to the mr hyde in me

the last one

2008-02-21T12:05:00.000+08:00

i declare this blog officially closed. ta dah!!

the story within the egg shell

2007-09-10T10:22:00.000+08:00

another rant? this place is after all the one where i come in to shout, to scream, to hide and to download, so humour me.

they forgot. after 36 years of existence, countless friends, numerous relatives and a handful of precious ones, they forgot. my chinese birthay. oh, it's very easy to remember the other one, with the flip of the table-top calendar and a scribble of the pen, it takes but mere effort to remember one's english birthday. to even fail that miniscule effort is pathetic to say the very least. yet, that's okay by my books because you label your friends by that very action, or lack of action. those who can hardly be bothered about wishing me a simple greeting definitely will not have more concern about my well-being on other days. i do not grieve about the lack of love from people i don't love.

the chinese birthday, on the other hand, requires a little more work, but still no rocket-scientist task, which is usually only expected from very close relations. it is more than a little depressing to realise that after 36 years of existence, nobody has bothered to make that little effort. which perhaps goes to show your weight in their life.

a husband of 12 years. a partner of a span so long i've since lost count. when you come to the realisation that even someone like him has never bothered to note down a date that is so much a part of you, it's very hard to ignore the ache that vibrates from the very core. with all his talk of love and actions, in all the 17 years.....it never come across him to take a few seconds to pen down a fact that will probably be erased the moment my mother passed on. taking for granted that someone will always be around to shoulder his responsibility of loving me. a detachment from the very things that mean so much to me. how do you go on and pretend that it is alright?

a brother since i have taken my very first breath in this world. a sister-in-law that has become a part of us. little nieces and nephew that i have spent countless hours lavishing love and entertained. a little boy and a little girl who cries 'mummy' and spoke of a love so great. a mother-in-law that i once thought loved me more than my own family did. all of them forgot. a more accurate way to say it will be, all of them didn't bother. to them, it was just one more day, no different from the rest. no love communicated.

the solitary red egg. the significance so great within its thin shell that cannot be contained within. the fingers slightly marked by the reddish tint, so filled with love, an action so simple yet conveying so much affection. a quiet wish. to the person taking a gingerly bite of the tender white flesh to have so much that is good in his/ her life. a silent hope that he/she will understand the love behind the action so pure. when you have just come to realise and appreciate the very significance of the simple tradition of love, it's excruciating to realise that people around you do not hold you in such high regard.

the realisation was slow but days before, i knew that they would have forgotten. deliberating, musing, i wondered about my choice of reaction. i'm too old to sulk, to scream, to cry even. not that it will bring back the attention of those i love. if i rant, if i shout, they will perform to please, but an action prompted by guilt, is that what i wanted?

having anticipated their impassiveness, i tried to approach the day as equally detached as i could. still, i couldn't stop the splotches of tears that threatened as i made my own red egg. as i took a bite into the love that only i myself had for me, the saltish drops streaked down and acted as condiment for the egg.

realisation for him came a little too late, when he saw me preparing the egg. he tried to make amends but how do you rectify a situation like that? the pain that came from disregard. he cooked the longetivity noodle that usually followed the solitary red egg. without prior preparation, taking whatever he could from the fridge, the past-its-expiry noodle tasted of cockroach droppings. still, i kept my mouth shut. what does it matter how it taste like? it has since lost it's meaning. there was no point in me twisting the dagger of guilt into his consciousness. there will be no joy for me in seeing him hurt. so, i ate the noodles quietly. i couldn't keep the hurt from my eyes nor the pain from my face. but i kept the words from spilling out of my mouth. words will not be able to fill the gap impassiveness has created. words will not be able to turn back the clock of time.

when will she return

2007-09-07T16:37:00.000+08:00

she always had these strange bizarre ideas. when halloween was still just a western fad unfamiliar to the local shores, she started her own community halloween walk. when there was a reason to party, she'll be jumping all over the place to be the one who organises it. any reason to have a little fun. a movie under the stars? she's holding the mats and is the first one at the queue.

that girl was me. i was that girl.

but lately, that little girl is all quiet. i don't know when she left. i didn't even realise her silent departure. everything is like a playback from the black and white silent movies era. along the way, she lost her spirit. did the departure of her friend bring away her spirit? or was it the recent string of events unfolding before her eyes? perhaps it was a combination of all things, one after another. i don't know, i can't tell at which point exactly the world was muted.

i long to hear her laughs again. i'm waiting for her to return.

happy birthday

2007-09-05T14:51:00.001+08:00

the sky is so blue.

i can't get over what a clear and beautiful day it is supposed to be. the weather warm, the cloudy haze gone; it belie the melancholy that rest inside of me. everyone is going about their activities as normal, as if the significance of today escapes them....which is of course, true. some have forgotten what today is, what it is supposed to mean. then again, it probably doesn't mean much, except to us selected few.

today was meant as a celebration of life, for the glory of 36 years of living. we gathered to wish her a very happy birthday. which is such an irony. my wish is not as greedy, i only wish she can look at me and smile. the smile that i once took for granted. the smile that greeted me everyday when i didn't know to appreciate. i ask for one second longer, one minute if i may, or an hour if i can, a day, a lifetime....what does it matter? just one more time for me to tell her i love her. and that the world is quieter without her.

action and reaction

2007-08-30T15:04:00.000+08:00

and the story continues.......

what happens after you give in to exorbitant demands? someone ask for a ridiculous raise and having no other alternatives, you succumb to the arrogant ultimatum. yes, without any doubt, you'll feel used, cheapened, taken advantage of and a whole range of other unsettling feelings, the least of which being annoyed.

