be happy

whenever i look back, things always seem to be better. memories happier, life less complicated, even my mood cheerier. this can't be true. if so, i must be falling into a turbulent pool of declining self-worth. it must be my mind playing tricks on me, just like how grass is always greener on the other side.

happiness is not as easy as it seems. when you were a child, all you need is very little. very little to make you smile, very little to make you contented. when have we made ourselves so complicated? why have we made ourselves so complicated? i was told that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. why then is my face not forever lighted up and that silly grin a permanent feature? god knows i don't have much to be sad about.

i want to be happy. hell, it's one of my resolutions for this year and next. however, i find that i need to make a conscious effort and a whole lot of determination to be happy. i have to wear that reminder like a tatoo on my forehead.

perhaps i have it all wrong. happiness is not laughter, silly grins, jokes and feeling all light and bubbly. that's drunk! maybe happiness is this feeling of peacefulness and confidence that i am experiencing. a deep insight into things surrounding that little will shake my world....

i don't think i'm ready for happiness. to truly know happiness, you must have experienced sadness.

i like where i am.

still, it will be a nice reminder to include 'be happy' in one of my resolutions.....or perhaps 'be drunk' whilst sober is the phrase i am looking for.

resolutions

today is the last weekday in the year 2006 and most probably my last post for this year.

the end of another year. i guess there are two ways to look at it; depending on whether you are a pessimist or an optimist. we can always look forward to the things the new year promises, or look back on that lost which we have been unable to grasp hold off. i would love to say that i fit into the shoes of someone who looks on the bright side but my heart string tugs at memories past. i guess i will always be someone who will turn and look back once in a while in my footsteps forward.

for the first time ever in my life, i started a list of resolutions at the start of this year. the point of it? maybe to see how much i have achieved in what i set out for myself. those goals aren't impossible to achieve...yet, looking back on the list, i find myself only achieving 1.5 of the 6. darn pitiful, don't you think?

i reflect and it amazes me how much different my sentiments were then and now. simple as they were, i find myself stubbornly reluctant to complete some of the tasks i have set out for myself. all because my heart is no longer in it.

readers must be scratching their head, wondering what my resolutions were. that is not the point. although they are not secrets that cannot be revealed to the light of day, i do not see the point of listing them out, especially when i have failed so drastically.

i shall set out a new list of resolutions here for myself for the new year.

let me ponder on this for a few days; to see what i want for myself for the year 2007.

childish

let me start by saying i have a very annoying nephew. one with attitude. one who is spoilt to the max. i harbour a secret desire to trash his not-so-little bottom, and i would if i won't get in trouble with the rest of the family.

that little menace had the galls to ask for a $300+ christmas present from this aunty, which isn't necessary a bad thing if he has been a little angel all year round and rarely gets any goodies from his near and dear. on the contrary, of course. $300! hello? i can feed a lot of people with that, you know? families from the flood-troubled johor will be grateful for that kind of donation. whatever happened to a nice book or a new set of stationeries to start the new academic year? he obviously does not understand the value of money. *shaking head* however, this aunty does not want to look like el cheapo by not getting his desire from the nearest toys 'r' us. plus, it does seem pretty unfair that his sisters have already received their presents before christmas and his is still 'in progress'.

i received a phone call from him this morning, bright and early, even before half of you are seated behind your desk. wow! he misses me that much.....not! i never found out the real reason he called me as i decided to come clean before he got his hopes up high. he has just returned from his holiday and after his greeting, i informed him that i have not been able to get his present as toys 'r' us has run out of the stock during the christmas madness. this is where it pisses me off...and hence my ranting in this post. the little boy took on the most dramatic reaction and started sighing and whining. it started with a very annoying "WHA???!!!". oh yes, visions of me wringing his neck came vividly into my mind and my hands itched so badly. i told him that i'll bring him to choose another present soon but he went on and on about how he could have got it in japan during his holidays, if i had told him earlier. sighhhhh! god, please give me patience. i pushed back the blame on him and told him that he could have called me to ascertain that i have not already bought it for him. (this was sparked off because during his last birthday, he asked me to buy an original psp game for him and he later went off and asked his father to get the very same game). he replied very impatiently that japan is too far to make a phone call. god knows how many phone calls i have already received from them! then he hung up! he hung up on me!!!

