the tale of my first time

yehhhhhh! *damn hiao sound* my virgin time........*batting eyelashes rapidly*.......how can it be like that? i have been waiting expectantly for the first time. my heart was beating so fast, you can almost feel it pumping through the thin white shirt i was wearing. i clasp and unclasp my hands in nervousness and my palms were starting to get wet and sweaty. i rub them up and down my jeans......i look up shyly, still pondering whether i will remember this first time when i am old and gray. so many questions were running through my mind. am i making the right choice? should i be giving my very first time to this person? will i regret it? will this person think less of me when it is over? sigh! i have come so far, it is too late to turn back now. i can only hope that the receipient will respect me when this is over. sobbbbbbb! and i hope it won't hurt as much as people tell me it would. should i lay a piece of cloth to catch the first drop of virgin blood ? will this person notice that it is my first time....maybe when i flinch or hesitate......ok, less thinking, more action.......with that, i.........i...........scratched my head.......

...........damn! i will never imagine that i will give my first time to a woman! and to a married woman at that! what will everybody think? i have always had this perfect picture in my mind of giving my most precious gift to a very cute guy, with a dimple in his left cheek and a smile that will light up my day. watching the sunset slowly disappearing behind the mountains as we do it. ahhhhh! so romantic. yes, this recipient is very attractive, but that should be no excuse. she is after all a mother of 5. sigh! but since lilian (http://www.chanlilian.net/) is the first person to tag me, i will do my virgin tag for her. sobbbb! (erm, what where you guys thinking of?)

fatt hou meme: the tag: “You are in an alternate universe. You are a single person not involved in any relationship, and you have just published a New York Times bestseller. A movie studio has invited you to Hollywood to talk about a movie deal for three days, and as part of the wooing process, they offer to host a one-on-one dinner each night with the celebrity of your choice. Who would you pick? It could be a star you want to have a shot at ‘hooking up’ with, or it could just be someone you admire.”

All those thinking has caused me to scratch my head too hard (hence, the little drop of blood i was going to use a white sheet to catch). my hair is turning white very fast.....5x mom, macam mana? white colour very hot or not this year?

Ladies and gentlemen, *drums rolling* my first choice will be..........tom cruise, of course. is it his deep-set eyes? those mesmerising pools of dark brown that can melt a woman and turn her into fiery molten? or is it his tall, sharp nose ? (you know what they say, big nose, big 'you know what') or those ooh! so sexy stubbles that prickles and excites when you rub against it? or those pearly whites that flashes when he smiles?

i will put on my tallest high heels, spray on the most irresistible men-hunting perfume, apply the bitchiest make-up and wear the sexiest, figure-hugging black dress. the one that drops down all the way to the navel, displaying my most ample cleavage, and opens up in the back all the way down to just before my pert little bottom. when we meet up in that private little dinner, i will walk up to him, snuggle up realllllllll close and press my body against his, run my fingers through his soft brown hair and whisper softly in his ears.........."eh, you really damn short lah". yup! i just want to get real close to him to check out whether he is as short as he seems in the photos!

ok, my second choice.......what? no more drum roll ah?................dummmmmmmm..............gregory peck! ta dah! what? he's dead? ya lah, i know......so we bring in the "marn my poh" (the chinese ghost medium). i can have a stimulating conversation with her as the go-between. ahhhhh! *this time really swooning* they don't make men with such charm and so suave anymore. can you see his cleft chin? *nearly fainted* *fanning quickly* did you catch his movies? soooooo witty, charming, leng chai, smooth.......hai yah! who can beat all those? erm, but maybe this time i won't have to go in my killer dress and forget that painful heels. i guess i also won't lean so close to the "marn mai poh" (who has killer breath, by the way).

ok, the last one is not that easy. last, but by no means the least important, i choose david beckham. yes, yes, i know. he is not from hollywood, neither is he a filmstar. but he is a celebrity and what hollywood wants, hollywood can get. and the things that he does to get attention, he will sure want to be in my movie. ok, first his photo.