looking at the other side of the scale, i was surprised that the beneficiary of the demand reacted in a very grateful manner to the raise. it was as if the demand itself was a cry for self-validation and the very acceptance of the demand a confirmation of her self-worth. she is at once trying hard to please as well as working to prove that she is indeed worth that amount of money. however, with that crude exercise in power, her efforts are now falling onto hard ground; her betrayal unreversible simply by any pretty words or efficient output. perhaps over time, it will soften the heart?

then again, i believe with time, the enthusiasm will once again dampen and the short-lived effects of the temporary gratitude will pass. how fast the human mind forgets. she will revert back to her usual self in the blink of an eye. things will operate as before, the only difference being the extra money being twisted out of me.

it's not the quantum. it's a small sum if you look at the whole picture. perhaps i shouldn't wrong someone who is merely seeking for a livelihood. to each his own survival.

nevertheless, it proved to be an interesting lesson in human behavioural study.

quantifying attachment

2007-08-14T09:34:00.000+08:00

how do you quantify an eight-year old relationship? an eight-year period of trust, friendship, acceptance and of seeing each other through some significant events in their life.

my domestic helper has been with me for 8 years and seen me through the birth of both my children and moving of two abodes. without realising it, she has become a part of the family. she has unconsciously became a part of my life, my lifestyle. the tales of what we do for each other will be a never-ending roll of destiny.

recently, however, she found a way to quantify this long and deep relationship. she asked for a 30% increment to renew her contract for the 9th year. not a single cent less.

i can't help the sense of betrayal that creeps in over me. whilst an increment is definitely due, a demand for an excessive quantum reeks of extortion. insisting on sticking so firmly to the figure and not accepting even a little less portrays her obvious discard of all feelings towards our relationship. a little sad at realising that to her it is merely a job after all. how can you see someone day in day out for eight years without growing an attachment to them? if only it had been so easy for me to reign my feelings.

with that one sentence, everything changes. 8 years of attachment trampled and insulted. all feelings thrown out the window. invisible strings of affection reduced to merely figures on a piece of paper.

how cold the world is. how materialistic people are.

out of grasp

2007-08-10T10:18:00.000+08:00

sometimes life isn't about what you can make of it or what you want it to be. there are things beyond your control...things that you can only take a deep breath and swallow.

i can't stand to be victimised. i'm not one of those poor little things that you will see on tv which will bear the brunt of everything, whilst not daring to let out even a single peep. i'm the type to shout when i'm beaten, the one who kicks back when i'm hit, who will fight back......but there are times when life doesn't accord you that luxury.

i find myself being forced into a position where i have to live a lie for someone else. telling a lie is something that goes against the very principle of my life. i can tell it as good as the next tom, dick and harry...but i want to be able to sleep at night, to have a heart that is as light as the lark. so, i choose not to. but i have been thrust into this situation. a situation i have no way out of. and i'm wilting inside this hell-hole.

a situation where i feel nervous when the other person fucks up.....because the stakes are too high. i've always believed 'to each his own'. everybody has different believes, different opinions, different taste, different needs, different priorities and different ways of doing things. there's no right and wrong and we shouldn't judge. still, for whatever you choose or whatever you do, it's your right...as long as you are prepared to live with your choices. now, i realise no man's an island. life's filled with contradicting theories. what if your choices hurt others? can you live with being happy at the expense of others' misery? i don't want to be feel guilty about other people's shit. isn't it enough that i have my own? everybody knows, don't complicate lfe.....but sometimes, that is out of your hand. other people complicate it for you.

it's no longer about my life and what i want to do with it. it's also about the people around me and what i can live with. i feel cornered and so helpless.

little pieces

2007-08-08T10:21:00.000+08:00

day in, day out..wondering what to cook, what to put on the table. such a tedious process. takes away all the passion i had for cooking. cooking under the pressure to please is quite exhausting. i'm not the type to conform, to do what others do, to live the life of a billion other housewives. i'll wilt.

8yo likes to talk before she closes her eyes for the night. whilst i'm nagging her to keep quiet and go to sleep, she'll tell me little pieces of story from here and there. i'm such a bad mother. she's sharing with me a part of her day and i'm reminding her that it's past bedtime and that she'll feel sleepy tomorrow if she doesn't get enough sleep. motherhood - always torn between what's correct and what's best. next time, i'll have to remind myself to shut up and listen to her precious little stories.

6yo walks and talks (if not scream) in his sleep. must be heriditary. i'm famous for my midnight escape attempts too. have to check everynight that the doors to the balconies are locked. visualising his little body falling 25 stories down freezes me with fear sometimes, yet i cannot stop my mind from conjuring up those gruesome images. blame it on my over-active imagination.

i've always thought i never learned the word 'independent' despite all those years spent away from the family. my days alone didn't make me stronger or tougher, as did those other children in similar circumstances. but now, after all those years, i realise it made me into a very individual person, without my even realising so. a person who can't stand to conform. a person who needs her space. a person who can't stand to be one of the herd of sheep. or is it just old age and eccentricity?

no, don't answer that.

sis

2007-08-02T10:06:00.000+08:00

i miss having a sister.

not that i had one.

when i was growing up, just me and my older brother, i did wish for a little sister. someone for me to boss around, or at the very least, to follow me around like a little devoted puppy (haha). i had an inborn need to guide and teach, and so i unleashed it all on my cousin sister, willing or reluctant partner that she was. it was rather boring, just me and myself, but i had plenty to keep me amused and i rather enjoyed my own company.

in my teens, i made friends fairly easily and had many close friends that replaced the need of having a sister. i didn't miss having another person to argue about ownerships or hearing the nags of mother to share. my brother and i were so different that we mostly kept to ourselves during those period of raging hormones and puberty.

later, in my 20s, the absence of a sister figure still didn't mean much as i was too busy with my life, too sure of my ownself for the need of any validation from others. what with adjusting to life with another person and childbirth, i had more than my hands full most of the time.

