a friend asked "how do you feel?"

today is a beautiful sunny day..........but she still lies there, unaware of the passing day...or me. for her, i gather the courage every morning to see her but my heart is heavy and my feets are like lead.

everytime i look at her, i am reminded of how i have failed her. i should have been there more for her, to hold her hands and listen to her stories. i thought i had.....but only now i learn that it had not been enough. i hold my head in shame.

i listened but i did not hear. i met her but i did not see her. i told everybody to be appreciative of those around them.....but i did not walk the talk.

what emotions go through you when you lose your dearest friend?

anger....for the silly event of things that caused me to lose someone so close.

sadness.....for not being able to talk to her ever again *sob*

regret........for the things not said or done. your brain turns the last meeting and last words exchanged over and over in the mind, dissecting each word and phrase....wishing more was said and wanting to take back some of the things that should have not been said.

i have put my life on hold, waiting for her to come back.....but so many things are demanding attention. i find it hard to cope. i gingerly put one step forward to move on.....but i feel so guilty. i feel like i am leaving her behind.

when i laugh, when i have a good time, when i carry on with my normal life...i feel guilty. when i do the things that i usually do with her, i am faced with a phobia of some kind. it feels different.

so...this is how it feels like to lose someone dear.