ok, you people must be thinking: finally someone that she wants for his body. i mean, after all, that's all he has, right? a "chun" body (not much brain cells to go with it). sooooooo..... she wants to snuggle up to this type of man. hmmmmm.......so, under the psychoanalysis test results, that means she must have had a very traumatised childhood and been "kau kor" by some older uncle...or even worse, aunties! she must have this secret fettish to licking dirty toes and be tickled. no way! the reason that i want to get this guy alone is to ask him, "eh, all the times that you head the balls, did they do severe damage to your brain cells ah? how did you manage to get through life without doing any simple arithmetic before you became famous?" did anybody read the article on him in the sun today? he was supposedly helping his seven year old son, brooklyn, with his mathematics homework when he realised that it was too much for him. we don't know what questions his son was attempting to do but according to similar syllabus, his son is suppose to be answering questions along the "what is 12 divided by 3?" and "if x left the house at 12:15 and was gone for 30minutes, what time will she reach home?" genre. er.......knock, knock, anybody in ? *knocking at beckham's skull* i know that life is not about mathematics, but it is not all about football either. he is soooooo lucky he is considered to be good at what he does. i guess it shouldn't matter, right? i mean, after all he is reputedly earning GBP35million pounds for a 4-year contract. but how is he going to know if he has really received so much if he can't count?

ok, now on to my movie.........what will it be on? "showcasing the origins, evolution and development of batik". huh? what? what's wrong with that? i have no idea why hollywood is fighting each other to produce my book but the reviews were as follows:

"lenglui's imagination at its most sublime....an entertaining, pacey page-turner" Sir Peter de la Billiere, Mail on Sunday

"a fast-moving intrigue...a cracking good read. this is the first novel i have read by lenglui; it will not be my last" Kate Saunders, Sunday Times

"kept you guessing who did it until the very last page" Peter Stothard, Editor, The Times

"few are more famous than lenglui for keeping the pages turning....an extravagant romp - possibly her best"

i guess they must have loved all the "tenun" methods and the culture behind it. go figure hollywood. not as materialistic as you have thought, huh?

ok, last bit. who can i tag? since i don't know many people in this blogosphere yet, erm.....i just tag at random, ok? i hate this part. damn! it's difficult to find people who have not been tagged recently.

1. Min (http://lauraadam.blogspot.com/)

2. Andy Lim (http://wittysquirrel.blogspot.com/ )

3. Allison (http://pastelmanja.blogspot.com/)

sorry guys (who threw that shoe?!!!!)

anybody missed me?

i am backkkkkkkkk! yeh! ok, ok, no need to jump all around and shout so loud. i know everybody miss me but please celebrate with a little less noise and muted enthusiasm (what do you mean, where got? there in shah alam, got one man standing on the roof, shouting with enthusiasm at my return.......*squinting eyes* oops, sorry, he shouting to be rescued from the flood. sorry!)

anywayyyyy, miss me or not, i am back (too bad if you don't lah). and i am the first blogger to bring back gifts from my holiday. yesssss! i have gifts for all of you. as a memento lah. it may not be big but it's the thought that counts, right? don't worry, i have enuf for all of you, so please organise yourself into neat rows and queue properly. no shoving and pushing, ok? i don't want a repeat of what happened in philippines, i will bear no responsibility whatsoever. scroll down then......it won't come to you if you don't.
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by the way, did i mention that i went to langkawi for my holiday? ooh, the beach was beautiful, the people was friendly (what do you expect? potential water-fish woh), the hotel room.....now that was reallllllllllly beautiful.....got me thinking about building a place like that when i am sooooo old.......dunno if it will be enough if i withdraw all my epf pension fund? hmmmm.........har? oh, sorry, dreaming lah..oh yes, i was looking for the gifts. ok, continue to scroll.....
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share, ok? each is only entitled to one. don't be too greedy, otherwise there will not be enough to go around. do what you will with it.....you can frame your one grain of sand or use it for whatever your imagination can conceive. go, enjoy my magnanimity.

now that you have taken my gift, you have to listen to my story. the holiday was greattttt. i am refreshed.......eh! don't hit my back so hard, man! yes, sunburnt beyond recognition, but still re-energised, man! we lounged in the room and the beach and then we lounge some more and then we lounge yet some more. in summary, we did absolutely nothing.

you know how most people go on holiday to a new place, they ronda-ronda everywhere, looking for new things to buy, exciting places to see and great food to eat? they have activities packed from the moment dawn breaks to when the sun sets. in the end, they come back full of memories, bag groaning from wonderful mementoes and their bodies aching from all the exertion. then they need another holiday to recuperate from the holiday. that is soooo "sarn fu". most of the time, i belong to that category. but this time, no siree. i actually enjoyed this idle holiday. we didn't even leave the room for our dinner. kekeke. with a view like that, who wants to be holed up in a smelly dark restaurant ?


and just for ah pek, a photo of ms lenglui in bikini. the heat must have melted all the fat away! (don't worry, for all those who love my old figure, i will do my very best to partake in all hi-tea, buffets and suppers to gain my old figure back). and ah pek, don't nose bleed at the photo, ok?

thank you, thank you

there will be no new post for this weekend as i will be going to a beautiful faraway island to celebrate leng chai's ngau yat. veli romantic ah? you try lah, with che che and kor kor screaming and running everywhere, the other guests will sure give us the 'dagger looks'.

anyway, i just want to express my appreciation (wah! serious ah) to ah pek for always being the first to read my entry and always the first to leave a comment (either he damn free or he damn sweet). thank you for the support. must keep supporting me when it starts to get damn boring and monotonous ah *hugs*

short and sweet entry, hor?

