good deeds?

do you like doing a good deed? something nice to make somebody's day brighter and better? something that makes a difference in some elses' day?

i'm a goody-two-shoe. i like to help, i like to make someone happy, i like to make a difference. just not for the reasons you think. don't make the mistake of thinking that i am a nice person. far from it. i believe that there are usually underlying motives when people do good things; come on, you guys knew that i was a confirmed true-blue cynic, right? well, i like to think that i have one too.

i like the feeling it gives me when i do something good. so, it's purely a self-centered and selfish motivation. the warm glow, the nice pat on the head by my own hand.......i like feeling good about myself, so i like to help others. that is a pretty simple equation.

i believe there is also another reason. i have a very dominant gene; one that likes to stand for justice and support the underdogs. so, if there are good things to be done that nobody likes doing them, perhaps for reason of anonymity (and thus they won't get their much deserved recognition), i will like to be the first to volunteer. if someone needs attention, and everybody doesn't seem willing to give a little of their time, i like to be there. not for them but purely for me. because it satisfies that abnormal gene in me.

i don't see the problem in that. the ends justifies the mean. as long as i am really doing good, i don't care where the underlying push came from. for me, all these work out to be a win-win situation. people that deserves something, get something in the end, albeit not from a pure and innocent heart.

however, there is a big annoying problem with this. and it really makes the hair on my skin stand up each time. it's called the emotion factor. i totally hate it when the recipient or an irrelevant third party makes such a fuss over the thing i do. i want to tell them to take whatever it was, be it a physical or a non-tangible factor, and just shut up.

i'm beginning to sense that there is this irrational and illogical trait within me. maybe it's because i know i didn't do the good deed with a pure heart; i didn't do it with the receipient's good intention in mind. this is so difficult to explain. yes, the final outcome was meant so that the receipient will be better off, happier and i guess the intention is good but i also did it to satisfy my own satisfaction. so, that kinds of negates the true beauty and sincerity of the act, according to my dictionary.

i definitely didn't do it so that i will be praised or fussed over. soooooooo, please spare me the torture. when the pat on the head comes from a third party, it makes me want to bite that hand off. grrrr!

the worst is yet to come. the nosy third party will then feel it is their duty to announce it to the world. ohhhhhhmmmyyyyygawddddddddd! it cannot get worse than this. whyyyyyyyy? good deeds are meant to be done, not talked about. i cannot understand the rationale behind it. why would they want to sing praises about something that has no bearing on them? would anybody be better off when the fact is announced for the world to know? wait, let me crawl under the floor first.

the next time i want to do something good, just clobber me in the head and let me be unconscious until the impulse pass over. it's less humiliating.

and yes, now you know. i am 'peen thai'.