i'm being very agitated here and you tell me 'it's like that'? not exactly conducive response to more confidence, friend. there should be a short course on the proper way to a good conversation; the correct place to insert a few 'yes', 'poor thing', 'i know what you mean' and the 'i'm listening intently' look. how all these people will benefit!

so, i tell you, it's not me, it's them. they need to have a good pair of functional listening ears. listening is a lost virtue.

the dinner

i went for the dinner last night.

as i have imagined, it was a hoot and i had a wonderful time. i always have a good time in their company, maybe because we are of the same wavelength and are as crazy. we laughed ourselves silly, cracking jokes the whole night and gossiping about neighbouring tables. the hostess was extremely late, but we didn't wait for her to begin our lunacy.

after a good night sleep, my brain is a little less warped. just a little less, mind you. i finally understand why i was reluctant to go, despite the fact that i knew i would have a pleasant time. i was a little resentful of her demand on my time, especially when she knew that i would have my hands full with my in-laws here. i had to reject her once previously because of the same reason, and i guess i was mildly put off by the fact that she did not take the hint. what a selfish heart i possess. a kind invitation to a fun night but i was irritated that she took a portion of my limited time with my in-laws.

sigh! seeing the happiness in her eyes and the difference our presence made in her night was enough to remind me not to be so selfish again. often times, we forget about other's feelings and concentrate only on our own; our own inconvenience, our own displeasure. it's so appropriate that i was reminded of this lesson, on this season of giving.

we winded up fairly early as the group adjourned to karaoke and i made my way home. by this time, on normal nights, i would have been rolling half-asleep on the sofa. last night, as i drove home and enjoyed the cool night air and the empty roads, a black honda driving at break-neck speed suddenly pulled up and cruised beside me. i was dumb-founded. what did this guy want? go on, speed away. for a few seconds, there was just me and this car next to me, cruising down the road. i was concentrating hard on the road, but after what seemed like forever, and that stupid car did not continue speeding away, i turned to look at the driver, with a mixture of irritation and curiousity. i can't remember how he looks like, i'm sure he will be disappointed to hear me say. i can't recall if he is fat or thin, with mustache or glasses. it should have made a more prominent mark on my memory, seeing that it doesn't happen too often. however, my mind was foggy and i was a little blur, to put it nicely. with that split second turn of my head, i focused back my attention on the roads and ignored him, a little miffed.

several seconds later, he drove on. my mind half-asleep, i didn't even understand what happened just then. what was wrong with that guy? why did he slowed to a crawl beside me? what did he want? not until he drove on and stuck his hand out of the window and waved goodbye did i realise that the stupid fella was trying to check me out. *rolls eye*

i must be really out of touch. i didn't realise that guys check girls out on the road. idiot. hello? roads are for driving. sheesh! if i could say anything to him, i would tell him to be careful who he picks up on the roads, late in the night. i'm not talking about creatures of another dimension. rather, in the dark of the night, all women look beautiful. lighted by the romantic moon, all women look sexy.

which brings me to an advice i have heard somewhere - a word of caution to all men. be careful of the women you pick up at night. in the morning, when the false eyelashes are removed, the make-up smudged, the push-up bra and supporting underwear removed and the wig taken off, you may get the fright of your life!

konking out

too many obligations, too many promises, too many year-end catching up to do. what should be a joyous time of the year, meeting up with new friends and old and celebrating the festive occasion is taking quite a toll on me this year, and i haven't even begun to do any of the above! i have so many things marked down in my calendar that i have a hard time keeping up with it.

infact, some were confused over my actual point in the previous post. i must admit, i am not quite sure i am able to clarify either. i just felt something sitting in the bottom of my heart and wanted to pour it all out. at this point in time, my brain is too tired to even function, much less make deeper analysis into what i was ranting about. sorry guys, to bog you down over something that even i do not know what i was talking about. let's move on.

i love christmas, especially this year's. i'll be able to meet up with many different groups of friends, all before this year will be up. it sounds very hectic and believe me, it will be, but for some reason, i'm feeling strangely tired even before any of it begin. i think i'm coming down with something. maybe too many restless nights.

i just need to hold on a little bit longer. pop some vitamin c to keep me going.

i'm tired....and there is still so much to do.

a simple dinner party

i was recently invited to a dinner party. the body is willing but the heart is weak. usually it will be the other way round but this time i find myself not really looking forward to it. infact, dreading it may be the word for it.

not that it wouldn't be fun. nor the company unpleasant. infact, i bet it will be a barrel of laughs and i will have a good time too. i have yet to solve the mystery for my uncooperative temperament.

i have been mulling it over and wondering if i have any feasible excuse for not attending. normally, a 'my in-laws are here' or 'i've got something on that night' would have been enough. however, this time i feel exceedingly guilty and my conscience won't allow me to say it.

the moment i received her text about the dinner party, i guessed that it was a invitation to celebrate her birthday as the date was too close to be coincidental. it is also because of this reason that i find myself unable to turn her down.

most of us will feel comfortable enough in our own company to be able to keep the celebration of our birthday on a low tune. the mere presence of our loved ones around us during that day would have suffice. a few lunch invitations from close friends will top the icing on the cake but if none surfaced, we will be happy enough to be by ourselves. all that because we do not feel the racking feeling of loneliness, day in and day out.

i don't know. maybe i am reading this wrong but to have to extend an invitation for dinner on your birthday sounds like a cry in the dark to me, a plea against spending it all alone that evening. i have never had to ask others to celebrate it for me and i guess in that way i am lucky. for that reason, my heart bleeds for her. for her desperate cry against loneliness or her apparent inability to enjoy her own company, i don't know. it doesn't matter. as i said, i could be reading this wrong. maybe because i am so aware of the stories in her past that i have misinterpreted her emotions.

anyway, i feel obliged to go. to be there with her when she needs me, consciously or unconsciously. it's better to read too much into this, be paranoid and to travel down the safe path, than to disregard it and forever regret the effects my callousness will cause.

our deadliest enemy

it's nearly halfway through the final month of 2006 and i have not even had the chance to blink my eye. i haven't even adjusted to calling this month december and it's already half over. whatever happened to my list of things to do for this year? how about my new year resolutions? for that matter, what were they again?

these last few months have been absolutely crazy. i can hardly find the time to blog. events come and pass; all dutily recorded in the camera but did not manage to find their way into the blog. as time lag, the enthusiasm to post about it also pass. moments to sit down and reflect on my thoughts were few and far between. i have a few words i wanted to leave here.....but the moment was inopportune and so i let it pass.

i was reflecting on how time seem to pass even quicker as one age. anyone who has reach 35 will understand the sentiment and echo my feelings. last night the reason suddenly came to me.

it's because as we age, our interests grow. when we were young, all we wanted to do was to play...play...and play. the occasional yummilicious ice-cream here, some sweets there and as much tv watching as the adults will allow. that was all. all we cared about and all we wanted. hence, there seems to be so much time. after mickey clubhouse, what time was it again? 3.30pm. after the smurfs? 4.00pm? some rope skipping.....only 4.10pm?

now, as we grow, we want to do everything. see everything, eat everything, try everything and go everywhere. even our friends have increased manifolds, categorised by the different phases of our lives. there will never be enough time to do everything *looking crestfallen*.