Er..........

got no inspiration on what to write today. but must write something lest my readers think i'm comatose and leave my site for good. thought of using two wood blocks to imitate ah pek's kamasutra positions (pls refer to http://malaysian-ahpek.blogspot.com/2006/02/sexual-position-aka-fuckosition.html)(got that idea while playing wooden jengga with kor-kor - sigh! you guys are starting to corrupt my normal daily life too!). but it is not my style lah. so, what i dwell on?

i just got thinking today, "why my life like that one?". there must be a principle of science that newton has forgotten to say, "if lenglui like" then it is followed by "sure don't have" and "if lenglui want", the principle dictates that "sure can't get".

Rule No.1: If there is a pair of shoes that lenglui has her eyes on (and she doesn't usually go crazy over any shoes), then there will no stock left of her shoe size.

Rule No. 2: If there is any cute top/skirt/dress/pants that lenglui likes, then there will be no correct size. so, either she has to settle for smaller size (and her boobs will be squeezed out from her armpit and cleavage) or she has to go for a larger size (and she will look like some auntie who wears second-hand clothes)

Rule No. 3: if there is any guy who looks twice at her, it must be some hum sup, wui sor, blue-collar, crude, evil looking guy (who looks more like a rapist then a fine gentleman who is appreciative of the opposite sex and makes her fear for her life)

Rule No. 4: if there is some old old friend that she is not so keen to meet up with again, fate will definitely give them a chance to bump into each other. it goes to reason that if there is someone that she will give an arm and a leg to catch a glimpse of again, she will never ever lay her sight on that person again for the rest of her life.

Rule No. 5: if she says she wants to go swimming (which is another rareeeeeee occasion) the wind and rain will suddenly come out from nowhere. so, people, if you guys need the rain for any special reason, just get ms lenglui to go for a swim. more effective than a bomoh or the rain dance.

Rule No. 6: if she is goes away on vacation, there is a 99.9999% that she will fall sick. hence, if in australia and there is fresh lobster at very reasonable prices, it stands to reason that she will succumb to flu and lose her taste buds. if in langkawi, she will catch a fever and has to stay away from under the sun.

love to entertain you guys further on the newly found rules of physics but i got to run. till next time........but there is a 99.99999% chance that the computer will break down when lenglui wants to log in.

A new species spotted!

this is for me.

anyone read the papers today? scientists have discovered a new species of animal. they have named it an 'ex'. very exotic and sometimes can be very attractive. it has very strange characteristics though. it leads you to believe that it can be domesticated and home-bred but as soon as you show signs of falling in that trap, it runs away faster than you can say "what the .....". owners of this new species, beware. for 'ex's that have run away, please do not entertain any further whims from them.

within this species, experts have discovered a sub-species which they have named 'my-ex'. now, these you have to really beware. after it has run away, it has the strange tendency to come back, with the belief that you will be there to welcome them with open arms. scientists have named this anomaly as 'wishful thinking'. there are owners who are dumb enough to give in to this phenomenon and accept them. after some time, the new species 'my-ex' has the tendency to perform the same ritual again: yes, run away and come back again. they will perform this behaviour for several times before you finally get bored of the same ritual and dump them, or worst, get dumped. but as a previous owner of such a species, please be warned if you are thinking of bring one home. that is not the end of the story.

years down the road, after 'my-ex' is thinking of finally settling down, it will come knocking on your door again. ah ha! but after all these years, you have finally grown up and will not fall into its ritual dance again. then they will show their second characteristic : what scientists have termed "emotional blackmail". if they find out that you have settled down happily, they will exhibit this characteristic and try to make you feel bad with sentences like "why did you do this to me?", "you are the only one i want to settle down with" and "you have broken my heart". potential owners, be on your guard now. you cannot, i repeat, you cannot fall for this again (but then again, by this time you would have been tired of all the games and will gladly kick his butt through the door).

