monday

i'm in a very strange mood today. a little bit of bitterness, a little bit of sweetness, a dose of sleepiness (from late night watching of korean series) and a tinge of muddleness.

i have something that i want to blog about - a topic close to the heart. however, being one year older has taught me that there are times when it is better to bite your tongue and keep quiet, rather than open up for the world to see. perhaps it is age. perhaps it is wisdom. i have learnt that sometimes i will do better by swallowing down by words and letting it pass. a part of me wants to leave it all here, so that i continue my journey without the burden. however, another part of me understands that words once spoken, there is no taking it back. maybe another time...

i am feeling so restless today. like there is something i want to be doing. organise a get-together perhaps? i certainly have one of those outstanding. maybe a party? halloween's still another month to go, so that will have to wait. i miss having a party though. a frenzy to get food prepared, a bustle of activities for decoration and invitation, a lot of hoo-hahs and finally, leaving all the cleaning up to the maid. yes, something...but what? the spirit is willing but the body is weak. or maybe lazy.

i had a wonderful lunch with an old friend today. perhaps the icing was the hug at the end of the day. it felt like a small part of the iceberg that is my heart melted away. maybe i am on the right track to getting the fire and warmth back. the problem with being an adult is that you put so many walls around yourself, protecting yourself from any possible way of getting hurt. so much so that you have managed to isolate every single thing in your life. you don't even know that you are doing it and it is all a subconscious reflex....... until one day, you realise that you feel nothing at all.

a little heavy on monday, don't you think? yes, definitely too heavy for me. i want to have fun.