sometimes life isn't about what you can make of it or what you want it to be. there are things beyond your control...things that you can only take a deep breath and swallow.
i can't stand to be victimised. i'm not one of those poor little things that you will see on tv which will bear the brunt of everything, whilst not daring to let out even a single peep. i'm the type to shout when i'm beaten, the one who kicks back when i'm hit, who will fight back......but there are times when life doesn't accord you that luxury.
i find myself being forced into a position where i have to live a lie for someone else. telling a lie is something that goes against the very principle of my life. i can tell it as good as the next tom, dick and harry...but i want to be able to sleep at night, to have a heart that is as light as the lark. so, i choose not to. but i have been thrust into this situation. a situation i have no way out of. and i'm wilting inside this hell-hole.
a situation where i feel nervous when the other person fucks up.....because the stakes are too high. i've always believed 'to each his own'. everybody has different believes, different opinions, different taste, different needs, different priorities and different ways of doing things. there's no right and wrong and we shouldn't judge. still, for whatever you choose or whatever you do, it's your right...as long as you are prepared to live with your choices. now, i realise no man's an island. life's filled with contradicting theories. what if your choices hurt others? can you live with being happy at the expense of others' misery? i don't want to be feel guilty about other people's shit. isn't it enough that i have my own? everybody knows, don't complicate lfe.....but sometimes, that is out of your hand. other people complicate it for you.
it's no longer about my life and what i want to do with it. it's also about the people around me and what i can live with. i feel cornered and so helpless.
6 comments:
Pray......and the answers will come :-)
Your language, without doubt is undergoing some noticeable evolution.
big p: unfortunately, i'm not religious.
licky: haha, and i think u r referring to the fact i'm cussing a lot more. i'm tired. really tired. i don't know how much crap i can put up with. i have this really strong urge to break free....or to lose and give in to insanity. sigh! this is a nice haven for me to come in and say things i normally can't.
hey, came across ur blog thru one of my frens' blog and u sound vy depressing and agonising...i'm sure u've been thru lots of thick and thin and being well apprehended to the meaning of life than me...i'm just an everyday brat in late teenage which is so happened to struggle about life as well but oh well, I don't even hav the right to whine abt life haha. Anyways,love ur writings!
You do not have to be religious in order to pray. I, for one, am certainly not religious. But I believe there is a Higher Being, whatever that may be. Call it the Universe, if you might, and just ask for the answers that you want. Try it!
dear tristan: btw, love your name. nahhhh, i'm just more whiny than you, that's all. haha. you just happen to chance across my depressing blog, my secret haven where i come in to download all the crap. if you hop over to my other blog, you'll find things more cheerier there. *grins* i'm a regular dr jeckyl and mr hyde.
dear big p: sigh! i tried that many times years ago. never for once my prayers were answered. and agn when my friend fell ill...i've come to believe that the higher being works in mysterious ways...if you ask for something, he/she doesn't give it to you...but rather gives you the strength to overcome it. so...it all basically boils down to my own fight and strength.
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