which brings me here to release my pent-up frustration. he didn't give me the satisfaction of screaming down the phone at him or releasing my childish side by repeating 'i can't hear you, i can't hear you'. he didn't give me the joy of hanging up on him first. maybe i should get him a stink bomb and wrap it up as a beautiful present.

suddenly, i'm reduced to a whining, frustrated childish aunty. sighhhhh!

is he the child or am i?

this wasn't even what my post today was supposed to be about.

just another day

'twas the day after boxing day when nothing seems to be going right and little ms. me is feeling lethargic and lazy after a rather busy morning, with cries of 'mummy, mummy' going right, left and center all day. my ears are ringing from their pleas for attention and i can still hear their echo even after they have stopped calling. it is a blessing that school holiday is coming to an end soon for i have temporary shrink-wrapped my brain and sent it for storage as i have not been able to exercise it at all during this short restless period.

everything else is quiet all around; the roads are empty of cars and all living things seem to be on holiday. my internet connection is going to the extreme in controlling my access and i'm left with a handful of sites to visit. forget porn, i can't even log into yahoo.

the little master is insistent on not applying sunblock before he goes down to the playground. i am equally insistent that he applies it or he stays at home. now i have a sulking little boy on my hand whilst the reasonable and co-operative sister goes down to the playground. i can hear the faint sound of sniffling coming from somewhere inside his room. sigh! breathe ..... breathe. perhaps one of my resolution for the new year should be to have more patience with a stubborn, opinionated, lazy and mischievious boy. oh oh, i can feel him staring at me with dagger looks.

sometimes, i need some breathing space. as much as i prefer their company to manipulative and phony adults, i sometimes yearn for some time of my own. to think, to chat with friends and to have some fun. the thing with children is that they take up so much of your time and attention. then again, as most people will tell you, they will only do that for a short number of years. sigh! by which time, you'll start wishing that they don't stop clinging to you. the irony of motherhood.

looks like i better go off and do something about those sniffling, before it turns into a major flood.

merry christmas to all

reminder to self: pleaseeeee write your post for the day before you surf other bloggers' site. each time i log into the net, filled with witty things to write about and smart quips, i leave a little empty after visiting other blogs. it's strange. it's almost like i leave a little of myself in each blog until i return to my own with nothing; my thoughts all muddled, my feelings burried. i forget what it is i wanted to write. sigh!

a merry christmas to all!

i am so humbled by the fact that some of you actually took the trouble to come in here and leave a greeting for me, considering also that i did a m.i.a. (though not on purpose) for a couple of days. i thank you with all my heart, especially those that made a special appearance just for the purpose. i am most happy that i was in your thoughts on this warm festivity.

it has been hectic, to say the least, right up until the very last day. hence, my 'disappearance'. perhaps the absence did me good. blogging has become a very tedious task to me, as i try to satisfy my readers with regular posts. it is not so much the writing, which i still love with a passion, but more of the time and place suited for it. as wise people say; there is a time and place for everything. lately, i have been writing my posts in a hurry and i do not feel that it properly reflects my soul. the words are not mine, merely outpour of a harrassed and tired mind.

as i lay quietly with myself during my absence, i daydream of sitting in the middle of the quiet night, fingers rapidly clicking on the keyboard as i become one with my thoughts. i imagine myself to be a regular columnist with a popular newspaper, furnishing the dailies with short witty tales. it will never be part of my destiny, so i am grateful that at least here in this blogosphere i can live my dream, if only for a little while.

this year has been the most chrismassy christmas in all my life. is it the best? i don't know, it just feels like the most festive celebration of the occasion.



the kids became santa helpers for a couple of days, learning to earn their keep as they go about frolicking in the christmas spirit. i witnessed with my own eyes the launching of the mall's christmas celebration. it was like a call beckoning me to begin my own jubilation.


the first christmas party i attended this year. there were presents, fine wine, laughters and good time galore. everybody went home with a smile in their heart and a memory to add to their chest. during this festive period, almost everyday in the calendar was marked by an unforgettable event. it was truly a celebration to the very last.



