dedicated to my puppy love

i wrote the following many decades ago, and today i dig it up to share with you.......

His eyes are dark brown, with a hint of mischievous glint twinkling in its depths. When he smiles, his charisma appeals to all ages of the opposite sex. He mixes boyish charm with gentlemanly demeanor.

I met him when I was just a young naive girl studying alone overseas. It was the trend then for parents who could afford it to send their children abroad for education. Perhaps the absence of a protective figure brought me even closer to him. He was unlike other boys of his age who were rowdy and annoying. He had a sensible and romantic approach to life that made him very different and attractive.

I first noticed him in the corridor of the school. It was very early in the morning; the sky was still that dark shade of gray. I was with my cousin when a boy walked past, smiled and made a gesture with his hands. I cannot remember what he meant that morning so long ago, but I will always remember how he looked so shy and how the twinkle in his eyes seemed to say so much. The attraction began then.

I learned later that he was my cousin’s classmate and he was keen to know me better. Me? The little girl who knew nothing about the ways of the world or the intricacies of relationships. His interest alone was very flattering. From there, our friendship blossomed. Things moved very fast. However, he was always the patient, loving and romantic boy I met the first day. He was the answer to every girl’s dreams.

His classes were in the morning and mine was in the afternoon. Although we did not have the opportunity to meet up every day, we communicated by letters that we enlisted the help of friends to transmit. Our puppy love grew and our understanding of each other slowly deepened. I remembered being afraid then that our friendship will not last -- that this puppy love would not lead to something more permanent. He spent days after days reassuring me of his feelings. His intention was so honorable that it touched my heart. Never would I have guessed that the feelings would have been etched so deep that I would still have such a vivid impression after all these years.

I discovered one day that a close friend of mine was also enamoured of him. I really could not blame her because I know how special he is. I considered dropping out of the relationship so that they will have the opportunity to begin. Maybe I was just giving excuses then to terminate the relationship. Why would I want to stop something so precious and sweet? It stems from my insecurities. Even months after we have started our beautiful relationship, I could not believe the fact that he would want someone so plain and simple as I. I was so afraid that it will not last and that pain will inevitably follow. However, he held fast to his feelings. He reassured me that no one else mattered in our relationship - all that counts is his feelings for me. It was the most touching prove of his affections. Again and again he proved his devotion, without faltering in his commitment to me and smoothed away all insecurities I had.

Out of the blue, as if to prove the universal theory that nothing lasts forever, things began to change. Not so much physically but in my mind. I became apprehensive of our relationship. I was still trying to understand and accept this relationship, which was all too new for me, but all our friends have already labeled us as a pair. For him, it was all part of life and he took it in stride.

I started to feel the tension of an entirely new kind of relationship that has been alien to me all this time. Was I going too fast? Am I doing something wrong? My parents, who were beginning to sense a difference in my life, placed pressure on me to concentrate on my studies. Even though I was performing satisfactorily academically, I felt guilty for keeping something behind their back.

Then one day, he asked me for a kiss! To me, an eleven year old guileless girl, this was something catastrophic! I wanted so much to show him my devotion but the idea of giving him a kiss and making the initiative was very scary. For him, it was merely a gesture of our affection, a simple touch of endearment. But it was in my mind all-day and even in my dreams. Should I do it? How do I even kiss? Do I just pout and peck him on the cheeks? Why don’t they teach practical things like this in Health Education class? I kept practicing on the back of my hand but it just felt more and more like a wet slobber.

I felt like I was getting a nervous breakdown from all these insecurities. In the end, I took the coward way out - I avoided him. That was when it fell apart. I couldn’t explain why I stopped something that was so precious to me. Maybe it was the fear that first love will not last, so I should stop before I become deeply involved. Or maybe I was afraid of committing myself to something so intensely serious. Thereafter, things became a blur to my memory. Maybe it is my brain’s way of dealing with the unhappy moments. He brought me so many happy and special memories that had I not known him, life would have been less meaningful.

For the next few years, I managed to keep in touch with him. I sought his advice whenever I felt depressed and confused. He was always the willing listener but I could sense a difference. I did not want to end up being an annoyance to him, so I tried to keep these calls to a minimum. I could not deny that these calls have always made me much happier. I have not kept the letters and other keepsakes that he has given me. I could not risk the chance that my mother would come across them when she came to visit. This has become one of the regrets in my life.

Over the years, we lost contact as he went overseas to further his studies. Once in a while, in my dreams, I see him again. Nobody can replace his position in my heart - as my first love. I appreciate that his memories of our times together may not be as sweet and tender as my recollection of the past. When I think of him, I only wish the best for him and hope that he is living happily now. I am happy just to keep the beautiful memories of a person who introduced me to the tenderness of a pure and simple love.

it happened so long ago that it felt kind of strange reading this again, almost like reading a third party's story. i never thought i could let him or the memories go then but looking back now, i realise i have unconsciously stopped thinking of him for a long time, perhaps because i've regarded the possibility of ever seeing him again as remote.

for all my birthdays then, i had wished to meet up with him again....just to see how he has been all these years. now that someone has suddenly given me his number, i feel so lost. the desire to meet up has been buried so deep down after all these years, under so many layers that i no longer acknowledge it, nor do i know whether it still exists still. then again, there is the curiousity to know how his life has went on from our last meeting.

how was your first puppy love? was it sweet and innocent like mine?