parenting is life's most difficult job

this morning started out as a bright and sunny day.

now, i have a headache. again.

life is such an irony.

things were much simpler when i was a kid. i remember our elders teaching us the proper mind-set and principles for life. the lessons were simple. basic rudimentary moral codes that we would have known even if it was not grinded into us 24/7.

you should treat everybody equal and approach them with humility and manners.

you should have respect for public properties and not throw rubbish everywhere.

you should not talk to strangers.

you should work hard in your studies and behave in the classroom.

but when you grow up, you realise that all the teachings are merely idealistic dreams in a fool's paradise.

i have had so many experiences with people who just do not respond to refined decorum and mild-mannered suggestion. on the contrary, a strong firm voice with a little attitude and a lot of arrogance will get the other party jumping and acceding to your request within the shortest time-frame possible.

my husband had a little problem with a certain man, who was plainly recalcitrant and pulling his feet behind. his polite request and reminders were ignored and disregarded. feeling frustrated that the whole simple request was taking way too long, i send an sms in his name; the same sms as he had earlier sent, without the 'please' and 'thank you'. and i added 'a second reminder' to the front of the text. within one minute, he responded with a 'no problem'. this was the same request that my husband has been asking from him for the past two weeks. by the end of the day, that man still has not come back with the required information. again, i took his handphone and send another message, this time with a 'when can i have it?'. within half an hour, the necessary information was forwarded to us. this is only one example of so many that i have encountered in life. a slightly raised voice and a little attitude...is that the way to better efficiency?

so, how do i teach my kids? to treat everybody fairly and gently, with 'please' and 'thank you' punctuating your sentences? but if it would get nothing done for them? surely, it cannot be morally correct to teach them to intimidate and frighten others into action. but it is a 'big fish eat small fish' world out there, so do i teach them proper manners or how to survive?

i was in a queue with some very young students today. everybody was waiting for their turn, albeit impatiently as they have to return to class. a prefect stepped in front and jumped the queue. his classmate told him that he was cutting in and that he should join the queue like everybody else. that little boy gave a wordly expression, probably from imitating his parents, and said it was alright as he was in a hurry. okaaaayyyy, so was everybody else in the queue. anyway, the cashier took his payment for the purchase, which in turn caused the other boys to say that they should have done the same in the first place and they will not queue in the future. so, do i teach my daughter to fight for what she wants or wait blindly like the rest of the students? yes, if everybody does not follow rules, there will be chaos. but have you never jumped queue whilst waiting at a badly-jammed road? so, does she wait and risk being scolded by the teacher for being late, or does she feign ignorance and walk innocently to the front of the cashier?

i tell my children all the time that they should be wary when talking to strangers. for evil has no face. you can't tell if the friendly looking lady is plotting some not so pleasant schemes. however, when she meet people in the lift, and they ask her friendly questions like which school she goes to and other normal pleasantries, she ignores them. she has always been shy with strangers but i was upset that she could be so rude. she comes back with the reply, 'but you tell me not to talk to strangers'. again, i am defeated. i do not know what to say or do. she is right. then again, wouldn't normal courtesy require that she acknowledge the lady? i am starting to question what is right and what is wrong.

people tell me that good mothers will check their children's homework. so, if i were to spot a mistake, do i point it out to her? if i do, she will correct all the errors and hand to the teacher an error-free work, which will not highlight to the teacher that she is not very familiar with the topic. if i don't, then what is the point of checking the work in the first place? surely it can't be natural for a child to always hand in a perfect workpaper. is she is forever correct, she must be a genius. but then again, how can i check my daughter's work and leave the error there, knowing full well that she will be marked wrong.

loving a child is easy. it's nurturing them and teaching them that is the most difficult. when they were babies, all you have to do is provide them with lots of love, attention and make sure they are properly clothed and fed. when they grow older, you have to be careful of stiffling them with your love. you have to give them leaway to make their own mistake, and watch while they resent you for not being there to mollycoddle them. you have to let them grow and harden your heart against their wimpy cries. you tell them you love them and send them out in the tough world.

i'm in a dilemma now whether to 'rescue' my daughter from an unpleasant situation in school. or to let her learn that this is what the real world is like. isn't it a little too early yet? i want her to remain as innocent, sweet and untouched as long as it's possible. but she must also learn to fight her own battles and hopefully grow from there. but what if she doesn't have it in her? shouldn't i protect her? what if she is not yet ready?

i really don't know how to be a good parent anymore.