the final leg of my christmas celebration.

i return to my place behind the desk with a satiated tummy, a tired body and a contented soul...and a little virus running havoc in my throat as souvenier.

listening with your ears

over the weekend, i borrowed some friends.

as a result of having spent my childhood years divided between two countries, my friends are now all over the world, separated by distance and time. for those truly fated to remain in my life, i have been able to keep in contact with them or recently locate over the internet. the rest have disappeared, carried away by the wind of change.

i envy people with groups of friends, mostly because i have none myself. especially those that have witnessed your growing up and have been through thick and thin with you. do you have someone in your life that will like you no matter what you say or do? someone that will be your friend no matter how you persistently arrive late for meetings or forget their birthdays? someone who wouldn't be offended by your often frank remarks and honest opinions? someone who lets you be who you are?

i digress.

last sunday i attended a christmas party, cum birthdays party. yes, birthdays. in the plural sense. although i do not know most of the partygoers, it was still nice to be a witness to the group of friends jollying in the festive mood. is there such a word: 'jollying'? there must be. how else would you describe what it is that santa claus does. we sang christmas carols, made small talks and enjoyed the good food. this year seems more like christmas then any other year.

of late, i have been under the impression that i am a lousy communicator. sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings do not come easy to me. however, i recenty realise that it's not me. it is they who are lousy listeners. damn lousy too.

who in the right mind will want to share with someone whose glance keeps sneaking to the doorway, as if expecting mr handsome prince to walk through the door any minute? it really is a pain in the behind, you know, as if i am somehow blind and cannot see the frequent darting of the eyes. if you want to be somewhere else, i will be happy not to keep you.

then there was that lady who greeted me and then stood right there, texting something on her handphone, while i stood in limbo, waiting for her to continue. i was seriously debating whether i should continue walking off!

some have the supernatural powers of retaining the words i say without even using his conscious mind. there will be a delay gap of thirty seconds before the words actually enter into his brain, much like live radio, and he acknowledges them. his reply will return when your mind is already on something else. it is quite an amazing ability, to retain information without actually processing it. then again, i believe this skill is limited only to the male sex. other times, the words are lost somewhere between the distance from my mouth and his ears.

there are those who answer to your whining and ranting with a nonchalant casual reply. hello? i'm being very agitated here and you tell me 'it's like that'? not exactly conducive response to more confidence, friend. there should be a short course on the proper way to a good conversation; the correct place to insert a few 'yes', 'poor thing', 'i know what you mean' and the 'i'm listening intently' look. how all these people will benefit!

so, i tell you, it's not me, it's them. they need to have a good pair of functional listening ears. listening is a lost virtue.

the dinner

i went for the dinner last night.

as i have imagined, it was a hoot and i had a wonderful time. i always have a good time in their company, maybe because we are of the same wavelength and are as crazy. we laughed ourselves silly, cracking jokes the whole night and gossiping about neighbouring tables. the hostess was extremely late, but we didn't wait for her to begin our lunacy.

after a good night sleep, my brain is a little less warped. just a little less, mind you. i finally understand why i was reluctant to go, despite the fact that i knew i would have a pleasant time. i was a little resentful of her demand on my time, especially when she knew that i would have my hands full with my in-laws here. i had to reject her once previously because of the same reason, and i guess i was mildly put off by the fact that she did not take the hint. what a selfish heart i possess. a kind invitation to a fun night but i was irritated that she took a portion of my limited time with my in-laws.

sigh! seeing the happiness in her eyes and the difference our presence made in her night was enough to remind me not to be so selfish again. often times, we forget about other's feelings and concentrate only on our own; our own inconvenience, our own displeasure. it's so appropriate that i was reminded of this lesson, on this season of giving.

