closing of a chapter

this blog is a mixture of my muses, my thoughts and sometimes, the journal of my journey in life. if you sometimes find reading it a little confusing and lost, don't worry. you are sneaking a glimpse into my real world and are being a spectator to a page in my life. just enjoy what you read and don't feel pressured to leave comments.

today is the last day of the month of May.

i bid adieu to my vegetarianism status and say a hesitant hello to being an omnivore again.

it has been a difficult month for a true born carnivore like me. meat has always been my staple food. but it is not the abstinence that i find testing. i have had people, be it close or distant, judging me and putting all kinds of pressure and expectations on me. i have tried to keep as quiet as possible about my decision for i did not make this choice to please or impress anybody. i made it to satisfy the beatings of my own heart.

i cannot stand idly by whilst she lay there. the moment the idea popped into my head that i give up something i love to do in exchange for her health, i cannot just shove it out without feeling guilty. knowing that i could have done something, i cannot live knowing that i have never tried it, regardless of the fact that it could have no real bearing on her progress.

i am just sorry i couldn't do it for a longer time. whilst i desperately want her to recover, i have to balance it with the concern and love that my mother has for me. whilst my heart bleed for her, my mum's bleed for me.

closing this chapter of my life and moving on to another is a little scary. i have been very surprised that i did not miss eating meat at all when i have been doing it for my whole life. conversely, making the first step back, i am a little hesitant to put that first piece into my mouth again.

it feels strange.

interactive blogging?

today let's try interactive blog. as with all new techonology, interaction is the way to go. whenever you read a blog, it's mostly one way. the blogger goes on and on about something and you pass a comment, or two.

now, we start interactive blogging. today, i tell you two things about me, one that you don't know and one that you already know (or is supposed to, if you have been following closely). then when you leave comment, you tell me three things; two about you, one that i don't know and one that i already know. and one more thing about me, be it what you think about me or know about me or whatsoever. you can reveal as much about yourself or be as trivial as you like.

complicating? childish? whatever. amuse me. let's just try it for the sake of trying. why? because i thought of it. entertain a person who is bored out of her brains, ok?

ok, i'll start.....

What you don't know.....
1) i wish i can find my passion in life

What you know...
2) i love to eat maggi mee, curry of course.

now, you..................

*********************************************************************

today is the first day of the children's school holiday. as the best mum ever (my children said so what) i'm already scratching my head, trying to come up with new ideas to entertain them everyday.

yesterday, we started our first session of 'ku-ku cooking' (ku-ku referring to me, which stems from the word ku-cher meaning aunty; which is what my nieces and nephew calls me). the 4 children (not all mine) had their very first lesson of cooking from amateur me; alfredo pasta.

yes, they did it all by themselves. cutting, cooking, boiling, washing.....all right down to eating. you should see their end result..............

ok. maybe i should have taken the photo before they polished the whole thing off. but they were really fast. they finished it before i can even say 'yummmmmmmyyyyyy".

oh yes, there was also the cheezels tea-time. when was the last time you ate cheezels from your fingers? :-)

from bak chang, with love

spent the weekend helping my mum with the making of...........the dumpling. she must have made more than 200 and my hands reek from the oily familiar stench. kind of puts me off dumpling for a little while. hence, also the absence of visual to share with you. to enrich your imagination, go to the nearest market and buy one, steam it for 20mins, unwrap the leaves and place it next to you, whilst you read this entry.

you know when the game tetris was previously in fashion, and you spent the whole day trying to make the blocks fit the puzzle, then you dream of it when you close your eyes? yes, that was me and the dumplings on saturday. after trying to fold the leaves in such and such a way so that i can get the 'socially-correct' triangular shape, i can see it happening in front of me when i close my eyes. give me a break. :-) by sunday, i have gone over the deep end.

i never knew how to wrap those little pyramid-shape things for the longest time. i could only see my mum slave over them year after year, while i stand by helplessly. one year, as my mum got older, i figured that if i can conquer an mba, i can conquer this! and with a very technical mind, i applied the science of logic, physics and domestic dexterity. i tried and tried and tried. finally, they looked semi-triangle and the most important of all, they didn't fall apart. triumph!