you think the story has ended? nooooooo. many many years down the road, "my-ex" will come knocking again. ok. you have matured and do not bear any ill feelings. so, you meet over drinks to catch up on what happened in the last 20 or so years. granted, you are a little defensive and will like to let sleeping dogs lie. but "my-ex" loves digging. give it a bone and it will dig to the center of the world. and it will ask why are you being so defensive? maintain your composure at this point. it will then show you the photos of it's potential mate (for whatever reasons) and deliberate on each point of the past, but not as how you remembered it. suddenly it is glorified and beautified. please remember to be detached and keep your cool at this juncture, otherwise you will fall into its trap once more. don't attempt to smack its head or give it a good punch in the balls. however, if you part with dignity and pleasantry (don't even think of saying 'next time in town, call me lah' unless you really mean it!) you will live to regret it. for despite catching up on old news for the better half of a day, 'my ex' will really call you the next time it is in town. and then what else do you have to say? all that can be asked or said has been said the last time. can you repeat your questions or do you really want to ask new ones? but then again, since you don't really give a damn, what questions can you ask? am i being a bitch for pretending to be busy? sigh! it's a lose lose situation. but one of these days, 'my ex' will call again, and will i be 'busy' again? how many times can i be busy without being rude? why????? why call? what is there for me to talk about? sigh!

Research for the advancement of mankind

further to my entry (shiok lah this word. entry, exit, entry, exit) yesterday on mua's addiction, i will like to conduct a research. this is a very important research, so please kindly don't look down on it. it may serve to improve the living standards of mankind from now on and in the future, scientists may use it as a reference and guideline for their various investigations and collections of fact (what the hell am i talking about?!)

ok, as an expert in the field of instant noodles, i have observed over the years that men like their noodles softer and women like them with a bit of bite. I cannot explain this strange phenomenon. maybe it has to do with the way the moon is aligned with neptune and the way saturn revolves in relation to its' rings. when leng chai cooks instant noodles and i tumpang, i must look over his shoulder to make sure that it is of the correct texture. haiyah, one second too long and we can pour the noodles in the bin. sudah tak boleh makan! when you cook, you must also bear in mind the time it takes to pour the noodle into the bowl, take out the chopstick and spoon, bring the bowl to the table, scoop up a chopstickfull of noodles, blow.......and put in the mouth. then you have to takeaway this x seconds (or minutes for those really slow pokes) from the cooking time. ahhhhh! the perfect culinary skill to the perfect bowl of instant noodle (must use maggi ah, by the way, all the other brand cannot one lah). for those who are not so mathematically inclined, i have a formula you can apply. let me know if you need it.

so, ladies and gentlemen, aunties and uncles, si lais and si kungs, please take a vote. do you like your noodle soft or with a bit of bite? remember, you are doing a very crucial and imperative gesture for the betterment of mankind, so weigh the issues carefully before you answer. what you say make affect the lives of millions!

in conclusion, i will like to add that i have tried mamee's lontong flavour today (traitor! sob....i know. but i must do more research to maintain my title as expert in the field, mah) yuuuuuucky! maggi mee curry is the best!!! long live maggi curry (don't listen to people who tell you otherwise. their tastebuds condemned one lah. oops! sorry mr. cock and wingz *run away*)

P/S: eh, i download that cute movie yesterday, why no one comment ah? got see or not? haiyah, take so much research and effort to download, must give face and Komen sikit lah. say boring also good mah, at least show people got see my effort lah)

Addicted!

i hang my head down low. i am so ashamed to say it. but i have to conquer the demon inside and my psychiatrist at tanjung rambutan say that by admitting the problem, i have managed to win half the battle. so.......*blushing, clasping and unclasping hand*......i admit.......i have an addiction. there! i've said it. i am not proud of who i am but at least i can now tell the world....I HAVE AN ADDICTION PROBLEM!

when the rasa come and i'm yearning for my fix, my eyes water badly and my hands tremble. i hold them infront of me (my hands lah, not my eyes...concentrate on the story, ok?) and they are like chicken wings flapping. my nose starts running too (wah, like that can join the marathon already). my stomach starts growling fiercely. saliva pours out in bucketfuls. i cannot concentrate on anything and my body shivers. how do i go on living like this? it's hell on earth.

i have tried very hard to control the addiction. you don't know half of what i have done to get over it. i have started by pretending the problem doesn't exist, that i do not need the fix and i am not yearning for it. but when the saliva starts flooding the living room, it gets to be a bit of a problem. when the stomach growls so loud that i can't hear what Andy Lau is saying, i decided to do something about it. i.......gave in to it. yes! i had another one. i know! coward! chicken! soft! whatever you want to call me, i will take it. but.....you have never had an addiction. if you had, you will know. how it is so much easier to give in to it then to fight it. ahhhhhhh! the high you get. the enjoyment and fulfillment. 7th heaven. blissssssss. let me enjoy the feeling for a moment.........