only in my 30s am i missing my imaginary sister the most. someone that i can talk to and pour my heart out. someone who would understand without the need for me to justify the reasons for my feelings. someone who will always stand on my side, against everybody else. someone who will understand what i am going through and empathise. someone who will hurt when i am hurting. someone who will stand up for me. someone who will love me because i am me. someone who will tell me the hard truth simply because it is the truth. someone i can tell everything in the world to and will understand. someone that i can rant and rave to without coming under the criticism of the public eye.

when i was growing up, i never could bond with anybody. parents were simply meant to be censoring tools to over-excessive enjoyment and provision of adequate needs. brother was never around even to be a source of annoyance. friends separated by a wall of geographical mobility....friends whom were often more interested in telling me their woes than listening to mine. when i was growing up, my diary replaced the role of a sister.

sometimes it feels like me against the whole world. one solitary figure standing against it all. whom do i rant to? who can i tell what's eating away at me? who can i bitch to? i don't want to be the nice person always. i don't want to be strong. i want to cry, i want to shout, i want to whine....but who understands?

perhaps i should start writing a diary again.

i want

2007-07-23T11:43:00.000+08:00

i want....

...to just sit at the nearest cafe for a cup of coffee...and a breather.

...to light up a match and set fire to this pile of work infront of me.

...to lie down in bed with a good book and fuzzy teddy bear.

...to throw away all the clocks in the world.

...to go out shopping in the weekday when there is no noisy crowd and rude pushes.

...watch a kite flutter by......but there is no kite for miles around.

...to talk to a friend.

...to stop blaming myself for all things that go wrong.

...to eat all that i can eat without gaining a single gram

...to laugh again.

...to meet with friends until the wee of the night.

...to hear the sound of the waves and feel the sea breeze blowing against my face

...to sit by the window, watching the raindrops fall and listening to soft romantic music, alone with my thoughts.

old news

2007-07-19T14:36:00.000+08:00

if i'm not making sense, it's cos i'm tired. if i'm ranting, it's cos i'm over-loaded. if i'm writing here, it's cos i'm seeking for an escape. a temporary one.

i've got too many balls to juggle at the moment. my brain is too tired to even come up with the words my heart want to express.

when you don't take offence, everything is dumped into your lap. it's also my fault. i'm born with a impaired gene; one which makes me HAVE to do everything, one which makes me HAVE to please everybody. psychoanalysts say it's because you want people to like you.....i'm not so sure about that. i guess it just seems like the easier alternative.

when a situation arise, everybody's most concerned. everybody flocks to the scene, asking, caring, trying to help. when the situation persists, people's interest are no longer there. nobody cares anymore. it doesn't matter who dies, who needs help, how the people at the scene standing-by are ready to drop from sheer tiredness or however dire the situation has become. nobody's interested anymore cos it's old news.

happens everywhere. in all situations. when people fall sick, in the politics, in the house, marriage....every situation where the situation gets stale. it seems....nobody like old news. old is gold? that's only for the fools.

missing so much

2007-06-22T15:45:00.000+08:00

arrrrrrghhhhh! i'm going crazy! has anybody ever died from missing someone too much? i can't stand this! this sitting here, unable to do anything but miss her somemore.

missing her so much, what can i do? i took a walk back to her place. it has been uninhabited for so long, that so many crap is growing on it. it drives me crazy to see her place desecrated! i want to clean it for her...but i don't have the key.

she's crazy, i'm too sensible. she's open, i keep everything inside. she has the best EQ i know, i hold down the fort on the IQ part. she balances my life, brings a little craziness and a little spontaneity to my measured precise world. with her, i learn to open up, a little at a time, telling her things even when she's not interested in hearing them. she seeks me out like a guided missile even when i neglected her. she makes the word 'bitch' sounds like a term of endearment. she makes me laugh and groan at her whiny complaints. there is no one in the whole wide world that is like her, no matter how hard i looked. she makes grouchiness and brusqueness seem so sweet. in her crudeness, you can feel real warmth.in every other friend that i make, i measure them against her....but how can you measure up against a friendship that lasted 22 years?

for a little while, i couldn't understand why i hated sweet people. sacharrin sweetness brings a shiver to my soul. now i know. i want her bitchiness back. her bitchiness makes me feel sincerity.

writing about her feels like a betrayal. but it is the only way that i can take a walk back in my memories and hold her hands. i can't shout, i can't cry. all my actions and words have to be so precise and measured, so that i don't end up hurting others.

who stopped first?

2007-06-21T11:05:00.001+08:00

ever get yourself in a situation where you close yourself from others because you thought they didn't care? you stop taking the initiative, making the next move....because you feel that they have not taken any steps down the road of friendship? you wonder...were you intruding? you stop calling, they stop calling. now you'll never know if they never cared...or they were just going through a rough patch.

i seem to get myself into that situation a lot. i get tired. i stop walking. pretty soon, i turn around...and the friendship is in the past.

i guess that is not the way friends should be. then again, don't two hands make a clapping sound? can you clap with one hand?

what do you like most about yourself?