that was then. the next year, my grandad passed away. so, we stopped making the dumplings for 3 years. erm, don't ask me why. the higher authorities deemed so and we, the small fries, follow. after the required 3 years of intermission, we continued, only to have my grandma pass away the year following that. so, another 3 years of refrain. this is my first year back again.

come dumpling time, i seem to be full of theories and philosophies. i guess it's because it's a time-old culture that is fast becoming a dying art. i may have learnt the very basic skill of wrapping them but i have never picked up the process of preparation; the ingredients-shopping, the cooking, the frying and the marinating. without the core process, the skills i have acquired is as useless. it is something that i would love to pass on to my children. a food and skill steeped in culture and ethnology.

hubby has the time-old opinion that women are more perfect if they have mastered this art. chauvinistic? *shrugs shoulder*. he's entitled to his opinion. but you will find that almost all dumplings are made by women (except for those made by restaurants). why? most men will claim that the most renowned chefs are male, yet why is this a women's domain? because it requires patience, endurance and lots of love. much like motherhood. it is also back-breaking and thankless.

so, when you pop that warm piece of glutinous rice in your mouth, have you thought of all the love that went into making it? (er....except for those who have bought theirs from the market). the warmth from the dumpling as it makes its way down your throat reminds you that there is still someone out there who loves you.

my 2nd meme

yeh, yeh. my 2nd meme *rubbing hands in glee* :-) seng kor says that i have to do them after my pms, erm...the last i checked it's over and done with, so let's do it! memes are fun....but too revealing. shall i go the gila gila way....or the serious deep dark secret way.........do you people want to know what's eating inside me and what makes me tick.......or do you just want to be entertained and have a good time? let me mull this over and come back.

************

ok, on with the meme.....

I AM a good girl, but boy! do i wish i am naughty.

I JUST NOW went out by the most boring way, on the most boring trip to source for the most boring thing and here i am, bored out of my mind.

I WANT! oh yes! i want, i want, i wanttttttttttttttttttt. sighhhhhhhhh! *lighting up a cigarette* was it good for you?

I HATE all those stupid people who drives in front of me. they never signal, cannot make up their mind to turn left or right and cannot find the accelerator pedal. and i hate those people who just throw rubbish everywhere like they own the roads. and i hate those people who jump queue as if their time is precious but mine is not. and i hate those people who abuses your friendship and i hate those ........do you want me to go on? we can be here forever.

I MISS my good friend. damn! don't remind me.....

I FEAR of being cynical and jaded. i fear of roaches. i fear of being confined. i fear of heights. i fear of small spaces. i fear of........again, we can be here till the next century if i go on.

I HEAR the sound of water falling. *turning my head* oh! it's raining. i love rain. i love being melancholic. wait, that is supposed to fall under 'i love....'

I REGRET not kissing that handsome boy that i met just now. are you crazy?! i hope to be able to say on my death bed that i have no regrets.

I AM NOT superman. wuching is. i may be superwoman.....or wonder woman but definitely not superman.

I SING so badlyyyyyyy. so, never never ask me to sing if you value your sense of hearing.

I CRY so easily but i hide my tears. raining, no astro ah? wahhhhhhhhh! dinner 5 seconds late ah? wahhhhhh!

I AM NOT ALWAYS sane. i make the appearance of being sane....but inside i'm very very unstable. heeehheee *strange laughter coming out from somewhere*

I MADE wild love under the sexy rain. nah! but just felt like saying that. so sue me.

I WRITE craps but strangely enough, i have some decent people who are still interested to read it. such nice folks, so decent, so considerate (time for some apple-polishing. heehee)

I CONFUSE whether i am a girl or a guy.....or maybe a mixture of both....or maybe neither.

I NEED a good break. i need friends around me. i need people who really cares about me. all of which i don't have.

I SHOULD make more of an effort to live my life. but i just let it pass me by. it's easier.