can we slow down time by keeping our life simple then? cut down all our interests and activites and our group of friends? we imprison ourselves at home till the faint smell of rotting whiffs past our nose; then we will know that it is us who are starting to decompose. we look at the clock, and it was but two minutes after we last checked. we sit around with nothing to do but stare vacantly into air. time will crawl by.

what will be the point of that then?

nobody's in

*knocking on the head*

knock, knock.

sorry, there is nobody in today.....or any other day.

what is wrong with me?

he shuts the drawer and i jump up, wide awake. his joints cracked when he enters the room and i startle from my sleep. do you think i need ear muffs when i hit snooze city? perhaps invest in a good pair of ear plugs created specially for F1 races?

somebody drug me, pleaseeeeee!

i want my sleep. i need my sleep. once i am awake, however, i can't go back to sleep. i'm peering at the computer screen with bleary eyes and a splitting headache. i have forgotten what it is that i wanted to talk about today. my brain has taken an extended vacation for the festive season. i have a thousand things that i need to do, but no energy or willpower to get my butt of the chair to do it.

maybe i need a cup of coffee?

or shopping therapy?

i will be right back when i locate my brain.

a purpose

i am a lady with a purpose.

do you see the glint in my eye?

today, i have found a new objective; a goal, if you must. i have a purpose in life. ta dah!

from now on, every morning that i wake up, i have something to look forward to. something that makes me want to jump out of bed, something that makes my heart skip a beat. do you have that in your life?

let me relate the story of this life-changing chapter of my life: it was all accidental, you understand, the discovery of my mission. my nieces and nephew were having their friends over for the holiday and i was sent to my mum’s storage room to locate the plastic cups for the purpose. if i had known it was going to be an adventure trek, i would have brought along my oil lamp, map and survival bag.

as it was, i was ill-equipped for the mission into…..THE STORAGE, the boundaries of the unknown. boxes were piled high, filled with the mysterious. creepy crawlies that you have never seen before have made this place their home. scientists will be awe at the discovery of new species but people have been known to go in and never come out.....alive! you scrap away at the thick layer of dust and slime and all you will get are more dust and slime. there is only one sole motto here; if you want it, you will never be able to find it. little invisible elves work in this place to make sure of that and hide everything that you may possibly be looking for, all in the blink of an eye. wha??? i thought it was there a moment ago; that's what people always say.

i am determined to re-organise her store. my compulsive deranged virgo-an hands are itchy to alphabetize and categorise her stuffs. i’m practically rubbing my hands with glee and dreaming of the master plan to put everything in its proper place. ahhhhhh! the ultimate heaven; our new motto shall be – everything right at our finger tips, when and where we want it!

the next question is…..how do I get her out of the house?

my scheming mind is turning already.

the saint - roger me

i couldn't resist (for those who are lost, read jonzz's comment in the last post)

an honour or an insult?

words fail to describe my present emotional high at this moment. i am elated, to say the very least. i feel i want to share it here with my fellow bloggers, and let everybody be witness to this joyous and momentous occasion.

i have never in a million years expected this to befall me and i am shocked that i have been given such an honour. *sob*. truth (see ian, i can spell this word correctly now) be told, i have never won any medal or trophy during my schooling years. needless to say, if i didn't win one then, i am definitely not expecting to win one now, especially taking into account my present....ahem! fitness condition.

thus, it came as a total surprise to me to be informed that i have been declared a winner, deserving of a beautiful trophy no less.

sengkor has declared me the champion of some ad-hoc contest that he has held and which, of course, i have no idea i had even participated. this piece of metal is sure beautiful.....what is the words inscribed on it?....wait, let me put on my specs....wha???!?!! the most cruel blogger award?!?!?!? moi? cruel?

he must be kidding! since when have you heard of laughing be labeled as an act of cruelty? is it not a reflex action of the amused? how can exhibiting my artistic talents be considered cruel? was van gogh ever called cruel? ahhhhhhhh! such abuse of the beauty of art. such ignorance. such insult.

sigh! i don't know whether i should hold this trophy up high with pride or stash it in the nearest bin.

however, if someone was to hand me a 20 cents coin, i'm sure i can live up to the name and honour. hmmmmm....this trophy is made of metal...maybe i can put it to good use. anybody spotted sengkor's car recently? *wicked laughter ringing in the air*

note to sengkor: pssst, see the photo above? i have a photo of your car (well, probably one of the three in the background. high likelihood that it is the one with your bag on it) *raise eyebrow* be afraid. be very afraid. kakakakaka.

don't make it my business

this post is sexually explicit and is not suitable for minors below 18 years of age. if you are a minor, please read with guidance from adults (that goes for you too, ian). LOL.

his wife called me to find out the whereabouts of her husband.

do i look like a husband-locator device? or a private dick? (as in private detective, okaaayyy?) *rolls eye*

i used to be nonchalant about men having action on the go, whilst having the marital ring around his finger, physical or otherwise. well, it was never my business, why did i care? if he wants to dip his stick in another's pot, and his wife tolerates that, who am i to add any comment?

recently however, i seem to have lost my tolerance for this category of husbands, which is on the rise. they seem to be responsible for a whole range of spousal medical problems, ranging from delirium, transformation into shrewness, delusions, hallucinations, suspicions and all in all, mental breakdown. they turn a perfectly good woman into a demented, frightened, delusional tigress. which is all fine still if it's none of my business, but once it trespasses on my peace of mind, it makes me agitated.

i hate husbands who give their wives reasons for such suspicions, or rather, i look down on them. i lose my respect for them. i try to live my life by not judging other people, try being the key word here. i believe that everybody has their own reasons for doing something and we will never understand unless we have walked a mile in their shoes. however, in the pursuit of your own happiness, if you trample on another being's self-respect and dignity, it just doesn't quite jive. if you don't love her anymore or if you are hungering over another piece of meat, let her go.

i know that there is fallacy in my sense of reasoning but it just seems like mental abuse to me. i don't know, maybe i have never been the type to sit, cross my hands and just whine. i have to be pro-active in the things i want or like. i can't wait for it to come to me. so, it frustrates me to see someone be subjected to a situation where they seem powerless and are constantly hounded by it. for me, the answer will be simple; give that jerk the boot! then again, things are never that easy.

men argue that they are not meant to be monogamous. fine really, so stick with your wild crowd of orgies. don't marry a decent woman and hurt her after she has given you a few good years. human beings have sexual longings, it's the natural order of life to ensure procreation. when you are only answerable to yourself, go hump away all night and day. no one cares. however, when you have promised to love only that one (and who asked you to be stupid enough to say 'i do' that faithful day?!), then you should at least have the decency to refrain yourself from your instincts, even if it means putting your little dicky bird under locks and chains or having cold shower every night and day.

and another thing; an orgasm is an orgasm, is it not? with this woman or with another woman. is there such a thing as orgasm with a rating of 1 to 10? i don't know, i'm not experienced enough to tell from a man's point of view. so, if an orgasm is an orgasm, why should it matter if you have it with your spouse or that cute sexy chick walking down the road? she gets you hot and fired up? rush home and look for the one waiting for you at home.