2007-06-12T10:36:00.000+08:00

a long long time ago, someone asked....what do you like the most about yourself? i would look at myself in the mirror, checking out my eyes, nose, hands, legs....all parts of my body to see which i am most contented with.

looking back, my vision somewhat clearer with age now and not clouded with all things material and short-lived, i realise that i loved my laughter the most. which goes hand-in-hand with that smile. the one with all my teeth showing. it is what i find most attractive about myself.

it is also what i miss the most now.

why is it that we find laughter more elusive as we grow older? will i grow into a sulking, pouting old nanny? i want there to be creases at the corner of my eyes, fine lines that remind us of how happy our lives had been. i want to hear the gasping sound of my own perverted laughters.

is there less to laugh at now...

or is it just me?

with love, we can win the battle

2007-06-09T08:29:00.000+08:00

i averted looking into the eyes of the people in the room, picked a spot and walked straight to it. comfortably sitted in the corner of the room, slowly.... i looked around.

the people there looked like any other......like you and me. a little thin perhaps, some of them. then again, why shouldn't they look like us? after all, cancer is not selective in its choice of victims. it is a little humbling, and a little depressing, to know that all the people in the room, save for the family members accompanying them and the staffs, are all cancer patients. even that young boy, who had a whole bright future ahead of him...until cancer struck him.

overheard snippets of conversation...."yes, but to hear that it has spread.......", "....i rather take only one week's medication. i need to find a place to hide these medicines from the children."..... it leaves a sour taste in the mouth and a heavy rock in my heart. :-( people like you and me, with families who love them so, who will be lost if they leave....

they all have that same determined and courageous glint in their eyes. some a little beaten, some a little tired, but all with the same confidence and acceptance in their stride. by comparison, i look even more lost. perhaps they are doing a very good disguise of hiding their fear?

my glance rested on an old lady. she was accompanied by an old man. he looked strong, not in physical strength but in his soul. he looked like he knew what he was doing, where he was going and why he was staying. i'm glad that she has a companion to walk down this long and frightening road with her, to be her pillar of strength when she falters.

some came with an army of family members. blessed are them, to be surrounded with so much love at this time of need. i'm quite sure that love makes a difference in fighting this battle.

others came alone, sitting quietly for their turn at the chemo machine. physically, i'm sure they can manage it. however, mentally, wouldn't it be better if they knew that there was someone out there waiting for them, someone who cared whether they won the battle, someone who will be devastated if they gave up? where was that someone in their life right now? slaving behind an office desk? tied to commitments by ball and chain? anger bubbled within me. i looked away.

for the love of it

2007-05-21T11:13:00.001+08:00

blogging is tiring.

exposing yourself to people that you don't know. people who are ready to judge you on a few mere sentences. people who believe they know you like the back of their hand because of the stories that you have told. people whom you have no inkling about.

it's a fair game when other bloggers drop by and read your stories....you can stop by their blogs for a little chat too, get to know them a little more and exchange tales, develop a friendship that is superficial at worst. sometimes, that scale is not as balanced. people that you have never seen, never heard and most certainly never known acts presumptously, classifying you into categories based on only a single aspect of your life that they know.

i like meeting people....but it's frightening when strangers drop by and act like we have known each other for centuries. perhaps i'm old-fashioned. to me, friendships are those developed through time, through thick and thin and through good and bad. friendships are when both sides are giving. i don't know what i should or shouldn't write anymore. i don't know what i should say. i don't want this blog to be superficial...but i'm wary. this is how the real world turns an idealist into a cynic.

it's tiring when you have to defend your own thoughts, explain your actions. some doesn't listen, they just judge. i blog to balance my life...to leave the sadness behind. everybody who reads has their own interpretation, their own views, tempered by their own lifestyles, who they are. it's tiring to justify myself to others, especially when i'm already so low.

blogging used to be comforting. now it's treading on scary.

sometimes i wonder.....why do i still blog?

i know. because i still enjoy writing.

friends

2007-05-18T10:16:00.000+08:00

the blogosphere is a strange place.

when the world is cold and unfriendly, when your friends are not many......you turn to the blogosphere. people from all races and places drop by, hanging on to every word that you say, faithfully tuning in day afer day to the crap that you write. when you are happy, they are there, cheering you as you go along. when you are down, they turn up in troves, with words so touching to support you on your journey.

as time goes, you believe. you think of them as your friends. they probably know more about you than any other friend you have.

then you realise. most of them haven't actually been listening. most of them don't really care. they read....but they don't listen. you disappear for a few days. they let you be. some turn up, looking for new updates. some move on. some don't even realise you are gone.

then the cold truth hits you....it's all a mirage. the love is not really there. you can't tell the difference from those that really care or those who wants some entertainment to pass the day. friends shouldn't be like that......

a friend will call me when i am down. a friend will call me when she doesn't hear from me. a friend will know what's best for me and pull me out for some company even when she knows i don't want to see anybody. a friend will try to make me laugh when she knows i am down. a friend can feel it when i am down. a friend will scold me when i need scolding. a friend will not leave me alone.

that's just life

2007-05-17T08:37:00.000+08:00

i'm tired. so tired. tired of fighting all those battles. tired of engaging in yet another war. but that is life, isn't it? after one hurdle, we get another, to test our will and strength.

the strength of a person is measured by how fast they stand back up after they fall......i, for one, fail desperately. for years after i received that middle of the night phonecall informing me of my grandfather's death, i freeze whenever the phone rings again late at night. that was my first experience with death. looking back at all the times i fell, i never seemed to have learnt how to let go....even after so long. perhaps it's part of life. perhaps that is what makes us who we are.

when i was young, my primary concern centered around myself. what should i do? what should i eat? as i grow older, my world expanded. to those around me; first my boyfriend, who later became my husband. just me and him, in our little world. loving and caring for him was easy, albeit it took a period of adjusting. it was no longer what i wanted, but what we both can do together. accomodating just one other individual in the plans and my thoughts was easy. then came the babies......life is no longer for yourself. every minute of every day, you have given up your thoughts, your time, your soul to caring and providing for them. they will not grow up fast enough....yet they seem to grow up too fast. motherhood is full of ironies.

as you age, and perhaps this is the worst part, the people around you age as well. people whom you never have to worry about, suddenly have to take center stage. you fight their battles for them. you hold them when they need comfort. this is the cycle of life. they were there when you need them, now it's your turn.

i don't know how other people do it, how they stand back up after each fall. it's not so much physical exhaustion, as much as mental. you think life is tough now....it gets worse. it's almost like there is someone with a twisted sense of humour up there.