I START this meme not knowing whether to be serious about it or just lie my way through

I FINISH this meme still not knowing whether i have been serious or i was just lying my way through

and i pass this baton to him, who has a good head on such a young shoulder. and his english - damn terror! it will be interesting.

hello?

ring ring.....*picks up the phone*

hellooo....

hi.......how are you?..........

erm.........

i bet you get many phone calls that begin like this and yet, there i was scratching my head, wondering how to answer that question.

so, do you want me to launch into the entire thesis of what has been happening to me lately, how things are bugging me, how i have been unable to function normally and how i am so desperately trying to adjust back to normal life, how i have been contemplating the appropriate ways to end my life, the whole works. you know, that may take quite a while. (this is just an example and not meant to portray my present mental status :-p)

or do you expect me to answer 'fine', which kind of makes the question redundant then.

tell me, how am i supposed to answer a question like this?

erm....actually i had a very close brush with the law yesterday and i was taken to the police station, which incidentally is where i am now. by the way, can you help to post bail?

and if i do go on and on about how i am really doing, there is a very high likelihood that the caller will at one point forget the real reason he is calling.

er.......actually i called you for........erm........ar..........it's for.......................hmmmm...........................i think i need to call you back on that. and then the cycle continues when he calls back again.

so, a quick 'fine' and 'i called you for......blah blah blah'. that will do, right? not very sincere, not the exact thruth, but for the sake of expediency, it will have to do for now. i mean, if you are concerned to know how i am really doing, come visit me and find out for yourself. *sticks tongue out*

thank you for being here

the dark clouds have passed. i look up with a smile.

hey guys, i'm back. i really needed that break to re-charge my batteries. i was starting to feel so drained, head aching, shoulder tensed, hands shaking and concentration shot. erm....not that my hands are any steadier now, but now at least i don't have that unexplainable resistance to the dry routine that i go through everyday. i needed to get away, even if for a little while.

you know that frustrating feeling when you can't find something even when it is right in front of your eyes? it's like you can look, but you can't see. that was how it felt like. you can hear, but you can't listen. you are there, but your soul is not. i was tired of feeling that way. i needed to break free from the rut i have put myself in. i needed to be me.

i indulged in some 'me' time whilst i was away.

i did some...
















and some......






and

i also caught...

haha. despite seng kor's review on it, he didn't spoil the movie for me. :-p. this week, da vinci.

ahhhhh...the small pleasures in life.

my next mission, should i choose to accept it: the meme seng kor sent my way........ (this message will self destruct in 5 seconds)

*************************************************

to my dearest Lisa,

i take a deep breath before i begin.

there is so much that i want to say to you, so many things that i want to do with you. i am filled with a sense of hopelessness as i realise that i can only dream of them now. it will forever be a mark of regret on my life.

at the moment, i am not strong enough to carry you with me. whenever i think of you, i break down and i die a little. i find it so hard to put you down. but for a little while, i have to. keep all our memories aside while i start again, and adjust to life without you. learn to be strong again.

every little thing reminds me of you. there has not come a single day when i haven't thought of you. but it's cutting so deep. one day i can smile and laugh, the next i'm down and out. just when i think the sky is bright, i break down again.

but i have to go on. for you, i will live harder, play harder and love harder. i just wish you were next to me, to walk this road.

until i am strong again, and i can pick up your memories without tears streaming down my face....

i love you.

getting there.....but not quite

my 'me' bowl is only a bit full. need a little more time............

until i'm back up and running again.....

no mood...................

he said, she said

on the surface, it looks the same. the same gray colour, the same two hemispheres, the same nerve endings. and the same lobes. why is it that his brain behaves so differently from hers?

she said:
he always says he is so tired when he comes home. he never bothers to play with the kids, talk to me or even look at me. he just sit infront of the tv or computer and spend all the time staring at the square box.

he said:
after working so hard everyday, i feel so drained and i come home to my children fighting and crying, toys strewn everywhere and her, with such a dark moody face. i entertain all the time in the office, you expect me to come back and entertain my family some more ah? i can't even relax in my own home.

she said:
he doesn't understand that when i have to stay home and be stuck with the kids and his parents the whole day, i need a break too. their screaming and neediness, sometimes i just want to get out and take a breather, otherwise i will go crazy.

he said:
i run here and there in the day, all i want to do is come back and put up my feet, drink a beer or two. just let the brain rest. i don't want to brave the crowds and push and shove some more.