ok, as i've said, i know my naive point of view has many shortfalls and i'm ready for your onslaught of attacking comments. *shrugs* just my point of view, if you may.

then again, it's none of my business, why do i care?

windows

there are some people who will look at teary red swollen eyes and ask, "err...have you been cutting onions or something?". then, there are those that will sit down, take one glance at the missing glitter in your eyes and exclaim, "whatever is bothering you?".

such perceptiveness is rare, scary even. it should be refreshing to have another person understand your emotions so well, perhaps better than yourself. however, in this cold harsh world, we are so used to hiding everything within our inner core, where access is only by invitation and a key. to have someone be able to see through the windows of your soul, merely by looking into your eyes, is unnerving to say the least.

i have never believed in the phrase 'our eyes are the windows to our soul'. my eyes do not tell tales of the past. when you stare deep inside, all you will see is a dark black (or is it dark brown?) pool of ...retina? you may even be able to see your own reflection but definitely no stories. peeling off my layers like an onion with one look, i don't want.

i'm going to have to close my eyes now.

am i a mushroom or what?

do i look like a mushroom?

i wish people will stop feeding me freaking bullshit!

it is most frustrating - to look someone in the eye and pretend to accept what they say at face value, whilst deep down you know that it is nothing but crap. you have to mute your conscience and fix a gullible stare in your eyes. all the while, you only want to shout and scream at them for being so stupid, so careless.

i don't know how long i can keep up this facade of naivety. my job scope entails that i know a lot about other people's skeletons in their closet and my usually blur look misleads people into believing so. i do not profess otherwise either.

i am often a good listener...and so people like to tell me things. things which, upon comparison, conflict with other people's version of the story.

sigh! from these various routes comes my knowledge of the thruth. it is how i know they are lying straight to my face. still, i stand there and listen, while they feed me heaps after heapful of bullshit. i sometimes wonder why is it that it is i who cannot look at them in the eye, when it should be the other way around. perhaps it is the fact that i know the thruth and i am purposely (?) misleading them with my silence and because of that, i am also guilty of lying.

i hate lies. lies with good intention and lies of all sorts. i react to a person based on what i know, what i see, what i hear and what i believe. if you say bad things about me, i will be angry. if you are nice to me, i will be happy. it should be a simple equation. imagine if all that is just a farce. what you see is not what you get, what you hear is not the thruth, how then do you react? if everything is not what it seems, how can you form a genuine reaction? even with all good intention, a lie is a lie. if i ask 'am i fat?' and you reply 'no', i may be tempted to wear that short mini-skirt or eat another piece of cake. all the while though, your mind is comparing me to the elephant you saw in the national geographic channel. isn't that betrayal of some sort? perhaps some women like to hear beautiful lies. as i always say, i don't mind hearing lies but never ever let me even have an inkling of the thruth. as it is, the thruth is hard to keep away and so, i rather hear the cold hard thruth.

many readers don't like it when i am serious like this. however, i thought i should at least be true to myself. if this is how i am feeling, this is what i will be writing. nobody will be forever happy, the vice versa also rings true. if i am agitated, you will probably read a rambling post like this. the good thing is .....i feel much better after leaving it all here.

*grins* bear with me.

heart strings

have you ever had the feeling where your heart really looks forward to an event, yet at the same time you fear it’s arrival? the feeling of anticipation coupled with anxiety, it’s quite the paradox. it simply tears you apart; one side of you yearns to greet it, whilst the other turns the event round and round in your head, analyzing it into tiny molecules.

things are never simple. nor easy. whilst i cannot wait to see her again, my heart is heavy with dread. perhaps i fear what i will see or perhaps i fear the death of my hopes. it should be so straight-forward but maybe i am just a complicated person.

all this may sound senseless to a reading bystander; consider it as ramblings of a person who needs to be at peace. i have forgotten how pain in the heart can be so physically hurting and how the mere act of shopping for her daughter can dig up so much painful memories. memories that was once shared by her and me.

when something goes wrong and you have no way of changing it, your mind blocks out its presence. you pretend it never happened. that is the only way of coping, the only way of continuing. somehow, sometime, however you will be brought back to reality. you will then have to learn the way to cope momentarily with all the sadness..until you can once again shove it back into the closet and close your eyes and mind to the memories.

is this the way to live? is this the way to cope? i don't know, i don't have all the answers. i just do it the way i know how.

it's up!

these pictures are in response to annie's request for a picture post.

my christmas tree is up! it takes so much hassle to put it up every year, so i thought i'll put it up earlier this time so that i can enjoy looking at it longer before i have to tear it down again.


at the moment, the bottom of the tree looks quite bare. presents for me, anyone?



christmas carols, big dinners, drunk santas, leery party-makers, long list of presents to buy....sigh! it's what the season is all about.


the two little ones are going to be santa helpers at a nearby shopping centre this year and they seem to be pretty excited about it.

it's so hot and sunny here that many people don't feel it's christmassy....but i think christmas is in the heart.

a piece of my thoughts

beware! those that have been diagnosed by doctors as having short attention span, please jump to another blogsite NOW! there is no turning back beyond this point! for those with weak hearts and high blood pressure, this post may cause dizziness and palpitations. i hold no liability for any medical conditions caused by reading this entry.

i've been fairly quiet recently, i know. i haven't even had time to make my usual rounds to other blogger's site. *gasp!* thousand apologies! i just haven't been in the right mood to write recently, or to boot up the computer for that matter. i just can't seem to find a minute to sit down quietly and pen my thoughts, what with school holiday, spring cleaning and a thousand other chores on hand.

the in-laws are coming! *double gasp!* plus, they will be staying for one month this time round! *triple gasp!* while they are the best in-laws anybody can wish for, i have never had the opportunity to stay with them under one roof for more than 14 days during my entire 11 years of marriage. whilst it is fairly easy to play the part of an obedient, sub-servient, sweet daughter-in-law for short periods of time, it's going to be a challenge for me to be on my best behaviour for an extended period.

"no problem lah!", says the man who smacks his buttocks and leave for work every morning, leaving everything in my hands until he returns at the end of the day. sigh! i do adore having his parents around, but it's undeniably still a challenge for me to keep two elderly people and two whiny demanding kids entertained. it is after all school holiday and the kids have a mountainful of activites all lined up for them. i can't very well leave my in-laws locked at home, staring at each other for hours and go gallivanting, or so it will seem to their eyes, with the kids. before the end of the week, they will start holding picket signs objecting to the mental abuse. nevermind, i will jump that hurdle when i come across it.

annie may find the next paragraph a little bewildering, what with our foreign cultures and all but bear with me. it's nearly the end of the year and many fortune tellers have come out with their horoscope for next year. i must admit that i am not a total disbeliever but my usual absent-mindedness stops me from latching any serious implications to it. it goes in one ear and out the next, as with all things that are repeated to me. i have been told that next year, the year of the boar, is not such a good one for me. i take all that with a pinch of salt, although i will still visit the temple to do the annual rituals, which i do every year anyway, come good or bad. perhaps what is more troubling is the forecast for those born under the year of the dragons; my mother. sigh! it's time like this that i become aware of how i can't shield my loved ones from potential harm, no matter how much i will like to. i will prefer all the bad forecasts to be directed to the boars which perhaps are not entirely fair to the other boars. all types of ugly scenarios flash through this over-active virgo's imagination and i must constantly remind myself not to panic. breathe, breathe. sheesh! what a drama-queen. seriously though, i worry but i act nonchalant so as not to frighten my mother further. this year has already been the worst of my life and i hope that this year will still hold that record when i look back at the end of next year. i don't think i'm ready for more grown up responsibilities yet. i don't quite know how to deal with the heartache yet.