but perhaps that's just life.

my secret cove

2007-05-16T09:42:00.000+08:00

leisurely...i took a stroll, with my heart so heavy and my mood so down. i walked here and there, not knowing what i am looking for. i looked aimlessly at people drifting by. i look around to see where my wandering footsteps have brought me...to this place that looked at once empty yet familiar. tired, i sat down for a little while. it felt like home. i took off my load and let my guard down...just for a little while. a little place to be me, a little place to hide.......my secret cove.

i never thought i will revive this blog. if felt wrong to be writing personal feelings in the other one, almost as if i am burdening others with the loads in my soul. i know some of my readers are uncomfortable with my personal posts, glaring from the obvious lack of comments in the 'heavier' ones. some people do not want to know, frankly do not even care; deep emotions make them uncomfortable. which is fine actually. to each their own, i always say.

i have not been able to write about my personal feelings for some time. perhaps it is because of the closeness with my readers. perhaps it is the increasing transparency...

i need a place to be able to voice my feelings, to let it out and leave it there. i need a place to balance the outwardly smile and joyfulness i portray, a place to be melancholy and dark without hurting anyone. this place is ideal because it is deserted and forsaken. it is a place where few visits and no one listens.

this place doesn't shout for visitors. bloggers, that have now become friends, are not obliged to feel that they must come. in turn, i do not feel that i have to smile...except perhaps when my heart smiles.

obituary

2007-01-31T17:07:00.000+08:00

gather round, everybody. there's a party going on here today. pick up a glass of champagne. feel free to let down your hair, shake your bottom and go crazy. we are drinking to the death of 'why so kaypo?'.

yes, this is the last and final post in here.

let's toast goodbye to that stupid name. i admit i took like 5 seconds to come up with that pathetic name. i don't even know what it is suppose to signify. one thing for sure; it's easy to remember. i guess i was hoping for some idiot to ask me the name of my blog, to which i can reply....(all together now...)......"why so kaypo*?". never happened though. *shaking head sadly* which is a given since people who knows about my blog already knows the name and those that don't know of its existence, i have no plans of enlightening them. yammmmmmmm seng

let's not forget that stupid nickname that went hand in hand with the blog. it started out with 'mslenglui' which was obviously connocted because the only people who seemed to call me so were those in the morning market. how pathetic. an obvious ploy to get more people to see the beauty in me. hah! then was 'me' which is equally sad, if you ask me (pun intended), confusing bloggers from all walks of life. it was supposed to signify that i am 'me', what you think you see is what you get, no packaging, no frills. plain and simple. let's toast goodbye to all that stupidity and senselessness. yammmmmmmmm seng

let's give another toast to all the happy, and silly, memories in here. yes, yes, i will forever remember being called 'ghost', 'long-winded' and other unkind adjectives. *grins* nahhh, they were sweet memories. yammmmmmm seng

ok, how about another toast to all the friends that i have made here. this blog wouldn't be what it is if not for you guys. does this sound like an oscar speech or what? it's not like i'll be getting an oscar award anytime soon, so indulge me, ok? my friends in the blogosphere. i'm so proud to say that. for all those who were so sweet to me and said the sweetest things, a toast to you. yammmmmmmmmm seng

hey, you there in the back! no making out in this party. go get a room or something. sheesh! i think that about wraps it all up. a final toast to this blog. YAMMMMMMMM SENG!

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

i'm still writing though. for those who can't get enough of me, please hop over to my new place (or should i say places). it is still renovation in progress, so watch out for all those loose nails, saw dust and all, but i was a little sick of commuting to and fro the old and new place. see you there.

in case you are wondering where, it's all there - in my profile.

*incase annie is blur (which is a given), kaypo means 'to be busybody / nosy'.

application form

2007-01-24T08:37:00.000+08:00

to: all readers

from: me, who else

re: application for leave

i have been infected by somebody's melancholic introspective bug. i realise that i no longer know why i am writing and for whom i am writing. this place no longer feels right and i don't feel i belong. the love for writing and story-telling is still there, but this does not seem like the place for me to do it anymore. perhaps i have been too caught up with the number game. how do you detach yourself from something as part of the game as that? i want to revel in the process, not the end-results for why else will i still be here?

maybe all i need is a break. maybe all i need is some time away.

will be back.

see you around.

seeking pleasure

2007-01-22T10:35:00.000+08:00

honestly speaking, i cannot remember the last time i had another person of the same sex climb on top of me. it has been a very, very long time.......too long.

i am not one for such tendencies but it was all purely for the pursuit of pleasure. last weekend, i took a little time off, disappeared for a few hours and went seeking for some indescribable ecstacy. it wasn't something that i would announce to the family, for obvious reasons. i felt a little guilty, indulging in pleasures such as this but i have suppressed my natural desires for far too long and believe that i should finally succumb to it, wicked as it may seem.

this is not my first time. i've had other encounters with those of my same sex but i must admit, they are definitely much more satisfying than any i've had with my man. she knows how to give me pleasure in ways that a man just wouldn't understand, touch me in places i needed to be touched. her hands were smooth, my body ached for her gentle yet firm touch.

for that one hour, with nothing else on my mind, i was hers whilst she pushed me to levels of blissfulness that i never knew existed. i soaked in languid bliss, not bothering about what the outside world may think of us. closed away in that dark room, all that mattered was how she made me feel.

you and i, we are not naive people. we all know what i am talking about.

the expert touch of a masseuse. working out those tight knotted muscles. what an absolute bliss!

madness

2007-01-19T13:43:00.000+08:00

i step out for half a freaking day.

the phone rings incessantly.

the boss calls.

he wants something PRONTO!

i have to go back.

i am in all the time, cultivating spiderwebs on my rotting body and nobody calls. the phone is dead. i take one freaking foot out and the world is looking for me.

it's a freaking crazy world.

