of death and dying

death is and will always be a morbid topic but what better time than straight after halloween to bring up a topic like that.

everybody is afraid of death. those that say they aren’t are merely putting up a brave front. it is scary….to face the inevitable, the point of no turning back. i guess what is most frightening about it is the fact we don’t know with certainty anything about the beyond. i read somewhere that life is calm, death is peaceful but it is the transition in between that is most upsetting. so true.

from since i was a wee girl, not older than any double digit figure, i remember being afraid of dying. not so much of myself passing on, since i still had a long journey to go back then, but more of my nearest and dearest leaving me all alone in this world. i would cross my fingers before i sleep and wish for eternal life, for me and everybody else around.

having children have had a great impact on these fears. without realization, i no longer deliberate so much on this phobia as i derive an unspeakable satisfaction from watching them grow, day by day. the fear of leaving everything behind for that bright light that comes down from the sky is not as great as my days, and nights, are filled to the brim. almost like i don’t need to look back or regret as i have done all that i should be doing. of course, there are bound to be bad days where i have a relapse and fall back to the old sickness of petrifying fear but they come and go quickly and are seldom and rare in between now.

recently, however, my 7 year old was crying one night, after she turned and tossed and found herself unable to sleep. i had no idea what was troubling her until she said, ‘mummy, i don’t want you to die’.

it is most sobering when a child says that. she has always been told of the reality of death and has even looked death in the face when her great-grandmother passed away many years ago. she took it all in good stride then and i had no reason to suspect otherwise. i was most wary when i recently realize that most movies or tv programmes touch on the topic of death. there is always somebody dying! either by suicide, killed by some goons or by some kind of sickness. it is quite jarring to keep explaining to your child the reasons why so and so’s character has been cut short. a strong desire rise up to simply state that the producer was simply too cheap to pay the actor for a couple more shots, which in long chinese serials are sometimes the case.

i worry about her, such a precocious little mind on such a small body. how i wish i can take away her uneasiness and her fear. but how can i when death is something that we cannot predict and is as certain as taxes?

then i remember i was also once like that and i think it’s just a normal part of growing up.