black thursday

this morning started out as the absolute crappiest (to borrow a phrase from sengkor).

my deep slumber was roughly awakened by somebody informing me that my daughter's ride to school today will not be available. stupid people. they don't know the perils of interrupting a lady dragon in her beauty sleep. *scorchhhh!*

so, i became designated driver today. halfway through the trip, i realised that the car is running dangerously low on fuel and i have a long way to go. whizzing around at 110kmh is hardly the time to suddenly run out of petrol. plus my handphone is blinking 'recharge, recharge'. sighhhhh! it is not a good start to an early morning. still, i ignored the needle as it continued to inch downwards. i seem to have a surreal sense of security that i will not be stranded on the highway as i stubbornly chose to plough on.

amazingly, i survived the trip to school and back, with the car and myself intact (a pose with a sign of victory is appropriate here). however, the mighty powers above decided to test my patience a little wee bit more. the entire morning, i bumped into every table corner, scraped my knee, stubbed my toe and knocked against things like a drunken fool. each time, i took a deeper breath. i'm not quite ready to explode yet.

during my second chauffer round this morning, i ventured into the nearest petrol station, only to realise that i have forgotten the pin number for the petrol card. i know you are listening up there. i think i have enough for today, thank you. i tried a couple of number combinations that were floating around in that grey space but as my luck will have it today, it was rejected. rolling my eyes, sighing as loud as i possibly can, i fished out some cold hard cash to put enough petrol so that the car will behave - for today, at least. i had to go back for my receipt, which i forgot due to the present condition of my mind. if the man behind the glass window had uttered a single remark of discontent, there would have been a massacre there and then! luckily some people know when to keep their mouth shut.

scooting my son off to school, i made a quick detour to the nearest shopping centre to pick up some stuffs. yes, yes. it was written in my destiny today. for some quirky reasons, the road to the shopping centre, and no where else, was jammed pack with cars, crawling mind you, not even moving. by the time the car was able to reach the shopping centre, i had 30 mins before i had to hop on again and take my son home from school! what day is it today anyway?! black thursday the 16th?!

fast forward 3 hours later (thank goodness my house did not collapse during that time or my car explode!) and it's time to pick up daughter again. this time, i realise that my touch-n-go (toll reload card) was bankrupt and i had no other choice but to join the very long queue to refill the card as i pass the toll. just when i was pressing for time, someone must have heard my prayers and decided to amuse themselve at my expense.

i'm barely holding it together at the moment. any possible thing may trigger an explosion of frustration that i have been trying so hard to contain today. i sighed and i sighed. when will this day end?

all things magical

for those of you thinking of coming in here and tempting me with talks about food again, be warned! food deprivation has transformed me into a raving dangerous lunatic. step on the topic at the risk of your own life!

i am attempting to post a new entry here but the lack of sustenance and nutrients to my brain may make all efforts seem incoherent. nevertheless, try to follow along and pretend you understand what i am talking about.

it's so difficult to be a good mother to children nowadays, especially when they are so clever and intuitive. i like my children to believe in magic, tooth-fairy, santa claus and all that hogwash. it's delusion and manipulation at its best but i feel that it's a happier childhood. to be able to believe that good things do come true and that there is a little magic in the world; it's like looking at the world with rose-tinted glasses - so dreamy and beautiful. therefore, whilst i still can, i will like to preserve the image of a beautiful world for them.

so, my children grew up believing that the toothfairy will pay them money for their teeth, and they look forward to christmas when santa will bring them an extra present, if they are good. even when forgetful ms. toothfairy forgot to collect the tooth under the pillow one time, my daughter held on strong to her faith.

that was then. she's 7 now and the cynical side of her is growing, displacing the innocence. after numerous tooth-falling and cashing in on tooth fairy's deal, she came to me one day with "mummy, tell me the thruth, is tooth fairy real?". being cornered like that, i couldn't lie to her straight in the face. so, i told her what every other mother in my situation would, "go ask your father". men, being men, will never have qualm about breaking a child's bubble. with his answer, my daughter now knows that it is her parents who have been sneaking into her room at night and replacing the tooth with a note. she has been harboring a suspicion for some time now so i guess it is hardly shocking news to her. looking at her cherubic face, i couldn't tell if she was disappointed with the answer.

from now on, there will be nothing magical about dropping a tooth. sigh! i am disappointed. i don't want to let go of my illusions just yet. give me back the tooth fairy! well, at least the 5yo doesn't know about the conspiracy yet, so he'll still look forward to exchanging his milk teeth for cold hard cash.

the 7 yo hasn't ask for the thruth about santa claus yet. if she's a clever little girl, she'll know that she better keep her mouth shut, unless she is ready to give up that extra present.

dying with a 't'

i’m going to die, with a t!

lately i have been putting on too many pounds, too quickly. initially, when the numbers on the scale started inching higher i gave it a little leaway. nah, it’s just water retention. a little extra weight won’t hurt. it’ll come down in no time, don’t you worry your pretty little head over it. however, when the numbers kept going up, like my age, it’s now time to declare war – on my fats. hey, it’s definitely not muscle that i’m packing in!

today is the first day of my diet! my body is extremely intuitive. mention the word diet, and it screams that it is hungry, even if you have just sat down for a wonderful three-course meal. this nice blogger has already turned into a snarling growling vicious hungry little lady. sob! at 10.30 this morning, i have resorted to eating my lunch. at 1pm, i needed something more; a post-lunch lunch. and now, at 4:00pm, i don’t have any energy left to punch the keyboards. is it time for dinner yet?

why is it that you gain 1kilogram from a 500 grams cheeseburger? where does the weight come from?!! why doesn’t it work like a piggy bank; how much you put in is how much you get? all those complicated calorie counts and carbohydrate theories! it doesn’t make sense! it’s illogical. if you add 100 grams to a box that weighs 10g, it will now be 110gms, right? there’s no calorie or metabolism crap. if my theory was true, everybody will be eating candy floss!! yummmmmy!

shit! this is no way to start a diet – with more talk of food! over the weekend, i have pre-cooked and pre-planned my meals for the week. they are all sitting nicely in my lock-n-lock boxes in the freezer, ready in the press of a button. sounds like wonderful planning, doesn't it? well, there is one huge flaw in all that..and it seems like it's going to be the downfall of my diet. i underestimated the portion size!! darn! two chicken wings for lunch?! bah, i can eat the whole chicken!!wait a minute! i keep coming back to the topic of food!

i need something to channel all my energy into. excuse me while i flip through my magazines (and slash those pictures of super-thin sexy models with my cutter.)

slow dance

a friend sent me this.....

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask

How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done!