**************************************

i talk to my bro on the 3G, eventhough he is like ten steps away, because it's free.

like i need to see his face when he asks me .............what was it again?

**************************************

i look at my feet and wonder why i am wearing heels that are at least one size larger.

what was i thinking of when i bought the shoes?

that my legs will swell?

for that matter, did i bring my brain with me when i went shopping?

whimsical

2007-01-19T09:00:00.000+08:00

there you go!

someone was telling me that there isn't any pigs in this place.

huh?

oh!

you mean pics!!

*shrugs*

works out to be the same.

pics of pigs!

ambition

2007-01-18T09:37:00.000+08:00

i have a strange friend.

he has been asking me the very same question for the few years that i have known him. from the start, he asked me "if you hadn't sold your soul to your job (ok, maybe he didn't phrased it that way), what would you have liked to work as?". i don't know what triggered his persistent line of questioning, perhaps he sensed the unfulfilment(?) in my present job.

that would be a very difficult question to answer, as i have been with my present employer for more than 10 years now. i recently had to chuck my second date-chop and request for a third one (those in the line will know that a date chop has a ten-years running series on it). it does not directly translate into my working for 30 years with the company (that would mean i started working for them at the age of 5!! gasp!) but it does shadows my roots in that place.

i have long since forgotten what my ambition was, or perhaps have buried it so deep that i do not even know how to locate it. my friend's very peculiar persistence has triggered me to ask myself the same. what was my ambition? the one topic that i had to write over and over again in essay composition classes, no matter which level in the school. had i known it was going to be all bullshit, i would have written about some glamour job like miss universe or food-tester for the emperor.

i think my very first ambition was to be a teacher. yes, i like to lord over other children and torture them with endless list of homeworks, make them stand on tables and whip them with a cane. no, i think it was more for the satisfaction of feeling all-important and clever, a desire to guide others and make them understand. i will be the one patiently teaching my younger cousin whilst others have given it up as hopeless.

the miss malaysia (or more accurately, miss hongkong as it was more popular back then, though i have no idea how i can even qualify seeing that i am definitely born and bred here) bit did float around in my head for a little while, though i had to give that up very fast when i realise my features were nowhere considered attractive and my height stopped reaching for the sky, or should i say never even bothered to.

when i started talking marathon sessions on the phone and win all arguments with any adult (except the one that permitted me to open my cage and fly out into the blue sky), i was not-very-nicely given the suggestion of becoming a lawyer. yes, i like to argue, for the sake of arguing, or sharpening my quick reflex wit if you like to put it in a nice manner. that one never took hold as i didn't quite like having the future of people's life on my hands. i cannot imagine the guilt trip i will go through if someone was to hang because i had not done enough *shudders*.

that was all a very long time ago. all swept beneath the imaginary carpet. if you were to ask me now what i will like to be, i will be hard-pressed for an answer. there are just too many jobs i will like to try, all not highly-ambitious i'm afraid. i would love to be a part-time receptionist, wearing a damn short and sexy skirt with my bimbo voice going, "good morning, this is xyz company. who will you like to speak to?". perhaps a highly-motivated waitress, "yes, and will you like to try our beautiful creme brulee with that?". or that idiot that pushes people into trains cramped beyond imagination, just so that the door will shut, like in japan. i wouldn't mind spending a week or two organising events, closets and even as a highly-perked nanny, no, the word should be au pair.

however, my friend would have none of that. only one job, he said. only one? i scratched my head but i couldn't come up with an answer. then it came to me out of the blue. i know what i will want to be. not when i grow up but perhaps in another life.

i want to be a translator. not for the embassies or some big-shot businessman, or beautiful celebrities and important presidents. i want to be the translator for those illegal dvds, who seem to **** up the subtitles all the time! "the german take no can't" ?!?!? what craps? what german? there is no german in the plot?! or "u r not suppose to do that". what is this? text subtitles?!! *groan*

i can imagine the satisfaction i will have on the job. i will call all my friends and tell them, "eh, you watching that new movie ah? hey, i wrote the subtitles you knowwwww". i will have first-hand privilege of watching new movies before they hit the shelves. ok, perhaps i will not be able to brag about my job since it is associated with illegal copyright but translating is not criminal, is it? i just wrote the subtitles for some hard-hearing old man who couldn't understand the muffled speech, so sue me! ahhhhhhhhh! i can imagine the gratification on that one, the pleasure of finally reading words that match the conversation on the screen.

they should be so lucky to employ me.

sympathy

2007-01-17T11:01:00.000+08:00

a little while back, someone i know did something very commendable, something very charitable. she went off with a group of people around the streets of kl, distributing food to the homeless. something that i wish i will do instead of sitting here comfortably on my behind in this comfortable room, passing opinion like a high and mighty queen. she saw a side of the city that is not normally open to the eyes of the public, or perhaps it is, to those who choose to see.

she witnessed homeless people of all age, race and gender, blind, handicapped and even small children accompanying their drug-addict parent. there was a lady who looked like she had acid poured over her face, without a distinct nose or eyelids and a lipless hole for a mouth.

it is a given that such a scene will tug at your heart, bringing out sympathy even in the coldest of soul. it will serve as a reminder to all of our own fortune, which is often forgotten and unappreciated.

i do feel the same. however, my thoughts cast back to those that we deem as fortunate from what we see and know.

those who, to all appearance, seem like the luckiest person on the world but are fighting their own demons within. those that have all the material spoils they could possibly ask for but are trapped in a hell that others will not begin to understand. people who will not invoke sympathy from a bystander's single glance but is fighting for the very simple act of living every day of their life. people whom a donation or a free meal will not even begin to alleviate their sufferings. people whom others will never be able to do anything that will lighten their misery.