we winded up fairly early as the group adjourned to karaoke and i made my way home. by this time, on normal nights, i would have been rolling half-asleep on the sofa. last night, as i drove home and enjoyed the cool night air and the empty roads, a black honda driving at break-neck speed suddenly pulled up and cruised beside me. i was dumb-founded. what did this guy want? go on, speed away. for a few seconds, there was just me and this car next to me, cruising down the road. i was concentrating hard on the road, but after what seemed like forever, and that stupid car did not continue speeding away, i turned to look at the driver, with a mixture of irritation and curiousity. i can't remember how he looks like, i'm sure he will be disappointed to hear me say. i can't recall if he is fat or thin, with mustache or glasses. it should have made a more prominent mark on my memory, seeing that it doesn't happen too often. however, my mind was foggy and i was a little blur, to put it nicely. with that split second turn of my head, i focused back my attention on the roads and ignored him, a little miffed.

several seconds later, he drove on. my mind half-asleep, i didn't even understand what happened just then. what was wrong with that guy? why did he slowed to a crawl beside me? what did he want? not until he drove on and stuck his hand out of the window and waved goodbye did i realise that the stupid fella was trying to check me out. *rolls eye*

i must be really out of touch. i didn't realise that guys check girls out on the road. idiot. hello? roads are for driving. sheesh! if i could say anything to him, i would tell him to be careful who he picks up on the roads, late in the night. i'm not talking about creatures of another dimension. rather, in the dark of the night, all women look beautiful. lighted by the romantic moon, all women look sexy.

which brings me to an advice i have heard somewhere - a word of caution to all men. be careful of the women you pick up at night. in the morning, when the false eyelashes are removed, the make-up smudged, the push-up bra and supporting underwear removed and the wig taken off, you may get the fright of your life!

konking out

too many obligations, too many promises, too many year-end catching up to do. what should be a joyous time of the year, meeting up with new friends and old and celebrating the festive occasion is taking quite a toll on me this year, and i haven't even begun to do any of the above! i have so many things marked down in my calendar that i have a hard time keeping up with it.

infact, some were confused over my actual point in the previous post. i must admit, i am not quite sure i am able to clarify either. i just felt something sitting in the bottom of my heart and wanted to pour it all out. at this point in time, my brain is too tired to even function, much less make deeper analysis into what i was ranting about. sorry guys, to bog you down over something that even i do not know what i was talking about. let's move on.

i love christmas, especially this year's. i'll be able to meet up with many different groups of friends, all before this year will be up. it sounds very hectic and believe me, it will be, but for some reason, i'm feeling strangely tired even before any of it begin. i think i'm coming down with something. maybe too many restless nights.

i just need to hold on a little bit longer. pop some vitamin c to keep me going.

i'm tired....and there is still so much to do.

a simple dinner party

i was recently invited to a dinner party. the body is willing but the heart is weak. usually it will be the other way round but this time i find myself not really looking forward to it. infact, dreading it may be the word for it.

not that it wouldn't be fun. nor the company unpleasant. infact, i bet it will be a barrel of laughs and i will have a good time too. i have yet to solve the mystery for my uncooperative temperament.

i have been mulling it over and wondering if i have any feasible excuse for not attending. normally, a 'my in-laws are here' or 'i've got something on that night' would have been enough. however, this time i feel exceedingly guilty and my conscience won't allow me to say it.

the moment i received her text about the dinner party, i guessed that it was a invitation to celebrate her birthday as the date was too close to be coincidental. it is also because of this reason that i find myself unable to turn her down.

most of us will feel comfortable enough in our own company to be able to keep the celebration of our birthday on a low tune. the mere presence of our loved ones around us during that day would have suffice. a few lunch invitations from close friends will top the icing on the cake but if none surfaced, we will be happy enough to be by ourselves. all that because we do not feel the racking feeling of loneliness, day in and day out.

i don't know. maybe i am reading this wrong but to have to extend an invitation for dinner on your birthday sounds like a cry in the dark to me, a plea against spending it all alone that evening. i have never had to ask others to celebrate it for me and i guess in that way i am lucky. for that reason, my heart bleeds for her. for her desperate cry against loneliness or her apparent inability to enjoy her own company, i don't know. it doesn't matter. as i said, i could be reading this wrong. maybe because i am so aware of the stories in her past that i have misinterpreted her emotions.

