for the love of it

blogging is tiring.

exposing yourself to people that you don't know. people who are ready to judge you on a few mere sentences. people who believe they know you like the back of their hand because of the stories that you have told. people whom you have no inkling about.

it's a fair game when other bloggers drop by and read your stories....you can stop by their blogs for a little chat too, get to know them a little more and exchange tales, develop a friendship that is superficial at worst. sometimes, that scale is not as balanced. people that you have never seen, never heard and most certainly never known acts presumptously, classifying you into categories based on only a single aspect of your life that they know.

i like meeting people....but it's frightening when strangers drop by and act like we have known each other for centuries. perhaps i'm old-fashioned. to me, friendships are those developed through time, through thick and thin and through good and bad. friendships are when both sides are giving. i don't know what i should or shouldn't write anymore. i don't know what i should say. i don't want this blog to be superficial...but i'm wary. this is how the real world turns an idealist into a cynic.

it's tiring when you have to defend your own thoughts, explain your actions. some doesn't listen, they just judge. i blog to balance my life...to leave the sadness behind. everybody who reads has their own interpretation, their own views, tempered by their own lifestyles, who they are. it's tiring to justify myself to others, especially when i'm already so low.



blogging used to be comforting. now it's treading on scary.

sometimes i wonder.....why do i still blog?

i know. because i still enjoy writing.

friends

the blogosphere is a strange place.

when the world is cold and unfriendly, when your friends are not many......you turn to the blogosphere. people from all races and places drop by, hanging on to every word that you say, faithfully tuning in day afer day to the crap that you write. when you are happy, they are there, cheering you as you go along. when you are down, they turn up in troves, with words so touching to support you on your journey.

as time goes, you believe. you think of them as your friends. they probably know more about you than any other friend you have.

then you realise. most of them haven't actually been listening. most of them don't really care. they read....but they don't listen. you disappear for a few days. they let you be. some turn up, looking for new updates. some move on. some don't even realise you are gone.

then the cold truth hits you....it's all a mirage. the love is not really there. you can't tell the difference from those that really care or those who wants some entertainment to pass the day. friends shouldn't be like that......

a friend will call me when i am down. a friend will call me when she doesn't hear from me. a friend will know what's best for me and pull me out for some company even when she knows i don't want to see anybody. a friend will try to make me laugh when she knows i am down. a friend can feel it when i am down. a friend will scold me when i need scolding. a friend will not leave me alone.

that's just life

i'm tired. so tired. tired of fighting all those battles. tired of engaging in yet another war. but that is life, isn't it? after one hurdle, we get another, to test our will and strength.

the strength of a person is measured by how fast they stand back up after they fall......i, for one, fail desperately. for years after i received that middle of the night phonecall informing me of my grandfather's death, i freeze whenever the phone rings again late at night. that was my first experience with death. looking back at all the times i fell, i never seemed to have learnt how to let go....even after so long. perhaps it's part of life. perhaps that is what makes us who we are.

when i was young, my primary concern centered around myself. what should i do? what should i eat? as i grow older, my world expanded. to those around me; first my boyfriend, who later became my husband. just me and him, in our little world. loving and caring for him was easy, albeit it took a period of adjusting. it was no longer what i wanted, but what we both can do together. accomodating just one other individual in the plans and my thoughts was easy. then came the babies......life is no longer for yourself. every minute of every day, you have given up your thoughts, your time, your soul to caring and providing for them. they will not grow up fast enough....yet they seem to grow up too fast. motherhood is full of ironies.

as you age, and perhaps this is the worst part, the people around you age as well. people whom you never have to worry about, suddenly have to take center stage. you fight their battles for them. you hold them when they need comfort. this is the cycle of life. they were there when you need them, now it's your turn.

i don't know how other people do it, how they stand back up after each fall. it's not so much physical exhaustion, as much as mental. you think life is tough now....it gets worse. it's almost like there is someone with a twisted sense of humour up there.

but perhaps that's just life.

my secret cove

leisurely...i took a stroll, with my heart so heavy and my mood so down. i walked here and there, not knowing what i am looking for. i looked aimlessly at people drifting by. i look around to see where my wandering footsteps have brought me...to this place that looked at once empty yet familiar. tired, i sat down for a little while. it felt like home. i took off my load and let my guard down...just for a little while. a little place to be me, a little place to hide.......my secret cove.

i never thought i will revive this blog. if felt wrong to be writing personal feelings in the other one, almost as if i am burdening others with the loads in my soul. i know some of my readers are uncomfortable with my personal posts, glaring from the obvious lack of comments in the 'heavier' ones. some people do not want to know, frankly do not even care; deep emotions make them uncomfortable. which is fine actually. to each their own, i always say.

i have not been able to write about my personal feelings for some time. perhaps it is because of the closeness with my readers. perhaps it is the increasing transparency...

i need a place to be able to voice my feelings, to let it out and leave it there. i need a place to balance the outwardly smile and joyfulness i portray, a place to be melancholy and dark without hurting anyone. this place is ideal because it is deserted and forsaken. it is a place where few visits and no one listens.

this place doesn't shout for visitors. bloggers, that have now become friends, are not obliged to feel that they must come. in turn, i do not feel that i have to smile...except perhaps when my heart smiles.