is their story any less sadder than those lying homeless in the streets? these people who will never invoke sympathy simply because there is no visible signs. people who think death is an easier alternative than living their lives out everyday. or is it just a sign of the weak? surely, that option in itself takes a lot of courage. who knows what demons they have been battling and for how long. what possible hell could they be living in that death seems like a sweeter alternative? like leslie cheung, the infamous singer who took his life when faced with depression, we'll never understand what they have to go through every minute of the day. hopefully, i'll never have to know.

my heart cries also for these souls. people who bleeds from the heart but you cannot hear their cries or see their misfortune. people whom you will never ever even begin to understand their plight. people with whom the whole world will never know to sympathise. people whom others will never understand.

questions unanswered

2007-01-16T10:12:00.000+08:00

for as long as i can remember, i have been the youngest.

i was the youngest in my family as i was growing up. a position that didn't bring along the necessary spoiling and pampering but more of the trappings of never being able to do anything or go anywhere i wanted. it is an unwritten rule in the household; never listen to the youngest. sheesh!

when i was schooling, i was a year younger than the average classmate for every year after secondary four. eventhough it was just a difference of 12 months, i felt pretty small then; both in terms of size and importance. sheesh!

the pattern persisted to the uni-days. i was like the youngest child, presumed sweet and innocent, the little baby for everyone to keep an eye on. they were 3, 5 or even 12 years older than i. i listened whilst they talked. i learned whilst they taught me about the lessons in life. nobody listened. sheesh!

when i first started working, i had no equals. no one my age or even remotely close. it was stiffling, and sombering, working with people an entire generation older. forget about jokes, you don't even smile unless absolutely necessary. i tried valiantly to grow up faster, to look older, or at the very least, more convincing to them. sheesh!

when i ventured into post-degree course, it went without saying that i was going to be among the youngest in the group. somehow, somewhere, i have accepted that i will be the youngest among my peers. it didn't matter, as long as i proved to excel in my performance. sheesh!

however, one day when i wasn't looking i grew older.

just when i assumed i will always be the youngest, i became the oldest. just when i thought i will remain the smallest, i grew up. i look around. everybody else is younger. what happened to those older than me? where did they go?

why do i still feel so young then?

when will i start feeling old?

a magical journey

2007-01-15T14:23:00.001+08:00

for all those i met.....

in 3 hours, 43 minutes and 22 seconds
i was taken on a miraculous journey
where strangers were transformed into friends
and names evolved into identities.
alphabets that were just names when arranged
became people with emotions and a past
words that were cold and distant
became a warm invisible touch by a friend.
in the blink of an eye, everything changed.
stories that were told day after day
turned into letters from a friend
telling me how his / her day went.
whilst reading his posts,
i visualised
him sitting there, as if telling me
with his very own voice, and the flick of his hair.
the face lingers, the feelings remained
is this all in my head
or did we just become friends?

not another meme

2007-01-15T09:08:00.000+08:00

my fingers are stiff, my brain rusty.

it has been the longest time since i was last tagged. it is probably an honour to be remembered and tagged again by the much revered and oh so mighty ah pek but this one that he has just served me proved to be the most difficult by far. true, it will be easy to just whip out any answer from the dusty old bag i call a brain, but as a mark of respect to this man, i think i should stop and ponder for a little while.

this is also probably the most boring tag i have received. who the hell cares what your favourite movies are? it's not like any of you are going to a movie with me soon and will like to find out the genre of my likings, so what does it matter which movies i adore? most tags reveal something about the "tag-ee" but i seriously can't imagine someone telling me 'oh yes, now i know that you are a shallow air-head because you like stephen chow's movie' or 'better stay clear of you, you have a potential murder streak because you like to see house of wax' (definitely not paris hilton's version, ok? gagggggg!.)

nevertheless, i shall plough on, lest i am being reminded of being long-winded. i don't know where he gets the idea that i am a movie-fan but he is amazingly accurate. a movie-fan may not be the correct description. i call myself a movie-dumpster. i take in all types of movies; thriller, romantic, comedy, drama, action, chick-flicks, whatever you have as long as i have time to spare and a correct setting; both of which are increasingly difficult to come by of late. the only type of movie that i absolutely can't stand is those where every single freaking person in the movie dies in the end. or those that have every possible misfortune befall the actor / actress. she lost her parents since young, her sibling died trying to save her from a car-crash which left her disabled anyway, the boy she loves turns out to be her blood-brother, she has cancer.... ?!?!?!?!? what's the point? let's just have a bomb drop on all the characters at the very start of the movie and kill all of them! saves my tears and the nerve-wrecking moments.

the problem, and therein lies the difficulty, with this tag is most movies go in one side of my brain, run havoc in there for a few milli-seconds and leave the other side, without so much as a trace of its existence. i forget totally great movies in the blink of an eye. sighhhhh! i have problem remembering which movies i really like. so, for the purpose of this tag, after spending the weekend deliberating on it (see how serious i am!), i shall choose movies that have somehow managed to stay with me, despite the test of my dementia-racked brain.

since i have been going on and on, i shall cut it short here. want to know what's so good about these movies, or what it's all about? go watch it then! haha! no pics, no synopsis. sorry.