anyway, i feel obliged to go. to be there with her when she needs me, consciously or unconsciously. it's better to read too much into this, be paranoid and to travel down the safe path, than to disregard it and forever regret the effects my callousness will cause.

our deadliest enemy

it's nearly halfway through the final month of 2006 and i have not even had the chance to blink my eye. i haven't even adjusted to calling this month december and it's already half over. whatever happened to my list of things to do for this year? how about my new year resolutions? for that matter, what were they again?

these last few months have been absolutely crazy. i can hardly find the time to blog. events come and pass; all dutily recorded in the camera but did not manage to find their way into the blog. as time lag, the enthusiasm to post about it also pass. moments to sit down and reflect on my thoughts were few and far between. i have a few words i wanted to leave here.....but the moment was inopportune and so i let it pass.

i was reflecting on how time seem to pass even quicker as one age. anyone who has reach 35 will understand the sentiment and echo my feelings. last night the reason suddenly came to me.

it's because as we age, our interests grow. when we were young, all we wanted to do was to play...play...and play. the occasional yummilicious ice-cream here, some sweets there and as much tv watching as the adults will allow. that was all. all we cared about and all we wanted. hence, there seems to be so much time. after mickey clubhouse, what time was it again? 3.30pm. after the smurfs? 4.00pm? some rope skipping.....only 4.10pm?

now, as we grow, we want to do everything. see everything, eat everything, try everything and go everywhere. even our friends have increased manifolds, categorised by the different phases of our lives. there will never be enough time to do everything *looking crestfallen*.

can we slow down time by keeping our life simple then? cut down all our interests and activites and our group of friends? we imprison ourselves at home till the faint smell of rotting whiffs past our nose; then we will know that it is us who are starting to decompose. we look at the clock, and it was but two minutes after we last checked. we sit around with nothing to do but stare vacantly into air. time will crawl by.

what will be the point of that then?

nobody's in

*knocking on the head*

knock, knock.

sorry, there is nobody in today.....or any other day.

what is wrong with me?

he shuts the drawer and i jump up, wide awake. his joints cracked when he enters the room and i startle from my sleep. do you think i need ear muffs when i hit snooze city? perhaps invest in a good pair of ear plugs created specially for F1 races?

somebody drug me, pleaseeeeee!

i want my sleep. i need my sleep. once i am awake, however, i can't go back to sleep. i'm peering at the computer screen with bleary eyes and a splitting headache. i have forgotten what it is that i wanted to talk about today. my brain has taken an extended vacation for the festive season. i have a thousand things that i need to do, but no energy or willpower to get my butt of the chair to do it.

maybe i need a cup of coffee?

or shopping therapy?

i will be right back when i locate my brain.

a purpose

i am a lady with a purpose.

do you see the glint in my eye?

today, i have found a new objective; a goal, if you must. i have a purpose in life. ta dah!

from now on, every morning that i wake up, i have something to look forward to. something that makes me want to jump out of bed, something that makes my heart skip a beat. do you have that in your life?

let me relate the story of this life-changing chapter of my life: it was all accidental, you understand, the discovery of my mission. my nieces and nephew were having their friends over for the holiday and i was sent to my mum’s storage room to locate the plastic cups for the purpose. if i had known it was going to be an adventure trek, i would have brought along my oil lamp, map and survival bag.

as it was, i was ill-equipped for the mission into…..THE STORAGE, the boundaries of the unknown. boxes were piled high, filled with the mysterious. creepy crawlies that you have never seen before have made this place their home. scientists will be awe at the discovery of new species but people have been known to go in and never come out.....alive! you scrap away at the thick layer of dust and slime and all you will get are more dust and slime. there is only one sole motto here; if you want it, you will never be able to find it. little invisible elves work in this place to make sure of that and hide everything that you may possibly be looking for, all in the blink of an eye. wha??? i thought it was there a moment ago; that's what people always say.

i am determined to re-organise her store. my compulsive deranged virgo-an hands are itchy to alphabetize and categorise her stuffs. i’m practically rubbing my hands with glee and dreaming of the master plan to put everything in its proper place. ahhhhhh! the ultimate heaven; our new motto shall be – everything right at our finger tips, when and where we want it!