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,"Hi"

You'd better slow down. D

on't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

this poem was written by a young girl stricken with terminal cancer and a limited extension to her life. the words are beautiful, the message strong. what jars me the most is how relevant it is to my life right now, as if the words are written for my eyes. this came as one of those chain-letter mail and being the cynic that i have always been, i take the story with an ounce of salt. however, the thruth in the story is irrelevant here, perhaps most important is the gentle reminder for me to slow down.

this year has been most troublesome for me, as some of you know. i have lost something very dear and irreplaceable, something that i never knew mean so much to me, something that i never appreciated before it was gone. the regret. the sadness. the frustration. the anger. the hopelessness. a multitude of feelings that i have never had to experience. you will never be able to truly grasp my feeling unless you have gone through it personally.

without knowing, the scarring experience has subconsciously pushed me to live everyday harder; to play harder, to work harder and to live life a little harder. deep down there is this nagging feeling that i may be skimming over life, but it is so hard to resist this natural tendency. it's hard to slow down once the wagon has started.

i am guilty of all the things she said. i cannot remember the countless times i've told my kids 'we'll do it tomorrow', only to forget about it. running through next day's schedule just as i am retiring for the night seems like second nature to me now and the last time i remember sitting idly watching kids play was more than a decade back. i always seem to be rushing through today's event in anticipation of tomorrow's.

let this be my wake-up alarm for today.

let this remind me to slow down and enjoy life as it pass.

that b****

blogging is for people with lots of free time on their hand; time to deliberate on issues and come up with inspiring and touching stories. at the very least, eloquent and well-presented tales. it's definitely not for desperate 'not-quite-the-housewife' type of housewife like me, juggling countless things on my tentacles.

i dream of finding the time to sit in a nearby cafe, sipping hot steamy aromatic coffee whilst i take a walk inside my mind and ponder on my thoughts, clicking on the keys as i go along. what luxury! as it is, my ideas and thoughts die a natural death in their womb that is my brain, even before they are fully formed. cause of death: incessant chatter of children whining for attention.

there is this girl that i know whom i absolutely detest. if it is not for her, i will probably be lounging at the pool, with a tall glass of ice tea in my hand, basking in the hot sun. or i could be in the north pole, going after my dream of seeing the aurora borealis.

instead, she sends me here and there, running on my feet like a dog. even when i am typing out this post, she orders me to the kitchen to multi-task a soup somewhere between these lines. she is quite the demanding freak, like melinda priestly in devils wear prada. nothing is ever good enough, nothing is ever right. sigh!

when someone is in need of hospital attention, that b**** volunteers my attention. sheesh! it's easy for her to say! all it takes is a few words from her golden mouth and i'll be tired to the bones, running around to handle the errands. for once, i sure will like to see her handle it all by herself, instead of plain talk.

during school holidays, which is around the corner again, she dreams of countless activities for the kids and guess who is the poor 'dahling' that has to execute them? i will like to 'execute' her! she is probably the creation of the devil, to keep me on my toes.

if at any point in time i fail to deliver, you can bet that i will sure get hell from her. the never-ending guilt trips, the sarcasm and the 'elbow in your ribs' remark. i am only but one person, cool it, will you?

anybody knows how to drown a CONSCIENCE?

hello, people?! this is the key word! you don't read this, you won't understand the entire post!! it's my conscience, get it?

and this little pig ran all the way home

this is a screw.

no, it's not the real thing.

it's just a picture of a screw.

the definition of a screw is a shaft with a helical groove or thread formed on its surface. Its main uses are as a threaded fastener used to hold objects together, and as a simple machine used to translate into linear force. It can also be defined as an inclined plane wrapped around a shaft (a word of thanks to the contribution of wikipedia. those who were thinking of a more warped translation, please enroll yourself in a brain-purifying course.)

so, when you see a screw here, it means that it is loose.

there is something, somewhere with a hole in it that doesn't have a screw to hold the things in place.

comprende?

the fact is....this little ms piggy has a screw loose in her brain today.







oink! oink!

what happened to cinderella?

ever wondered what happened to cinderella after the 'happily ever after'?

the continuation of the story.....

cinderella and prince charming moved into the castle and started their marriage shortly after the beautiful wedding. alas! who was to know that shortly after, a financial crisis loomed and the royal family was thrown out of the palace by a coup. the dashing prince charming was forced to look for work, like any other commoner on the streets. they were poor, but they were in love and they still had each other.

for years and years, they struggled and worked their fingers to the bone to provide a comfortable life for themselves and their five children. cinderella, who had been through a rough life before she became a princess, was used to the hard life and so she continued to persevere, balancing housekeeping with any work that she can find, to earn that extra dime.

prince charming, on the other hand, who was used to all the luxuries in the palace, worked very hard to provide a living too... initially. however, as days passed, the grime of everyday living and the unrewarding efforts disillusioned him. very soon, he turned to wine and gambling, which to his royal form spelt certain doom and so it was that he met his maker shortly before he turned 40.

poor cinderella. she was left all alone to bring up her 5 children. as good as they all were, it was exhausting for a woman to handle. still, she toiled and she hung on.

fast forward to 40 years later....her children are all grown up. there was a lawyer, a teacher, a businessman, all very successful in their lives. finally, all the sacrifices that she had to make have not gone wasted. she was very proud of each and every of them. cinderella is now an old shaky woman, contented to reap the rewards of her toils. unfortunately, as luck will have it, cinderella met with an accident. not one serious enough to claim her life, she should be so lucky, but enough to make her lose the use of her limbs. poor thing!

not to worry, it's time for her to wind down, relax and enjoy the love of her children anyway, i hear you say. it's time that they repay her love and the gratitude of bringing them up. sigh! cinderella has had a very hard life but unfortunately, it doesn't end there.

the lawyer took her in and nursed her back to health. however, the minute that she turned to be naggy and whiny, he gave her the boot! it didn't make a difference to him that all old people are naggy and whiny, he has forgotten all her sacrifices in the blink of an eye. the teacher, upon hearing that the old lady was kicked out of the house, quickly locked his house and drew all the curtains, pretending that his entire family has gone away for an extended holiday. the businessman didn't mind taking her in, after all, he has hundreds of empty rooms and thousands of servants. unfortunately, a quick check with his feng shui master confirmed that cinderella's signs clashed with him and there was a major dark star in her horoscope, spelling certain doom for her in the near future. no, no! death is not good for the family feng shui. so, instead of taking her in her most crucial time of need, he turned a deaf ear too. another son didn't even bother to ask about her condition from the onstart, much less offer his assistance now. the last, but not the youngest, balked at the idea of spending more money on that old lady. after all, she already has one leg in the grave.

what is poor cinderella to do? with a broken heart, she travelled by her loneself to her old dilapidated shack where she spend the rest of her days.

is it me or is there something wrong with this story?

how did you know if you have married the right person?

i borrowed this title from immomsdaughter, or something to that effect.

i have ten reasons (let's hope i do, i haven't start counting them yet. i'm squeezing the brain cells as we go along) why i know i married the right man:

1. he gives me the very last piece of that juicy bite, if i practice the 'poor hungry saliva-drooping' look jussssst right.