i have tried to stuff my face full with food to keep my mouth busy and engrossed. but it doesn't work. not even chocolate can distract me from the addiction. if i had my way, i would have my fix 5 times a day......but as it is, leng chai limit it to once a week. damn! life is just not worth living man. all this talking about it....i can almost hear it calling me again...........sometimes, when leng chai is out and kor-kor che che are busy, i sneak another 1 or 2 times. what will they think of me if they know? i am ashamed. i am supposed to be their role model.

but this is not a general addiction. ahhh! i am quite picky in my choice. only the best will do. i always go for maggi mee curry. not indomie, not cintan or one of those damn pah-pai imported brands. it must be maggi and curry at that. if given a choice, i can have it for breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner and supper. 7 days a week. until the mee comes out from my nose, throat and ears. or until i die a mummy (you know, the egyptian kind) from all that preservatives. bah to all the reports that maggi will increase your chance of cancer. have you ever read an autopsy's report that wrote: "believed to have died from excessive exposure to maggi mee"? anything else will kill you before the maggi mees do, with this polluted and contaminated world we live in. so, let's hear it for maggie mee. maggi mee, cepat di masak, sedap di makan. maggi mee. hurray!!!!! hip hip hurrray! give me a bowl of maggi curry over any sharkfin, abalone or lobster preparation anytime.

suffering from monday blues yesterday

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the thruth is out there

ah pek was soooooo sweet to put my award in his entry today. er, is this the same ah pek that i have been reading from others' blogs? the one who has been cussing to punctuate sentences and nearly bleed from the nose from siau cha bor's stories? ah ha! so, there is a gentle and considerate side to ah pek.

but i am still spinning from the 2 comments i have received. i have been blogging in silent for a few months now in another somber website and pray that nobody knows of my darkest secret. (shhhhh........) someone introduced me to her blogsite one fine day and i found the people there very interesting - not to mention imaginative and creative (haiyoh, ok, who want to wear this tall hat?) sooooo, i secretly log in and quietly read ah pek's damn good poetry, wingz' imagination and cocka doodle's cock stories. i tried to move in tip-toes and stealthily sneak in and out without anybody knowing.......inspired, i wanted to set up my own. tired on focussing on the negative, this time it will be all positive and talk about the funnier (not funny yet, ah? sigh! some people ah, born like that. talk until the pigs fly also not funny lah) aspects of my life or muse about things that i see.

so, ok, after a few entries, when i am more familiar with my new blog i put links to their websites so that i don't have to log in through someone's blog each time. but damn! they found out! i wonder how (i guess they will be informed when someone put a link to the website) and i am still scratching (eh, my head lah! you dirty people). gulp! it's like undressing infront of everybody! soooooo public. nevermind that they won't know who i am. it is like these old birds have ex-ray eyes and can see through all this farce. gulp! sweating from the palms now.

what i will like to know is, how do all fellow bloggers find time? granted, writting the text takes only a few minutes but searching for the right picture or attachment, setting up the right program, updating on fellow blogger's news......sigh! if you have a secret time machine which you are making use of, please let me know. share share can ah? or if you have a secret formula for time management, puhlease tell me. amidst che-che's non-stop chattering and kor-kor's whining, i am struggling to put my entry in. blogging is a luxury. what with the mountain of work in front of me (which i am forsaking in favour of putting down this entry. ha ha! the best thing about anonymity is my boss will never need to know that at a point in time, i had chosen blogging over work!) and the growing list of things to do, i hardly have time to indulge. and this can get to be addictive. so, before my hands start quivering and my nose starts watering, i'll stop for today. boss, er, i'm actually going to do some work now.

not a very good day

today must be a veli veli bad day for me. kor-kor fell sick after yesterday's party and i was up sooooo many times last night checking for fever and feeding him medicine. i could hardly pry my eyes open.....so sleepy, so i opened only one eye slightly and tried to make my way to the kitchen at 1.00am in the morning. people tuning in, please don't try that at home without proper guidance and training. nearly ended up smack into the side of the wall. depth perception out when you use only one eye. then i would have woken up this morning like "chung moe yim" (you know, the lady with yin-yang face).

later, i found out that my com-com was infected by virus. even as we speak, mr norton is having a look at him. to add salt to the wound, my second blog entry went kaput! sigh. my second entry leh. why no give face? never mind, i have since fixed it. i hold my breath to see what else fate (or whatever is playing me this morning) will throw my way. comeon, give it your best shot. i am ready......sob!

anyway, the most pleasant thing this morning is to find out that i have one reader - ta dah!!!!! bring out the "dragon and lion dance" - ka chang! ka chang! ah pek has really made my day. ha ha, now i know that there is someone reading my rubbish, i will have to be careful of what i write. for ah pek, a certificate of appreciation for being the first to visit my blog. sorry, mr cock, no certificates are awarded for seconds (that't the cruel fact of life)