she said:
why is he not interested in me anymore? he doesn't care what i wear or pass a second glance at me. i show him my love everyday by cooking for him and his family, cleaning and washing, taking care of the bills and his children and he doesn't have to lift a finger. i give him my everything but he doesn't appreciate me anymore.

he said:
there is no more magic in the marriage. after 15years, i come back to the same woman, same house, same children. same everything. she doesn't make me tingle anymore. it's not my fault.

she said:
when i wear a certain style of clothes, he thinks it doesn't look nice. when someone else wears it, he drools at them. i have to take care of his children, so i can't wear heels or skirt and run after them. practicality must come first since i am a mother mah.

he said:
she wears the same thing all the time. so boring. she should do something to her hair or her clothes. change the way she looks sometimes.

she said:
i always tell him i love him. all he says is me too. i am so tired of always making the move.

he said:
i'm still here, aren't i? isn't that enough to show her that i love her? why else will i hang around?

hi, martian, meet venus. much too complicated for a simple mind like me to analyse.

smile a little smile

i feel so lazy today. like i need to recuperate and take things easy for a while - not so much for my physical health but for my mental strength. lately a lot seems to be coming my way and i have put up the "no more bad news" sign but i believe destiny is "buta huruf".

i turn left and i'm faced with a hysterical maid whose 23 year old sister passed away suddenly. i turn right and i'm faced with another member of the household whose daughter tried to commit suicide, albeit unsucessfully. i log into ah pek's blog and he tells me tales of disagreement between his mother and wife ( i have been meaning to post an entry on unfilial sons and daughters for the longest time because i get so upset with people like that....wait...wait until i have more time on my hands and is not plagued with these unhappy moments). and then there is his tale of idiotic ricky and siblings.

i retreat and take a leisurely outing and aunty tells me story of old woman with 10 children, all grown up but refuses to share the $6000 bill for her to do a knee-cap surgery, thus leaving her incapacitated in the hospital for the longest time.

then, i read my mail and my new friend tells me how her husband doesn't know to appreciate her after many years of marriage. how she feels lonely, unloved and unwanted.

what is this world coming to? where is human decency and morality? where is kindness and love?

i refuse to be sad.

come on my friends, let's all be happy
put the things aside and stop feeling so crappy
just go out, do all the things that makes us merry
and not wait until we are old and in nappy.

i don't want to live my life moping
keep harping on sad issues and hoping
that tomorrow will be a better day for coping
or be in the dark everyday and groping

happiness is how we view it
whether we want to see the dark bit
or look at the happy side and let our smile the room lit
it's up to us how we want to hit

for lives will always be filled with ups and down
just when you get over one, there is more reason to frown
but hold our head up high and shout to the town
i'm still here and in misery i refuse to drown

i want to be laughing
appreciate everything and everybody i am loving
time is so short, don't be looking
for sorrow at each turning

for each story there is two side
if only from another's viewpoint we open our eyes wide
then we understand that there is no wrong or right
and we won't get so uptight

so, let's not judge
or hold any grudge
i want happiness, i will not budge
i'm sure you do too so i'll give you a little nudge

to walk along this road to happiness

it is throbbing!

*holding head in between hands* i have a headache. for a few days now. each morning when i wake up, even after a good night sleep, my good friend, mr headache, comes back to look for me. he only leaves when my head touches the pillow and konks out for the night. how thoughtful....but how miserable.

and my shoulders and neck feel so tensed and painful. backrub, anybody?

sigh! what should i do? i have a number of suggestions at the top of my mind.

1. dunk my brain in ice water to let it cool off......

2. use a plastic toy hammer to knock at the part that hurts to ease the pain.......

3. or use a real hammer to knock on my hands. body can only recognise one pain at a time.......

4. go for a head transplant........

5. read hilarious blogs and get my mind off the pain......

6. hibernate until winter....which will never come in our country.......

7. eat a bowl of chilli padi......same theory as the real hammer but this one with lots of vitamin c......

8. watch korean dramas, vcds after vcds, until brain also blur.......

9. go for yoga classes, maybe the exercise will do my body good. this is one of the more normal ones but since today is thursday, and it is my regular yoga slot, this sounds like a really sound idea.