2. he walks 10 miles to do an errand for me so that i don't have to move one step. when i'm too tired to pick-up after the kids, he will (provided there is no other soul around). he knows i'm lazy and he takes it as part and parcel of this wonderful package :-)

3. he not only loves me but he loves my immediate family members too. not one of those fake 'uh huh, i like you too' kind of thing.....unless he is a damn good actor, but i think he really cares about them.....hmmm, well, maybe some of them!

4. he will fight to do the things that he thinks i don't want to do; like driving. or maybe he just can't stand my driving skills......!!!

5. he will prepare breakfast for me....if he doesn't sense any initiative on my part that morning. if i look like i'm up on my toes and moving about in the kitchen, then he'll plod back on his bum and read the newspaper :-) what a good team we are!

6. he has no qualms about spending money on me! and i have no objection to him reaching for his wallet to pay for all my meals. :-D

7. when questioned with 'if your mother and i fall into the sea together, who will you rescue?', he replies my mother, of course. what do you think i am? crazy? i can never love anyone who will give up their old mother for a young and able-bodied wife!

8. okay, i'm racking my brains a little. hmmm....he makes me laugh. the first thing that attracted me and one of the things i appreciate in him. what's life without laughter?

9. when i feel unwell, he takes care of the kids and keep them out of my hair. for a few hours at least, until he sense that i have enough rest...then he'll lower the drawbridge and let the vikings in again.

10. finally. he was and will always be by my side. through thick and thin. through good and bad. through happiness and sadness. through....you get the idea.

previous years, it was all about what he should get me to mark that special occasion. i'll name the thing, or he would venture an adventurous and often not very intuitive guess, and i'll get whatever it was. however, looking back, the gifts didn't bring me a sense of fulfilment or elation.

we spent the whole of yesterday a lot like any other weekend. a little sports in the morning, shopping and movie in the afternoon and roaming around a carnival in the evening. it was no different, yet i felt contented. i feel lucky to be able to spend just another simple day with the people i love and i look forward to the many more to come. corny, huh?

happy anniversary, my dear.

ever wonder?

ever wonder ............


.....if the blog background that you choose reflects on your personality?

i've taken a test long long ago about which toilet cubicles we choose to occupy reflect subconsciously on our character. don't ask me which is what though as the wind has blown that one out of my mind. since it applied to the toilet cubicles, i'm sure our choice for the blog background will also reflect something about us. the question is what? (by the way, those are circles in my background, not nuts, ok?) perhaps in ah pek's case, it shows that he is adventurous and has somewhat of a problem with his rear end being itchy?

.....why men have nipples?

this one i know as i have bought the book! since men don't breastfeed i guess their nipples are redundant and according to the law of evolution, it should slowly shrink and disappear! pretty much like the tail, i suppose. watch out, men! hold on tight to those nipples of yours!

....what is sand made of?

sigh! i don't know the answer to this one and i needed to...because the children were asking...and i couldn't answer. i actually looked it up...but as usual, the wind came and took it all away from my mind.

....why delicious and scrumptious food are always unhealthy for our body?

vice versa, those that are extremely good taste yucky. like tofu for instance. in its' purest white form, it taste bland and boring, which is good for your health. you can deep-fry it to make it taste better, but that much oil is not good. no no. ice-cream is fattening and clog atteries, coffee is too stimulating and a thick juicy steak may be deadly! is god trying to tell us something? that we shouldn't be enjoying ourselves so much, perhaps?

....why the yong chau fried rice in yong chau doesn't taste like ours?

or so i have been told. and singapore fried bee hoon isn't quite the same over there. neither does a whole list of other dishes that bear a place's name but which doesn't quite taste the same there. even worse, they don't even have that dish there!

....what goes on in my head to come up with all these crappy questions?

if you lean real close and put your ear beside my head, you will hear a whoosh whoosh sound inside. the sound of air circulating in the empty cranial hemisphere. knock! knock! sorry, nobody's home.

enough questions! i am racking my head too damn hard to come up with all these questions.

have a good weekend.

of death and dying

death is and will always be a morbid topic but what better time than straight after halloween to bring up a topic like that.

everybody is afraid of death. those that say they aren’t are merely putting up a brave front. it is scary….to face the inevitable, the point of no turning back. i guess what is most frightening about it is the fact we don’t know with certainty anything about the beyond. i read somewhere that life is calm, death is peaceful but it is the transition in between that is most upsetting. so true.

from since i was a wee girl, not older than any double digit figure, i remember being afraid of dying. not so much of myself passing on, since i still had a long journey to go back then, but more of my nearest and dearest leaving me all alone in this world. i would cross my fingers before i sleep and wish for eternal life, for me and everybody else around.

having children have had a great impact on these fears. without realization, i no longer deliberate so much on this phobia as i derive an unspeakable satisfaction from watching them grow, day by day. the fear of leaving everything behind for that bright light that comes down from the sky is not as great as my days, and nights, are filled to the brim. almost like i don’t need to look back or regret as i have done all that i should be doing. of course, there are bound to be bad days where i have a relapse and fall back to the old sickness of petrifying fear but they come and go quickly and are seldom and rare in between now.

recently, however, my 7 year old was crying one night, after she turned and tossed and found herself unable to sleep. i had no idea what was troubling her until she said, ‘mummy, i don’t want you to die’.

it is most sobering when a child says that. she has always been told of the reality of death and has even looked death in the face when her great-grandmother passed away many years ago. she took it all in good stride then and i had no reason to suspect otherwise. i was most wary when i recently realize that most movies or tv programmes touch on the topic of death. there is always somebody dying! either by suicide, killed by some goons or by some kind of sickness. it is quite jarring to keep explaining to your child the reasons why so and so’s character has been cut short. a strong desire rise up to simply state that the producer was simply too cheap to pay the actor for a couple more shots, which in long chinese serials are sometimes the case.

i worry about her, such a precocious little mind on such a small body. how i wish i can take away her uneasiness and her fear. but how can i when death is something that we cannot predict and is as certain as taxes?

then i remember i was also once like that and i think it’s just a normal part of growing up.

all about having fun

i know, i know.

most malaysians do not celebrate halloween. it's neither part of our custom nor tradition. however, when do we need custom to have fun?

yesterday night was all about that - having fun. who cares what the occasion marks or what it is suppose to represent. to this big kid, it was just another excuse to dress up, let my hair down and go crazy a little. true, i could have let the kids dress up in their halloween costumes and just act the part of chaperon, but where is my share of the fun? what is the point of life if we don't have fun along the way?

the place was right.

the time was right.

we had little spiders, firemen, witches, ghosts, draculas.....anything that rocks your imagination. one mother came in her bathrobe, complete with the towel around her hair! it was a hoot!

the children ran from door to door, ringing on bells for their treats. watching them light up with excitement and happiness, i was grateful to be a part of it - the energy, the silliness, the variation from our daily routine.

i have been celebrating halloween for many years now, from the days when the neighbourhood has yet to hear of such a celebration locally, to now, where it's rampant in most expatriate housing areas. all i had to do .....was gate-crash :-)

for those of you logging in here to catch a glimpse of how i look like.... here. the close-up wasn't satisfactory, blame it on the photographer, so i can't share it with you

how often do you get supergirl, cleopatra, queen amidala and the local neighbourhood ghost posing together for a photo?