1:57pm : burp! after a very full lunch, time to continue with my story. i am tested to the very maximum today by the powers that be. as i have been saying this morning, my home com-com has been giving me problems and i spent the entire morning trying to eradicate that very naughty virus. it was so sneeky, hiding here and there.....i am not even sure whether i have managed to eliminate their roots and 18 level ancestors (evil laughter). the beauty of it is, i went to my mum's place to continue with the blog there (and also to have a wonderful lunch - didn't quite live up to expectation...shhhhhh! don't tell mum) and.........sigh! yes, i also managed to destroy the com-com there. broadband down. wireless down also. what is wrong with my hands today? must use some "luk yau" leaves to clean the curse. is someone doing voodoo on me??? there is no way that i can destroy two com-com in 1 day. does kor-kor's fever has anything to do with these evil hands? i better stay away from che-che then. gulp! eh, i haven't even started on my story and it's already so long. readers must be falling asleep by now......well, i have always been known to be a liiiiiitle long winded when it comes to story-telling.

ok, back to my story. there are so many things to tell and not enuf time to tell it. amidst kor-kor's "am i having a fever?", "how much is my temperature?", "can i eat the pink fever medicine, yuuuummy!", "come and see this", "i feeeeeel soooooooo tiiiiiired lah", i shall try to continue. if you hear any sudden screaming or something heavy collapsing on the floor, please either call the asylum (tanjung rambutan) or if you are kinder, an ambulance. i can only handle so much test to my patience at one time. ok ok, i'm getting distracted again.

actually, i wanted to write about the dinner i had on last friday - post valentine celebration. we went to the french restaurant along 1 bangsar - very posh, ya know. the only thing was i wasn't wearing something elegant. ahhhhh! but these restaurants are usually very dark and i'll be seated most of the time, so the other patrons won't know. now, if i can only find a way to wipe out the waitress' condescending look at the door, it will be perfect. the food was good and the service quite pleasant. they even shut down the electricity to make sure that we really had our candle-light dinner. TWICE! total darkness. what a marvelous restaurant. Hmmmmm.....was that why the medium well steak seemed a little tough? i faintly remembered the chef lending a helping hand at the electricity box. leng chai (LC) and myself had to "charng thoi kiok" until the food finally came, and by then our legs under the table were quite numb from all that kicking. not vey romantic, you know, when you stare into pitch darkness and try to imagine where is your partner's nose, mouth and eyes.

then, sun was the party, if you guys still remember. the invitees came in full force (the bruises were still quite visible and the arms in cast - i had to roughen them up to get their rsvps, remember?) take a deep breath, prepare to entertain all those "pat pohs"......erm, i mean elegant mothers (actually, most of them were quite nice -but there is always an exception or two. but i won't let them patronise me, no siree). the kids, on the other hand, were very sweet - many of them personally drew a card for kor-kor and were genuinely excited to see him. i guess i don't socialise that well since i usually opt for the company of kids. (who called me coward??! who?! who?!) but they are really innocent and genuine - can't say the same for most adults. why is it that adults have so much protection around themselves most of the time? i know why but it's just tiring - getting to know the real someone. how many of us bother anyway?

ok, the party. see, i'm getting distracted again. they loved the magic show. erm, i think the one that shouted the loudest was yours truly. hmmmm, actually, most of the mums came round to tell me they loved the magic show, i suspect more than their little angels. the money-grabbing monster made a last minute final attempt at exploiting me further and was kicked into 13th storey hell. Triumph! most important, kor-kor and all his friends had a jolly good time.

What a world we live in!

i have come to know of something very horrific that took place on valentine day. those with a weak stomach or heart, please do not continue reading. as for the others who think they are brave enuf, you have been forewarned. i refuse to be liable for any unpleasant emotion or turmoil that shall arise after reading this entry.

most of you would not have heard of this news as the content has been declared unsuitable for general knowledge. on the night of 14th february, it was discovered that a murder most foul had taken place! whilst some of us were enjoying candlelight dinner with loved ones and others busy polishing up to potential suckers oops, i mean suitors, someone's life has been cut short. sob! sob! it was really unfair.

