have you ever had the feeling where your heart really looks forward to an event, yet at the same time you fear it’s arrival? the feeling of anticipation coupled with anxiety, it’s quite the paradox. it simply tears you apart; one side of you yearns to greet it, whilst the other turns the event round and round in your head, analyzing it into tiny molecules.
things are never simple. nor easy. whilst i cannot wait to see her again, my heart is heavy with dread. perhaps i fear what i will see or perhaps i fear the death of my hopes. it should be so straight-forward but maybe i am just a complicated person.
all this may sound senseless to a reading bystander; consider it as ramblings of a person who needs to be at peace. i have forgotten how pain in the heart can be so physically hurting and how the mere act of shopping for her daughter can dig up so much painful memories. memories that was once shared by her and me.
when something goes wrong and you have no way of changing it, your mind blocks out its presence. you pretend it never happened. that is the only way of coping, the only way of continuing. somehow, sometime, however you will be brought back to reality. you will then have to learn the way to cope momentarily with all the sadness..until you can once again shove it back into the closet and close your eyes and mind to the memories.
is this the way to live? is this the way to cope? i don't know, i don't have all the answers. i just do it the way i know how.
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7 comments:
live and cope one day at a time, dear. sometimes, one moment at a time, even. let it pass, and carry on.
be strong..& say hi for me!
I can merely speculate as to what you must have gone through. Whatever has happened, I hope and pray you will be able to find your peace as time takes its course. Take care!
here you go again.
want me to sing, "My Way" for you?
dear may: sometimes it's easier, sometimes it gets difficult, that's all.
dear wuching: only way i can be...be strong.
dear jonzz: thank you. your concern is touching.
dear ah pek: i know. it's just sometimes, somethings trigger it off and the floodgates are opened. you sing ah? pleaseeeeee don't. nanti all the glass pecah.
sometimes.. you just have to bravely face the source. denial is just trying to get away but the prob is still there.
dear monty: and sometimes you have no choice but to face the source. and you know what? when you do face it, it's not as scary or as bad as you have thought it may be. it's all in the head.
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