i'm all ready for the onslaught of all those 'ghost face' comments you guys were saving your bullets for. hey, you were the one who gave me the idea for my costume!

sick tales from a sick person

we have a winner!

poohbearee managed to beat all the contestants hands down with her simple "the netherlands ?" *grumble grumble*, putting a very abrupt stop to my travel quiz game *grrrrr*. my 2nd post entitled "more hints" have been shelved indefinitely due to some unforeseen circumstances *mumble mumble* (pssst, poochie, nobody was suppose to win at such quiz contests)

to reward her intellect, i have decided to turn her upright, so that the blood will stop gushing to her brain. ohhhhhhhh..... that's why she is such a clever little girl!
yes, poochie, that's your prize for this round.

waitaminit! who is that shouting "cheapskate" from the back there? *engaging shotgun* okay, okay. *rolls eyes and then rummaging in luggage filled with smelly unwashed laundries* our first prize winner deserves a better recognition. poochie, your reward for such brilliance will be a clog-shaped fridge magnet, imported all the way from amsterdam, air-flown in economy class and wrapped with delicate care for protection (read: wedged between smelly clothes). i'll hold your prize until we have a chance to meet or it disintegrates into cheap dust, whichever comes first. you know how fragile those things can be, probably made from china too.

despite the obvious mood-killer, i'll be showing you the rest of the photos, with more obvious hints to where i have been. the pancake, mind you, was muchhhh bigger than my face. and it was delicious, with a capital 'd'.



i learnt a little about the history of the place; how the dams came about, how it progressed over the years and a little about anne frank, the poor holocaust victim whose diaries were made popular to bring attention to the horror imposed on the jews during the nazi period. i witnessed the actual working of a windmill and tasted some horribly yucky goat cheese. i learnt the fine skill of artfully dodging bicycles coming from all directions while keeping another eye out for trams, motorcycles and cars. lastly, i mastered the method of drying my jeans in the toilet hand-blower after a huge rain soaked me from head to toe and caused me to run around with damp jeans for the rest of the day.

it was a beautiful trip.

one not too pleasant part though. you know all that crap about listening to your body when you eat? let your mind tell you when you are full and you'll stop eating? the best way to a trim and fit shape? it's crap, ok?

my two best friends, m and b (for people with no idea who i am talking about, please refer back to my previous post) had a big fallout during my trip. m says enough, infact was shouting until her throat was all hoarse and painful. b, on the other hand, was having the time of her life, gulping down all those fine food. sheesh! m said "eat one more bite and you'll puke, my dear ". b whined "just one more, please. pretty please? i have to try that raw herring. and that fries dipped in mayonnaise, what is that all about? i can't come all this way and not try it?" m said "let's continue walking to that palace. i want to see those beautiful decoration" which b immediately replied with "are you crazy? we've been walking the whole day? why don't you try it yourself? i want to sit down in this cafe here and have a cup of hot tea, you can walk all your want". if you hear the two at it, you'll understand why i have distanced myself from them. crazy loonies!

enough about that. i am very excited today. despite the foggy brain, the blocked nose, the scratchy throat and the blurry intellect...oh sorry, the last one is a predetermined condition. today is my day!! whoppee! yipee!

today is halloween! the day when i get to come out as i am, ghost face and all!

i'll be going trick or treating when the night falls. okay, okay, i'm a little too old to be going around begging for sweets. thruth be told, my main purpose tonight is to go around scaring all the adults and children out of their wits! i had a little dress rehearsal yesterday afternoon, and i had to send my little tyke in to warn my mum before i made an appearance. yes, i thought i was pretty scary, especially if i was standing still by the roadside on a dark quiet night.

look out for pictures tomorrow.

pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?

i'm back.

yes, that is pretty obvious, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this.

i brought back souveniers, dear readers, to compensate for the irreparable damage my absence has done to your soul. bags after bagfuls of ........germs. millions and zillions of microscopic bacteria. cough! cough! krekkkkkk....choo. anyone want some?

ok, i've done it again. i fell sick during my undercover mission. i always do. that's why it sucks so much. i'm so sick of sneezing, wheezing and coughing when i should be relaxing and enjoying. i hate feeling groggy, like having a water balloon sloshing around in my head, when i should be all perky and excited. most of all, i want my taste buds back!

i guess this is what happens to people who others deemed are fortunate enough to go for undercover missions. whoever it was who has been doing voodoo on me because of their envy, you can quit right now, ok? i'm back and i'm miserable now.

still, i'll live.. *wipes snort on sleeves* ...to tell the tales of my travel.

the country was amazing. it was an 'eenie meenie miny moe' pick but looking back, i think it was a wonderful choice. i've never thought much about this place, as everybody knows it by what it is famous for (which i shall keep silent about for the moment so as not to spoil the quiz question at the end), and to most, that seems to be all there is to it.

that was far from the thruth, as my visit there opened my eyes to its beautiful architecture, the historical facade of their buildings and the stories that lie within. even the ambience of the place was enough to knock me off my feet. it just felt so good to be there, in the presence of true beauty, both inner and skin-deep.

i was told, by my research papers measuring inches thick, that the people there are most attractive. i'm not one for people-watching, or rather face-watching, but once i turned my attention to the citizens there, going about their daily routine, it surprised me that i was looking at dropdead gorgeous people every other step of my way. can you imagine bumping into tom cruise, minus the height imperfection, or alicia silverstone everywhere you go?

ok, these two weren't the best samples i've seen but i had to be discreet or risk spending a night in the local jailhouse, holding a toddy for warmth, or worse the resident butch sex-offender for company.

all in all, it was a beautiful trip, save for this irritating cold.

so, my dear friends, where did i go?

in anticipation

the bags are waiting in the hallway. everything is ready to roll on the word 'go'. the travel books and thick research papers are all packed and within hand-reach and the emergency medical bag is stocked up for unforeseen circumstances.

the place will be alien to us. the people, the language and the culture will be foreign. i will no longer be able to hide behind my comfortable routine and will be forced to face new adventures every minute of the day. whilst it is both scary and exciting, what i look forward to the most is breaking free from all the constraints of schedules.

i will no longer have to look at the watch to know if it is time for lunch. my growling stomach will remind me. i do not need the ticking clock to tell me if it is time to head for my next destination. i will move on when i have absorbed all the pleasure each place offers. i do not need to know when it is time to sleep or wake up. my body will be the indicator.

i can stop and look at the beautiful flowers as the gentle breeze carries its sweet fragrance to me. i can sit at leisure and watch the people walk by, without having to bother about rushing to meet my next appointment. i can walk slowly along the streets and admire the magnificent architecture, which is rich with its history. i can enjoy each mouthful and savour its taste.

i can be me.

you should be so lucky!

before i start today's post, i just need to say this...some of you may have realised that i have been seriously lacking behind in commenting on your posts lately. i always seem to be late.