10. go for a holiday in new zealand.....this one a little bit difficult to do at this very second, but i can still dream.....

cannot stress out my brain too much. anymore suggestions? eeeekkk. why didn't i think of just taking 2 panadols from day one? sigh!

ok, i'm going for that panadol now............
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
what?! you are still here? what are you waiting for? free panadols ah? byeeeeee!

the master of blabbing

recently i had a chance encounter with a real si-fu, a master in her chosen field. she must have weathered so much trials and tribulations to be able to master her skills and honed them with such perfection. i take my hat off in awe of her abilities. i must make an effort to discover if she has learnt them from some ancient shaolin instruction manuals or plainly from the book of life. if only i can stand the strength of her powers long enough not to fall asleep.

this fine lady, aunty l, is a nurse who is presently looking after my grandma. poor granny has just undergone surgery for a broken femur and is slowly on the path of recovery. so, i have the fortune, or misfortune (depending on whose viewpoint you are looking from) to cross skills with her whenever i look in on granny.

me: ah mah ah, how are you feeling today?

granny: ahhh....i....

aunty l: today she is much better, look at her, so alert now, blah, blah, blah.

once she stopped, i ventured on...

me: did you see your favourite teow chew movies this morning?

granny: *opens mouth to begin talking*........

aunty l: let me tell you the list of her activities from the time she woke up this morning. first she got up, and then we..blah blah blah blah blah.

that lasted for a few good minutes. taking a deep breath, i tried again.

me: ah mah, have you eaten your lunch? must eat more hor.

granny: yaa...i.....

aunty l: wah, she eat so much today. the bowl of porridge was quite big, blah, blah, blah.

head spinning round and round and face rapidly turning blue, i tried again.

me: here is much better than your hometown, right? can see your sons and daughter and all your grandchildren. when we are free, we can just come and talk to you, no need take 3hours ride to talk to you.

grandma: hai......

aunty l: you really remind me of that tropicana man, hor. he also says things like that and ......blah blah blah.....that quek leng chan blah blah blah............i also take care of the tan & tan family........blah blah blah

i don't know at which point in time, my soul has left the body and an empty shell was sitting there, feigning an interested look. she went on and on, not waiting for me to keep up, and all i could do was put in a proper nod and a polite 'hmm' here and there.

after a few more tries at talking to my grandma, i gave up. she couldn't get a word in and i couldn't hold a proper and direct conversation with her, minus the commentaries from aunty l. it was too much for an inexperienced conversationalist like me. she could twart any topic into what she wants to talk about. for that matter, she can talk about any topic. she must be one bored lady.

all i know is, by the time my granny's leg has recovered, she may have forgotten her ability to speak since she will not get much chance to exercise it in the coming few months.

when a loud noise from nearby was heard, and granny asked what happened, i quickly pretended to investigate, took my bag and made my escape.

but how long can i hide?

is there a conspiracy against me?

today's entry is delivered in colloquial english.

i tak boleh tahan liao. anymore bad news come, i karate chop the sender. beware! you have been warned. bearer of bad news, please hold on to it for a little while until i can take a deep breath and be more mentally prepared.

today i have more than i can handle. one more. one more and i guarantee i will pengsan. so, unless you want to be the guilty party, scat!

first thing in the morning, her aunty called to say that they will send her to singapore for further medical treatment. sigh! i guess it is a good thing for her since they have very good doctors over there but it also means i will not be able to see her for some time. and her condition is so fragile now. i rushed over to see her for one more time. to give her more semangat, and maybe myself too, i told her to hang in there and get stronger over there, so that she can return to me very soon. macam lesbian like that. but what to do? only when you lose somebody, do you realise how vital they are in your everyday life.

second thing was a call from my cousin. she was the one who googled and found my first puppy love. the one that i wanted to meet up again so long ago but have forgotten about it for the longest time. anyway, she asked me if no. 1 gave me a call. she has asked me this so many times in the last month that i also malu to answer. remember the phone calls that i was waiting for? well, this guy was one of them. and that was last month. yap, he never bothered to call me back. so, i malu malu tell her that he has not bothered to call me. says a lot about me when my ex doesn't want to talk to me again, hor? but what to do? this is the fact. well, it seems that he called her out for lunch today....and that invitation has not been extended to me. sigh! never mind lor. what can i do? i must go stare in the mirror until my eye balls bulge out and find out what is wrong with me.

