good days and bad

i have learnt to put all my memories into an imaginary box. a beautiful rainbow-coloured box, complete with a beautiful ribbon on top. i have always told ah pek that memories are what our life is all about. at the end of the day, we look back and all that we have are memories. but i never realised that memories can be so painful.

it is too much for me to go through them now. so, i lay them gently in a box in a corner of my mind. until i have the courage to take them out again and go through them, one by one, and reminisce of the sweet old times that i had with her.

so, i go on without thinking of her, without remembering all the times we have spend together. some days, i carry on fine. some days, like today, it gets a little bit harder.

i dreamt of her last night. my brain is not playing fair. just as i find a way to carry on with my life normally, my subconscious mind threw me a curve ball. i dreamt that there was another her. another person who acts, talks and behaves like her. if you know her, you will know that this is impossible. no one has her energy, her directness and her sincerity. i only wish i could have held on to that her, even if it was only in my dreams.

i can't face her today. i can't find the courage to visit her in the hospital today. not when i can still see so clearly in my mind the image of her moving around, so full of life. yet, i feel so guilty. for not holding her hand and being by her side today.....

will i be able to leave all this hurt and pain behind me one day? i am afraid to, lest i shall forget her.