the next question is…..how do I get her out of the house?

my scheming mind is turning already.

the saint - roger me

i couldn't resist (for those who are lost, read jonzz's comment in the last post)

an honour or an insult?

words fail to describe my present emotional high at this moment. i am elated, to say the very least. i feel i want to share it here with my fellow bloggers, and let everybody be witness to this joyous and momentous occasion.

i have never in a million years expected this to befall me and i am shocked that i have been given such an honour. *sob*. truth (see ian, i can spell this word correctly now) be told, i have never won any medal or trophy during my schooling years. needless to say, if i didn't win one then, i am definitely not expecting to win one now, especially taking into account my present....ahem! fitness condition.

thus, it came as a total surprise to me to be informed that i have been declared a winner, deserving of a beautiful trophy no less.

sengkor has declared me the champion of some ad-hoc contest that he has held and which, of course, i have no idea i had even participated. this piece of metal is sure beautiful.....what is the words inscribed on it?....wait, let me put on my specs....wha???!?!! the most cruel blogger award?!?!?!? moi? cruel?

he must be kidding! since when have you heard of laughing be labeled as an act of cruelty? is it not a reflex action of the amused? how can exhibiting my artistic talents be considered cruel? was van gogh ever called cruel? ahhhhhhhh! such abuse of the beauty of art. such ignorance. such insult.

sigh! i don't know whether i should hold this trophy up high with pride or stash it in the nearest bin.

however, if someone was to hand me a 20 cents coin, i'm sure i can live up to the name and honour. hmmmmm....this trophy is made of metal...maybe i can put it to good use. anybody spotted sengkor's car recently? *wicked laughter ringing in the air*

note to sengkor: pssst, see the photo above? i have a photo of your car (well, probably one of the three in the background. high likelihood that it is the one with your bag on it) *raise eyebrow* be afraid. be very afraid. kakakakaka.

don't make it my business

this post is sexually explicit and is not suitable for minors below 18 years of age. if you are a minor, please read with guidance from adults (that goes for you too, ian). LOL.

his wife called me to find out the whereabouts of her husband.

do i look like a husband-locator device? or a private dick? (as in private detective, okaaayyy?) *rolls eye*

i used to be nonchalant about men having action on the go, whilst having the marital ring around his finger, physical or otherwise. well, it was never my business, why did i care? if he wants to dip his stick in another's pot, and his wife tolerates that, who am i to add any comment?

recently however, i seem to have lost my tolerance for this category of husbands, which is on the rise. they seem to be responsible for a whole range of spousal medical problems, ranging from delirium, transformation into shrewness, delusions, hallucinations, suspicions and all in all, mental breakdown. they turn a perfectly good woman into a demented, frightened, delusional tigress. which is all fine still if it's none of my business, but once it trespasses on my peace of mind, it makes me agitated.

i hate husbands who give their wives reasons for such suspicions, or rather, i look down on them. i lose my respect for them. i try to live my life by not judging other people, try being the key word here. i believe that everybody has their own reasons for doing something and we will never understand unless we have walked a mile in their shoes. however, in the pursuit of your own happiness, if you trample on another being's self-respect and dignity, it just doesn't quite jive. if you don't love her anymore or if you are hungering over another piece of meat, let her go.

i know that there is fallacy in my sense of reasoning but it just seems like mental abuse to me. i don't know, maybe i have never been the type to sit, cross my hands and just whine. i have to be pro-active in the things i want or like. i can't wait for it to come to me. so, it frustrates me to see someone be subjected to a situation where they seem powerless and are constantly hounded by it. for me, the answer will be simple; give that jerk the boot! then again, things are never that easy.

men argue that they are not meant to be monogamous. fine really, so stick with your wild crowd of orgies. don't marry a decent woman and hurt her after she has given you a few good years. human beings have sexual longings, it's the natural order of life to ensure procreation. when you are only answerable to yourself, go hump away all night and day. no one cares. however, when you have promised to love only that one (and who asked you to be stupid enough to say 'i do' that faithful day?!), then you should at least have the decency to refrain yourself from your instincts, even if it means putting your little dicky bird under locks and chains or having cold shower every night and day.