she later called to tell me that he didn't dare to call me because he felt that i was very busy and asked her to extend invitation to me. huh?!!! i just want to go hit my head against the wall. really tak boleh tahan. how to react? of course, i said i can't go. invitation at the eleventh hour, you think i so desperate meh. not tarik harga, but not cheap lidat mah. somemore said think i very busy. very clever! how he know this? got spy looking at me ah? don't give so many excuses lah. sad case. so long never see, no need to be like that mah. i am not stalker also. one point deducted from my confidence meter.

as if not yet die, another person gave me a kick in the stomach. someone that i don't know at all. accused me out of the blue of something that i did not do. i felt like the victim in justice pao movie, "yuen wong ahhhhhhhhh" (innocent ahhhhhhhh). after explaining, she finally believed me but the damage has been done to my weak heart and weaker soul. my hands shivering. my head spinning.

please, spare me. i can't take anymore.

the amazing medicine bag!

in response to leng-leng helen's curiousity, i unveil the miraculous mobile purple medicine cabinet. ta dah! clap clap clap.



as you can see, with my hand as a scale, it is really not that big.

ok. on with the life-saving things inside..........................

it's all there....erm, except for that empty vial of eye lubricant. what did you expect? it was empty.

so, the next time that any of you have a nagging headadche, or a small cut...you know who to look for.

good days and bad

i have learnt to put all my memories into an imaginary box. a beautiful rainbow-coloured box, complete with a beautiful ribbon on top. i have always told ah pek that memories are what our life is all about. at the end of the day, we look back and all that we have are memories. but i never realised that memories can be so painful.

it is too much for me to go through them now. so, i lay them gently in a box in a corner of my mind. until i have the courage to take them out again and go through them, one by one, and reminisce of the sweet old times that i had with her.

so, i go on without thinking of her, without remembering all the times we have spend together. some days, i carry on fine. some days, like today, it gets a little bit harder.

i dreamt of her last night. my brain is not playing fair. just as i find a way to carry on with my life normally, my subconscious mind threw me a curve ball. i dreamt that there was another her. another person who acts, talks and behaves like her. if you know her, you will know that this is impossible. no one has her energy, her directness and her sincerity. i only wish i could have held on to that her, even if it was only in my dreams.

i can't face her today. i can't find the courage to visit her in the hospital today. not when i can still see so clearly in my mind the image of her moving around, so full of life. yet, i feel so guilty. for not holding her hand and being by her side today.....

will i be able to leave all this hurt and pain behind me one day? i am afraid to, lest i shall forget her.

a tribute to mother.......'s silent supporter

when i said i will be a vegan for a little while, he didn't ask why. he didn't make a fuss nor try to influence my decision. he just made sure i had enough to eat.he was always careful to select places where i can find suitable nourishment to fill my tummy and silently supported by decision. he didn't try to tempt me with other food or try to break my resolve.

when he knew my best friend was sick and i have to visit her in the hospital daily, he didn't show his displeasure at the disruption it caused to the family's schedule. he took over the chauffering of the kids so that i can visit her with a peaceful mind. and when i am too tired to drive all the way to the hospital, he personally sends me there and waits quietly while i talk to her.

when he comes back after a long day at the office, he reaches for me and gives me a back rub because he knows that i had an equally stressful day.

when i send cher-cher to school even before the sun is breaking, i come back to a warm loving breakfast that he has prepared for me. sometimes, he even includes a small note to brighten my day.

when he knows i feel trapped in the daily grind of a mother's life and is suffocating, he dates me for a movie and a romantic dinner.

when he comes home at night, the first thing he does is switch on the water heater so that i can have a warm shower. and the second thing he does is re-charge the handphone for his very absent-minded wife.

he is always there to remind me how to be a good mother, a good daughter and a good person.

if i am a good mother, it is because i have him and his love.

moonlighting

a few weeks ago, i was forced to take up a part-time job. as if juggling motherhood and my existing career is not hard enough, i took on a new challenge. well, it was not like i had a choice anyway. so, let me share my experience with you.