as the case is still under investigation, i am not at liberty to release the victim's name. we shall name him mr. ber teh dee (not his real name, mind you). anyway, i don't have the details of the crime but all i know was he was just minding his business when he was abducted by strangers. what did he do to tick them off? nobody will ever know. why was he the chosen one? maybe of his looks, maybe his size (he's pretty small for a guy) or maybe he was just at the wrong place, at the wrong time. they took him to an unfamiliar place and started subjecting him to various abuses. i was told that he was made to take of all his clothes and stand naked in front of his abductees whilst they subject him to thorough examination, all the while thinking what to do with him next. (i don't know if they made him do any nude squats, ok?, for those inquisitive ones). they even examined all crevices and holes in his body (i think that came up to a total of 9 places, right? or those guys with extra holes, please enlighten me how many more are there? don't tell me about all those pierced holes, ok?)

they left him naked in the cold, cold room for some time because when his body (yes, i am sorry to say that he has died from all the violent abuse) was found, it was already frigid and stone solid, no longer placid, soft and warm like a normal human's. what happened after that, we can only guess. his body was discovered on valentine night, amidst some roses, but without the most important apparatus (yes, he was castrated!). they must have done a very good job because there was little damage to the surrounding area. was it a one-time strong yank off? or was it slowly severed with small cuts, designed to prolong his pain and torture? was he still alive when the perverted abductees did it to him or was he blissfully DEAD? what did they need his stick for? so many answers but we will never have any way of knowing. sigh!

the worst is yet to be told. he was found with a long stick up his rear end. i believe this was what killed him. the stick must have been one and a half feet long! sharp and pointed on the side that was pushed into his behind. it must have been so humiliating and painful. why? why couldn't they have just sodomised him the normal way? but then again, we still have no evidence whether he was sodomised at all. we will never know what was in the mind of those evil people or what else he had to endure prior to his death. the relevant parties are investigating for clues round the clock. i am not supposed to reveal so much details but i have been very depressed over this and have been unable to forget or carry on with my life. his image always come up in my mind when i am in the middle of something. yes, i have seen the photo of the body, didn't i mention that? i know this is top, top secret and i am releasing information illegally.....but i will like to share it, for you people out there to know...and to sympathise with the victim for his tragedy. we can only pray that he has gone to a better place and for his family to find peace. i have attached his photo for you to see. sob!
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wait ah.......trying to find the photo.....

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mr teh dee, ber
may he rest in peace!

Repondez s'il vous plait

Non comprendes? it will seem that most malaysians do not understand this concept as well. RSVP - four simple alphabets requesting invitees to reply their intention to attend. I really can't seem to understand how they fail to understand that simple request. will it be better if it was in english? (simply translated to be: please respond, damn it. how are we suppose to confirm with caterers if we don't know how many will turn up? hmmmmm.....too lengthy a translation, i suppose)

kor-kor is having a birthday party this coming weekend and i have distributed the invitations first thing monday morning. ah ha! there is a skill involved in determining the timing of distributing invitations. bet you think it was as simple as writing them up and passing them to the relevant parties, right? nooooooo. if you hand it to the invitees too early, they will be bound to put it aside and forget all about it (you think it's because they are so busy or i am too insignificant?) by which time you have to call personally nearer to the deadline to remind them and get their reply. now, if you hand it too late to them, they don't have time to practice their wishy-washy ritual: should i go? should i not? should i go? should i not? let's throw a dice to decide. what will i wear? who will be there? of my god, all these decisions!

the funniest part is nobody bothers to read beyond the date, time, venue. you know, the little part at the bottom which writes "RSVP by when, to whom. it's like written in invisible ink. this recent invitation that i sent out was really good. The RSVP part took up a larger section than the other details. but still...........i received no reply. sigh! granted, i gave them only three days to think about it but i thought a decision on something so minor can be reached in 3 minutes! i mean, you don't have to "chim poke" or go look for a fortune teller (sifu ah, this sunday you think i can attend a party ah? will it clash with my luck for the whole year ah?will it eliminate my whole family and 18 levels of ancestors ah?) either you are free or you are not. either you will like to join in the fun or want to run 10miles at the mere sight of my face. so, we have to call them for their reply. (i think we spoil them, that's why. they are used to people calling them personally for their replies so they just don't bother) it's a lose-lose situation. send early, they don't reply. send late, they also can't be bothered to reply. it's simple manners, i think. if you put yourself in your hostess' (beautiful one this is, by the way) shoes, how can we confirm with caterers if we have absolutely no idea how many will turn up. all the food will go to waste if we order too much and if there is too little food, a riot a'la prison camp style may break out. worse, hungry people may turn cannibalistic and start eyeing others' fat drumstick thighs....or even yummier, breasts *drool*. sorry, that topic is for another day. don't want to get you guys so horny this early in the morning.