sigh! in the morning, i have to juggle my never-ending work and bring you the latest updates in my blog. in the afternoon, i am stuck with a non-existent internet connection, which makes logging in hardly worthwhile. in this day and age, who else in this entire blogosphere logs in at a mere 4800kbps, hands up please? snail mail is faster, believe me! if i didn't manage to sneak into your blog before the bewitching clock strikes 12, i have to wait until the next day again. i'm cinderella-of-the-blogosphere. often times, i do crawllllllll in when i have some time to spare but the connection makes commenting in your post seem like a mountainous task. until i have a decent lifeline to the world wide web again, please bear with me.

on with today's post....

i have a butt fettish. i like butts and when i see them i like to pat, pinch and bite them. grrrrrrrr! however, i am most picky about my choice of butts. it's not the size that matters nor the shape. round ones, shapely ones, perky ones, i don't give them a second glance.

it's not the sex of the owner either. i don't quite mind if it's a he or a she. rather, my criteria is based on person whose butt is attached. you should be so lucky if your choice of butt is of my liking, for i am most choosy. i don't go for any tom, dick and harry's behind. if i like your butt, it means i love you :-) so, you should be thanking your lucky stars if i pinch your butt! ha! my teeth are itchy again! grrrr...!

bet you didn't think i will post that here, did you? wakakakaka. to more serious stuff....

i'm running away again. i've accepted another undercover mission and will be missing for the entire next week. i know my faithful readers will find this period hard to pass (barf bag anyone?) but for my sake, bear with it for a little while, ok? i understand; life will seem meaningless, the sun will shine less brightly (hey, that's the haze's problem, not mine, ok?) and the days will pass slower.....but i will be back, i promise.

i'll bring photos of this country i'm infiltrating and bagfuls of fresh air as souveniers.

in the meantime, hold your breath until i'm back!

Gallantry? What's that?

there seems to be a recent epidemic going around. infact, almost all of my readers have been inflicted with this deadly disease, CAMEL (Curiosity About M E’s Looks), which is quite worrisome actually. i am not too definite about the how, why, where and when but i know that there is no known cure. all i can recommend is to take 2 panadol, take lots of rest and fluids and don’t call me in the morning.

this affliction is rather strange actually, since i am no sweet young thing, bobbing and popping away. hello? this is a 35 year-old non-anti-gravity mother-to-2-kids we are talking about. are you expecting a teri hatcher housewife lookalike perhaps? there is nobody perky and bouncy staying here, sorry, you have the wrong door. so, stop being fixated about the way i look and concentrate on the words here. otherwise i will not be showing you my halloween costume. :-p

back to today's topic.

gallantry is dead. i tell you, gallantry is dead!

today started out with a male versus female 'see who can show up the latest' meeting with friends. as usual, i lost by a small margin, no thanks to my watch, which keeps giving me the correct time no matter how much i adjust it. the male sex does not seem to have any misgivings about keeping the ladies waiting nowadays. yes, i know of a blogger who can testify to that! what happened to the days when men should turn up before the ladies, if only so that she won't be all alone in a strange place? gone. the answer is it's gone with the times.

i'm old fashioned perhaps? however, i have not been trained in the art of self-defence and have no confidence that i can outrun the baddies, so it will be nice to see a familiar face around. especially since i was carrying a big box laden with 10 heavy bottles today. which brings me to my second proof of the death of chivalry.

today i was faced with the task of carrying that load two stories up and the darn lift and escalator chose the perfect timing to stop operating. as it was, the load itself was a challenge to my dainty ...*ahem* built but to carry it up, teethering on my heels, up the stupid escalator steps? i freaked out in the middle of the first flight. incase you have forgotten, i am altophobic and yes, i get crazy when i travel up the escalator without holding on to the hand-rail. both hands holding on to that heavy box, i was of course not accorded the comfort of that security. step by step, as my legs shaked and i cursed under my breath, i made my way up. i was so tempted to stop half-way, take out my heels and walk up the steps barefooted. that alone would have been a big enough challenge for me. sigh! why must things that are so easy and simple to others be so hard for freakish me?

as i said, after the first flight, i lost my grip on sanity. there is no way i will do a repeat for the second flight, no matter how much anybody pays me. i rather sit on the nearest stool until rescue comes in the shape of habitually late friends or i rot to death first. so, i planted my bottom on the nearest chair and sat there like an idiot whilst everybody walked by.

not long later, i spotted a security guard...who looked pretty able-bodied to me. not mr muscles, mind you, but i am sure he can manage a tinyyyy box like that up one flight of stairs. so, with my super powers of attraction, i tried to mesmerise the guard into helping me carry that box. of course it cannot be an outright request, you understand; i must make the idea seemed like it came from him.

me: hello, when will the escalator start moving?

guard: soon.

me: ohhhhhhh. this box is tooooo heavy for me to carry upstairs. *pouting slightly*

guard: *smiles and walk off*

me: !!!!!!!!!!!

this guy must be really dense, otherwise my charisma must be on leave today. so, this idiot sat there, whilst more strangers gawked as they walked by, until the escalator was switched back on. infact, one nosy man actually walked closer to sneak a peek as to the contents of the box. sheesh! chivalry 0, nosy busybodies 1.

i tell you, gallantry is dead!

the uncoding of ME

this post is dedicated to jonzz and annie, and to the rest who have been wondering about my avatar but have been to shy to ask, for fear of looking like a fool. kudos to the two who didn't mind being stuck with such a label. *grins*


this morning i felt a chill when i woke up, as if someone has been walking on my grave.

as i surfed the net, i understood the reason for this unsettling feeling. someone has been messing with my picture. you know, the one in the avatar. it's as if someone is doing voodoo on me, or should it be ME, complete with pins and needles. only this time, it's complete with paints, fake housewife hair-dos and imaginary stilletos. i'm flattered, to say the least. mummyyyyyyy! i am famous now!!!!!!!! anybody wants my signature?

apparently, jonzz has lots of free time on his hand and he has come up with interesting versions of the morning innocent and demure ME and the night rocking and jiving (only, it doesn't quite have the happening look, more like a forsaken house-wifey look) ME. not to be beaten, the rather blur annie has also pasted my avatar all over her site. thanks for the attention guys, but first, you have to grasp the correct idea. i'm no stunted-dwarfed-cartoon-character. i may be bald, neckless and fingerless, but i think i'm fairly well-proportioned.

annie sees me in stilletto heels. i know we come from different parts of the world but i honestly cannot see any stilletto in the picture, no matter how many times i turn the picture 360 degrees round and round. i can only imagine the supposed stillettoes are the pointy ends but why does it start from my chin? that's american education for you, teaching one to think out of the box. i probably should register for an art appreciation course in harvard right away.

jonzz, you are as bad. levi's all the way to the head? and sharp pointy ends as legs? you people are making me confused about my own avatar.

ok, before someone starts drawing me tatoos and punk hair-styles, let me give you an enhanced drawing, to show you which is where.

better? i have a sneaky feeling that annie has long grasped the concept of my picture but persists in pulling my leg. which is fine really because i have such short stubby ones. any assistance in that department will be greatly appreciated.

i don't think there will be anybody left in this whole wide blogosphere who still cannot comprehend my avatar. however.......annie's is rather blur, or so she claims, and i do have my reservations.

so, for annie............

this is what ME was doing in the avatar. see? no stillettoes, ok?

sheesh!