my first and hopefully, only day on the job......as a nurse. but don't you have to be medically qualified to work in this choice of career, even if it is part-time? wellll.....i guess so but not in this case. read on, and you will soon understand.

i proceeded to don the very sexy and short *ahem* white uniform. hmmmm, it sure does wonders for my figure.i'll remember not to bend over, lest i cause a heart-attack to those fragile 'ah peks' in the clinic. suitably attired, i started work and took up the folder that held the names of the patients waiting. hmmmm.....it seems that there is one and only one patient waiting today. a mr. kom. strange surname. mr kom pew ter.

anyway, i lead him into the consultation room and instructed him to hop on the examination table. i took his pulse rate. he was moving a little slow recently and doesn't seem to be working to his full capacity. in fact, he collapsed several times in the recent week. instinct told me that he has been infected by virus, but i can't be sure. there are the symptoms, like slow to respond to instructions, popping up of irregular thoughts and actions and of course, the frequent collapse of the system.

the doctor was not around, so i gave him the usual dose of the anti-virus medicine. i know i should have waited for the expert.......but i was already familiar with what he would have done, so where is the harm. i was told that this pill by norton works wonders with atypical virus such as this. the latest 2006 model was very expensive but i figured it must be worth it. unfortunately, it didn't work. the test came back positive for a number of viruses but the norton pill couldn't eradicate it. at least not to my satisfaction. i tried to clean his system by giving him a wash-over but.......he was still running slow and i still had all these conflicting messages from him.

finally , i threw in the towel. i gave up. i sent him over to seng-kor's territory for the expert to have a look at it. i didn't see the big man himself but his people managed to help. and what did they do? they re-formated him.

and now, my com-pu-ter is back to normal and working fine.

thank you.

glimpse of the real me

today we shall embark on the unveiling of the real me. ta dah! who is ms lenglui? actually, come to think of it, it's such a silly name, thought of in a hurry. as people say, nobody praises you, you praise yourself lah. i cringe when i read it and gets goosepimples.....but it's a little too late to change that now. so, we move on.

people (again 'people'. i wonder who all these people are.) say that you can tell a lot from what is in a woman's handbag. ah ha! so, today, i empty my bag to show you the contents. i wanted to supply some visuals but i can't find the line that links my handphone to the computer, so you will just have to use your imagination. hmmm.... maybe that is the first hint to my character.

ok, on with the pouring out of my handbag. a second please....

the first thing i took out is a small purple bag with the cutest butterfly smiling back at me. this is my first aid bag - a very important accessory that i cannot leave home without. in this little bag, i have many small transparent bags. yes. bags within a bag within a bag. and i have the following inside:

1. a strip of clarinase, for days when the cold bug has me in its grip,
2. 2 strips of zantac.
3. 3 gelusil,if you know what these 2 medicines are, then you will have an idea of how bad my gastritis can get,
4. a strip of baike wan. ah ha! friends, this is the best chinese medicine to take when you feel your body aches and the flu is coming on. 1 tablet and you are better than new.
5. a strip of panadol flu & cold, chinese and western join forces mah.
6. vicks, for cher-cher's stuffy nose,
7. mopiko, for kor-kor's itchy legs,
8. a small bottle of axe brand medicated oil, not for when this aunty feels faint but when cher-cher gets tummy ache.
9. another small bag containing assortments of very cute plasters.
10. oronime ointment, this is useful for anything from cuts to razor burns and soreness, real or imaginary.
11. a small mirror - this can come in very useful - from checking out the guy at the next table to a subtle check on my lipstick.
12. 2 tubes of lipgloss - different colour for different mood.
13. an opened pack of strepsil for the frog in my throat or to appease crying children.
14. an empty used vial of refresh eye lubricant. now that it is empty, i have an excuse to wink at cute guys when the dust gets in my eye.

what a long list! and i have only just touch on the first thing from my handbag!

and the rest of the things:

15. a face mask, just in case seng-kor ask me out for a movie.
16. a hello kitty coin bag,
17. some yoga class passes,
18. a book entitled 'the monk who sold his ferrari',
19. a tube of sunblock cream which i don't use often enough
20. my wallet, i shall not go into that. that will take me forever to empty
21. a card holder for all those silly membership cards. they give out loyalty cards now for everything from bookshop to beddings. even underwears and illegal vcds!
22. of course, there is my ever-faithful handphone which i am rarely without.
23. scraps and pieces of paper which only makes sense to me and vouchers from here and there.
24. electronic passes
25. mp3 player,
26. 2 pens. why do i need 2? *scratching head*
27. keys
28. comb. strange since i never run a comb through my hair, not even at home.
29. 2 tubes of glue, for cher-cher. i really should start to take out some things in there....before it grows root and sprout more.
30. plastic fasteners...more things that i need to take out.
31. packet of tissue with one piece of tissue left.

hew! *wiping sweat from eyebrow*. no wonder my shoulder aches most of the time.

so, what can you tell from my bag?

i am confused!

today i visited her in the hospital, as usual. she's not doing too well.......sigh! i am more worried about her family. i know how tough things must be for them and how strong they are trying to be. only wish those 'well-meaning' idiotic relatives and insensitive dummies can just shut up and stop trying to meddle. anybody got an extra frying pan for head-smashing?

anyway, let's not dwell on depressing stuff. everybody is down enough without me hovering on such sad issues. today, let's talk about another topic.....sexuality. wah! all the guys suddenly perk up their attention and sit straight in their chairs, ears opened wide.

before your imagination runs wild, this is not an x-rated site, so there will not be talks of orgasm or g-spots (disappointed? sorry lor). there are other more stimulating sites for that purpose; i have no idea where the elusive g-spot is myself so i'll stick to familiar territory.

the other day, when i was talking to a guy friend, i realise that most guys have the opposite sex's characteristics and manners categorised neatly in a package. to a guy, a girl is sure to like desserts, cry over mushy movies, drive badly, get very emotional and excited when they hear of friends getting pregnant (he even showed me how we are supposed to react physically!), don't know peanuts about the computer and be totally ignorant over household repairs.....and i don't know what else.

is that what every guy thinks? that all women behave in the same exact way? that we automatically fit a list of feminine characteristics without saying?

i do wonder about my own sexuality at times.

for one, whenever i pass a d.i.y. shop, i have a very strong urge to wander along the aisles and check out what's new in the home-repair tools department. even if there is nothing to fix around the house, i can browse and spend hours in there. our toolbox at home is fully equipped for all types of 'emergency', probably more than my make-up box.

i change bulbs and starters, i repair toys and i am more adept with the computer than hubby dearest (and anything relating to modern gadgets, for that matter).

i dislike desserts and would much rather have a piece of steak with a glass of red wine. no, i don't crave for cakes and will definitely not pass over my main course for anything sweet. people give me strange stares when i say i don't like sweet stuffs.... what can i say? different people, different taste.

i do cry when i see sad movies but groups of gossiping women freak me out. when i see a group of women, i feign bad eyesight and walk quickly pass, or time constraint and quicken my steps. i'm bad at small talk and would rather get to the point whenever anyone calls me. that may come across as rude, i guess.....but i really suck at making pointless conversation.

i am hopeless when it comes to putting on creams and beauty products. i much rather spend the time lounging infront of the tv. i can be ready and out of the house in five minutes......a little bit indecisive when it comes to closet-choosing but otherwise, much faster than my dad and bro; or anyone else in the household.

discussion on hair saloon, beauty products and fashion bores me. once in a blue moon, you may catch me at a pedicure but if i have to visit one regularly, i will be brain dead by now and definitely starting to rot.

that doesn't mean that i have anything against women who know how to take care of themselves. it should be a woman's nature to do so, but if i don't, does that make me any less of a woman? if i don't fit nicely into the label, am i any less feministic?

i never thought so, but now i am confused.

counting the raindrops

one............................two..................three.................four

...................five........................six...............seven.................

eight.....................nine...........................ten........................

eleven.............twelve...........thirteen.......fourteen........

fifteen.......sixteen......seventeen.....eighteen.....nineteen

....twenty....twenty one....twenty-two....twenty-three

...twenty four...twenty five..twenty six..twenty seven

..twenty eight. twenty nine .thirty. thirty one.thir. ..two

..erm..three..er..thir........................never mind.