and another thing; an orgasm is an orgasm, is it not? with this woman or with another woman. is there such a thing as orgasm with a rating of 1 to 10? i don't know, i'm not experienced enough to tell from a man's point of view. so, if an orgasm is an orgasm, why should it matter if you have it with your spouse or that cute sexy chick walking down the road? she gets you hot and fired up? rush home and look for the one waiting for you at home.

ok, as i've said, i know my naive point of view has many shortfalls and i'm ready for your onslaught of attacking comments. *shrugs* just my point of view, if you may.

then again, it's none of my business, why do i care?

windows

there are some people who will look at teary red swollen eyes and ask, "err...have you been cutting onions or something?". then, there are those that will sit down, take one glance at the missing glitter in your eyes and exclaim, "whatever is bothering you?".

such perceptiveness is rare, scary even. it should be refreshing to have another person understand your emotions so well, perhaps better than yourself. however, in this cold harsh world, we are so used to hiding everything within our inner core, where access is only by invitation and a key. to have someone be able to see through the windows of your soul, merely by looking into your eyes, is unnerving to say the least.

i have never believed in the phrase 'our eyes are the windows to our soul'. my eyes do not tell tales of the past. when you stare deep inside, all you will see is a dark black (or is it dark brown?) pool of ...retina? you may even be able to see your own reflection but definitely no stories. peeling off my layers like an onion with one look, i don't want.

i'm going to have to close my eyes now.

am i a mushroom or what?

do i look like a mushroom?

i wish people will stop feeding me freaking bullshit!

it is most frustrating - to look someone in the eye and pretend to accept what they say at face value, whilst deep down you know that it is nothing but crap. you have to mute your conscience and fix a gullible stare in your eyes. all the while, you only want to shout and scream at them for being so stupid, so careless.

i don't know how long i can keep up this facade of naivety. my job scope entails that i know a lot about other people's skeletons in their closet and my usually blur look misleads people into believing so. i do not profess otherwise either.

i am often a good listener...and so people like to tell me things. things which, upon comparison, conflict with other people's version of the story.

sigh! from these various routes comes my knowledge of the thruth. it is how i know they are lying straight to my face. still, i stand there and listen, while they feed me heaps after heapful of bullshit. i sometimes wonder why is it that it is i who cannot look at them in the eye, when it should be the other way around. perhaps it is the fact that i know the thruth and i am purposely (?) misleading them with my silence and because of that, i am also guilty of lying.

i hate lies. lies with good intention and lies of all sorts. i react to a person based on what i know, what i see, what i hear and what i believe. if you say bad things about me, i will be angry. if you are nice to me, i will be happy. it should be a simple equation. imagine if all that is just a farce. what you see is not what you get, what you hear is not the thruth, how then do you react? if everything is not what it seems, how can you form a genuine reaction? even with all good intention, a lie is a lie. if i ask 'am i fat?' and you reply 'no', i may be tempted to wear that short mini-skirt or eat another piece of cake. all the while though, your mind is comparing me to the elephant you saw in the national geographic channel. isn't that betrayal of some sort? perhaps some women like to hear beautiful lies. as i always say, i don't mind hearing lies but never ever let me even have an inkling of the thruth. as it is, the thruth is hard to keep away and so, i rather hear the cold hard thruth.

many readers don't like it when i am serious like this. however, i thought i should at least be true to myself. if this is how i am feeling, this is what i will be writing. nobody will be forever happy, the vice versa also rings true. if i am agitated, you will probably read a rambling post like this. the good thing is .....i feel much better after leaving it all here.

