time to wake up

i can't sleep again last night. this time, what would you know, counting sheeps actually worked. i was distracted several times but after many many hours, i finally managed to concentrate on those wooly animals and they lead me to dreamland.

however, i still feel like shit this morning. i spent yesterday afternoon at my local coffee place. you know the nicest thing about blogging there? i guess it's a combination of several things.
first, of course, there is the endless supply of coffee. but if you are anything like me, the caffeine goes straight to your brain and your hands start to shake even after the first cup, this is not such a good thing. you start to stutter and your brain can't think straight.you end up with a high and talks incessantly. well, a little like what i am doing now.

well, there is also the eye candy. once in a while, some really cute guy walks past and you get to check out his behind (yes, girls do that, so be aware when you walk past us. suck up your tummy and push out those abs, man) it's the best medicine after staring too long at the flickering monitor. yes, that is a very good excuse for checking guys out...but since when do we need an excuse. then you start to wonder, what is this guy doing here in the middle of the day anyway. shouldn't he be in his office or at least doing far more important things that lounging around on a weekday afternoon? i shouldn't judge, i keep reminding myself. for i am also lounging around on a weekday afternoon.

then, there is also the stories that you get to hear. you pretend to be deeply engrossed in your work and you won't believe the juicy gossips that you can eavesdrop on. if you don't look up, they forget that you exist after a while. like now, there is this couple sitting not too far away from me and i can catch snippets of conversation, "what makes you jealous"....."no, no tell me"....."like the time you were...." damn! must get closer to hear more. too bad i can't understand japanese. i sure would like to know what the group of japanese ladies in the corner are laughing so loudly about.

yesterday's break was actually not as enjoyable. the only reason that i am blogging here and now is because i have been stood up by two guys! it is annoying. to be treated like you don't quite matter. more sad than annoying maybe. actually one of them is here. he's outside having a business conversation with another group of people. knowing how busy he can be,i didn't mind waiting my turn for his attention. but when he joined me almost an hour later, he asked what i was doing there. i knew then that he had forgotten our meeting.

the other guy turned up just as i was about to leave, two hours after the time we agreed to meet. don't you think he was the sweetest guy ever to turn up just so that he can see me leave? sigh! i don't want to ask for much because i know they are the world's busiest people but i really felt stupid seating there, waiting for........i don't even know what. why do i bother? they are the sweetest guys i know but for the two years (almost) that i have known them, i have always been the one that initiated our meetings...........maybe it's because of my lack of sleep today but i feel really tired. and i keep asking myself, why do i bother? we carried on like normal yesterday but i just can't erase the hurt i feel.

i don't know anymore. is this normal? is this the way life works? maybe to them it's a casual arrangement, and if you are there, you are. if you are not, there is always next week. suddenly, i feel like i'm imposing. maybe time has caused us to drift apart.....and i should just let go. maybe i'm making too big a deal out of the whole thing but i just can't forget how stupid i felt sitting there, trying to look busy.....waiting for...... what again? maybe a little text message to explain why they never turn up would have suffice....but it seems i am never accorded that simple consideration. i sometimes wonder if i matter to them at all. i spent a many happy hours just talking to them.....but maybe it's time to move on.