so, we move on to the next part. the 'discussion' with the party organisers. this year we are having it at that big funland in the biggest shopping centre in Malaysia (or so they claim). economy must not be doing very good for this wonderful place has turned into a money-grabbing, wallet-eating monster. you want cake ah? must add money hor. you want nice picture ah? must add money hor. you want utensils to eat with ah? must add money hor. you want chairs to seat on ah? must add money hor. you want to breath air ah? must add money hor. ok, maybe i am exagerating towards the end but they were really bad. for a pax of 20 adults, the minimum order for onde-onde alone must be 70pieces! helloooooo! was is this? celebration of the re-birth of onde-onde ah? i haven't even come to the nuggets, chicken wings and hotdogs. i will end up with enough food to feed an army!

more on their $$$$ hungry tactics: kor-kor wants to have a batman themed party. soooo, we had to ask for their themed party sets which included invitations, plates, cups, napkins, cutleries. all for............are you ready for this? $15.00 per pax! oi! you can cater for that amount already lah. ok, ok. it was imported, so i was told. but i bet they took a reallllllly big margin. anyway, sigh! since we have promised kor-kor, gulp! we.....sob! sob! went on with it. but this money-besotted place wouldn't stop at that. they said that since we didn't go for the complete theme party thing, our set does not include the batman invitations and cutleries. Arghhhhhh! i am sure many would have walked out at this stage. but i was too tired to fight. so, fine. bloody hell, but fine, give me normal invitations and keep your bloody cutleries. for the same price! we got 2 sets, which worked out to be for 16 pax only, making it a total of $120 per set.

however, after i have managed to chase down the invitees (some of them were still putting up a fight, even after holding them down to the floor and kicking them good a few times) i realised i have 22pax. so, back i go to the monster. hi, i need to add 1 more set for another 6 pax lah. more people are turning up than i expected. like that ah, my boss says hor that i can't sell separately. i must sell one set (hello, i thought i was buying it in sets!) and the price is $240 but we include the invitations and cutleries. badaboom! that was me exploding! why the hell do i need the invitations now?? i have used your normal invitations and distributed them out. who am i suppose to send the batman invitations to?????? and why the price hike?! 100% leh. haiyoh! these places must come with health warning : those with weak heart, please stay away. detrimental to health and sanity. but let me teach you people out there something. if you are weak and soft, people will always try to bully you. if you come out in horns and quills, people will back down. sooooo, off came my sweet-sweet and "suk lui" (lady-like) hide and out came the par-cah si-lai warrior. apa-lah these people! i shall not go on but big managements always win in the end. what can you do? don't like ah? don't come lor.

must go now. for the follow-up on what goes on in the party, please tune in on sunday.

what is his kepala otak thinking of?

i have been transformed! somewhere in this big wide deeeep space called the internet, I have been transformed. leaving behind a dark and serious dr. jeckyl in another blogsite, i have becomed mr hyde (or in this case, ms leng lui lah) in this magical world. this space will be for me to "fat ngap fung" and let all my air out (and I don't mean from the rear end, ok? so, please stop pinching your nose)

my first entry will be dedicated to the first thing to piss me off today. he should be sooooo honoured. considering how farked up i am with his bloodi attitude and all the crap. mr j, which we shall so name him to save his anonymity, bloody hell, is an employee. and for some farked up reason (some things ah, if you don't swear, you just can't get your point across! on the whole, i am a fairly decent and 'see mun' girl, so please don't run off) he feels he is entitled to a share in whatever gain i come across. let's not beat around the bush. he is a company driver and we recently sold a property. he feels that he deserves a commission for showing off the property (by that i mean, driving to the property and opening the doors to prospective buyers...which is not too far off from his job description). he also mentioned the fact that we are selling to agents that were already asking at the door, for god sake, i repeat, already asking at the door! despite his lack of effort, we have from the very start already allocated some commission for him, in good faith. i mean, if we make money, come lah, everybody sama sama enjoy some lah. however, don't you think that this must be in accordance with your task. don't expect millions of dollar tips if you just hand out towels for people who finish washing their hands after using the toilet (sori, sori ah i am not demeaning those people and their jobs). so, was he thankful for the commission we gave him?noooooo, after receiving the commission and some months later, when we finally receive the final payment on the property (haiyoh, we were so nice to have paid him before receiving payment! this type of employer where to find?! what if the deal had fell through? will i get a refund of commission from him?) he had the cheek to ask us for commission! again! duh! what was it you received before? or did you think that the previous payment was a deposit???!!! he even named a quantum for the second payment! sometimes it is just difficult to understand what these 'kepala otak's are thinking of. parasite! if you want $$$$, work for it lah. don't be like this. i will always respect people who earn their money. and i am soooooo admirable of people who take their work seriously. sexy lah.