*grins* bear with me.

heart strings

have you ever had the feeling where your heart really looks forward to an event, yet at the same time you fear it’s arrival? the feeling of anticipation coupled with anxiety, it’s quite the paradox. it simply tears you apart; one side of you yearns to greet it, whilst the other turns the event round and round in your head, analyzing it into tiny molecules.

things are never simple. nor easy. whilst i cannot wait to see her again, my heart is heavy with dread. perhaps i fear what i will see or perhaps i fear the death of my hopes. it should be so straight-forward but maybe i am just a complicated person.

all this may sound senseless to a reading bystander; consider it as ramblings of a person who needs to be at peace. i have forgotten how pain in the heart can be so physically hurting and how the mere act of shopping for her daughter can dig up so much painful memories. memories that was once shared by her and me.

when something goes wrong and you have no way of changing it, your mind blocks out its presence. you pretend it never happened. that is the only way of coping, the only way of continuing. somehow, sometime, however you will be brought back to reality. you will then have to learn the way to cope momentarily with all the sadness..until you can once again shove it back into the closet and close your eyes and mind to the memories.

is this the way to live? is this the way to cope? i don't know, i don't have all the answers. i just do it the way i know how.

it's up!

these pictures are in response to annie's request for a picture post.

my christmas tree is up! it takes so much hassle to put it up every year, so i thought i'll put it up earlier this time so that i can enjoy looking at it longer before i have to tear it down again.


at the moment, the bottom of the tree looks quite bare. presents for me, anyone?



christmas carols, big dinners, drunk santas, leery party-makers, long list of presents to buy....sigh! it's what the season is all about.


the two little ones are going to be santa helpers at a nearby shopping centre this year and they seem to be pretty excited about it.

it's so hot and sunny here that many people don't feel it's christmassy....but i think christmas is in the heart.

a piece of my thoughts

beware! those that have been diagnosed by doctors as having short attention span, please jump to another blogsite NOW! there is no turning back beyond this point! for those with weak hearts and high blood pressure, this post may cause dizziness and palpitations. i hold no liability for any medical conditions caused by reading this entry.

i've been fairly quiet recently, i know. i haven't even had time to make my usual rounds to other blogger's site. *gasp!* thousand apologies! i just haven't been in the right mood to write recently, or to boot up the computer for that matter. i just can't seem to find a minute to sit down quietly and pen my thoughts, what with school holiday, spring cleaning and a thousand other chores on hand.

the in-laws are coming! *double gasp!* plus, they will be staying for one month this time round! *triple gasp!* while they are the best in-laws anybody can wish for, i have never had the opportunity to stay with them under one roof for more than 14 days during my entire 11 years of marriage. whilst it is fairly easy to play the part of an obedient, sub-servient, sweet daughter-in-law for short periods of time, it's going to be a challenge for me to be on my best behaviour for an extended period.

"no problem lah!", says the man who smacks his buttocks and leave for work every morning, leaving everything in my hands until he returns at the end of the day. sigh! i do adore having his parents around, but it's undeniably still a challenge for me to keep two elderly people and two whiny demanding kids entertained. it is after all school holiday and the kids have a mountainful of activites all lined up for them. i can't very well leave my in-laws locked at home, staring at each other for hours and go gallivanting, or so it will seem to their eyes, with the kids. before the end of the week, they will start holding picket signs objecting to the mental abuse. nevermind, i will jump that hurdle when i come across it.

annie may find the next paragraph a little bewildering, what with our foreign cultures and all but bear with me. it's nearly the end of the year and many fortune tellers have come out with their horoscope for next year. i must admit that i am not a total disbeliever but my usual absent-mindedness stops me from latching any serious implications to it. it goes in one ear and out the next, as with all things that are repeated to me. i have been told that next year, the year of the boar, is not such a good one for me. i take all that with a pinch of salt, although i will still visit the temple to do the annual rituals, which i do every year anyway, come good or bad. perhaps what is more troubling is the forecast for those born under the year of the dragons; my mother. sigh! it's time like this that i become aware of how i can't shield my loved ones from potential harm, no matter how much i will like to. i will prefer all the bad forecasts to be directed to the boars which perhaps are not entirely fair to the other boars. all types of ugly scenarios flash through this over-active virgo's imagination and i must constantly remind myself not to panic. breathe, breathe. sheesh! what a drama-queen. seriously though, i worry but i act nonchalant so as not to frighten my mother further. this year has already been the worst of my life and i hope that this year will still hold that record when i look back at the end of next year. i don't think i'm ready for more grown up responsibilities yet. i don't quite know how to deal with the heartache yet.