1. the romantic - Moments to Remember (korean)...*sniff*

2. the thriller - Memento (killed lots of brain cells trying to remember the last sequence)

3. the recent comedy - The Pink Panther (yes, the 'stupider' the better)

4. the supernatural - The Sixth Sense (the ending just stays with you)

5. the trials and tribulations of ms. me - ok, that one is not out yet. it will be one day, you just watch out for it. i can't think of anymore and i'm sick of trying. so ah pek, four only, ok?

usually, i will tag others with glee, with a revenge. this time however, i shall spare you. let's wait for another more interesting tag, shall we?

apply within

2007-01-12T09:39:00.000+08:00

one cup of coffee is one cup too much.

i'll come back to that in a bit.

i survived yesterday's meeting and return to my place in front of the computer in one piece. i double-checked and can definitely confirm that the strange specimen indeed did not possess eight tentacles and two heads. he did have a peculiar tendency to call attention to his non-existent six packs, though. (if i did not get in trouble for the 'boy' reference thing, i'm sure to get it for this one. haha.) there was a rather unnerving moment when the strange specimen metamorphosed into 4 other of his species, making a grand total of 5. well, i guess it's better to hit me all at once whilst i am still mentally prepared before i make the quick escape into elusiveness again.

ok, back to my first sentence.

i have a job opening in my organisation. anyone who is on the lookout for a change in his / her job or perhaps something on the side to fill your free time, kindly read on.

the official designation is termed as "head director". the job scope in itself is pretty straightforward. your only responsibility is to smack the head of your employer, namely me, should i engage in the highly undesirable act of ordering a cup of coffee. the task itself, however, requires some finesse. the smack should not be so hard that my eyeballs will pop out but it should not be so soft that i will ignore it and continue with the undesirability. you are given room for exercising your power of judgement and may smack me senseless if i obstinately persist in ordering a cup of coffee. as such, i believe it is a highly satisfying and enjoyable appointment.

the pay is non-existent but perhaps i can offer you a cup of tea in return. however, this will also depend on your strength of smacking. smack too hard and i will forget all terms of employment. the hours are flexible, the benefits restricted solely to the satisfaction of having to smack my head and my gratitude. anybody with relevant experience and total dedication to the work may submit their cvs here.

i have resorted to opening up a position for the above post since my brain has absolutely refused to listen to my cries for no more coffee. yesterday's tall (read 'small' in starbucks' terms) brew of the day has left me disoriented and restless.

i need to recuperate.

freaking out

2007-01-11T09:37:00.000+08:00

i haven't been updating for a couple of days, discounting my filler poetic attempt post, that is. that's because i'm busy silently freaking out. yes, i'm tearing out precious handfuls of hair and bitting nails like a woodpecker. i'm suppose to be meeting up with another one of those strange specimen from the blogger species and it's freaking me out silly. he's too busy to surf the blogosphere these days, so i'm free to write whatever i want :-p.

blogging has always strike me as wondrous. a place where people will actually shut up and listen (except for those weirdos out there who talk absently to their own monitor whilst reading blogs). a place where races, religion, sex and age does not matter. a place where you meet people you will never meet in your ordinary world, simply because of the above invisible boundaries.

what does a 30...what again (....doing quick mental calculation. sorry, the part of the brain responsible for storing how old i am seems to be permanently warped)....oh yes, 35 years old woman have in common with a 23 year old.....do i dare say it?.....boy. hahaha. that will piss him off if he reads it. which is why it's imperative that we quickly move on. not much, i will say. aside from the obvious fact that they both belong to the same 'oink-ing' and 'grunting' animal sign in the chinese horoscope. 23 seems like a very long time ago to me. then again, my mental capacity probably is still hovering around that level, hence the seeming ability to communicate with him. for that matter, i think he is much more mature than i.

anyway, i digress. since i'm on the subject, what does this woman have in common with a disillusioned 50 year old, a grumpy mid-life-crisis (heehee) 35 years old (or thereabout), a humsup (try as i might, i couldn't find a better english word to adequately translate this) 40 plus, a kind and sweet...errr, i have no idea how old is she, a witty, beautiful and foreign 30+, another sarcastic but really very sweet 20+?.....(what is it with ladies, i seem to have no idea how old they are), a funny and crappy 20+, a poetic 34 .........this will go on forever if i'm going to list all of you so please do not be offended if i move on (i'm already getting myself in much trouble with the above descriptions, as it is). the only thing we have in common is a blog.

behind this blog, we hide ourselves and reveal as much, or as little, as we want to. we seem to communicate, but it's all mostly one-way. we seem to know so much about each other, by virtue of the things posted, but it may be scratching the surface. yes, sometimes we are even thrusted with strange pieces of information such as their sexual preference, disturbing habits and even family-planning process (kakaka) but it could all very well be the creative power of the pen, or in this case, the keyboard. people that we call friends, which we know next to nothing about. people that we think we know everything about, but have absolutely no inkling whether it's true.

so, what is freaking me out? the fact that this unmasking is irreversible? or the fact that i will no longer have a blog to hide my identity behind? definitely it is not the actual prospect of meeting the man, for the last time i checked, he does not have 8 tentacles or two heads. maybe it's the fact that i will no longer be ms. me but someone with an actual identity, name and face.

someone hand me a prozac, please. i want my safe haven.

memories

2007-01-09T08:56:00.000+08:00

i'm busy clearing up some work today. so, i'll just share a page with you.....

not now
not today
but one day, some time ago.....

going thru some old thing,
i picked up a piece of paper, crumpled and old
the water in my eyes begin to sting
as it brings back memories trapped within its fold.

of things said and promises made
that was never given the luxury of time,
can't turn back the clock, it's too late,
so in my head it replays like a mime.

restlessness awash as i'm unable to grasp
on to people who means so much
i witness with hopelessness as time lapse
and their presence become but a memory as such

dreams shattered, it's so hard to move on
the absence in my life of someone who truly cared
it's irreplaceable, i'm told, once they're gone
someone whose soul to you they once bared.

memories that run so deep, it's footprints on everything burrowed
is but a dull ache in the heart now
words that so badly wanted to be said, swallowed
they're all but playing in my mind now.

coffee

2007-01-05T09:39:00.000+08:00

why do i like coffee?

they taste absolutely vile. it's bitter, like those traditional chinese medicine brew. the ones i had at the modern kopitiam taste even worse than the chinese concoction. no amount of sugar or honey can cover up the taste in my mouth, which leaves my face contorted in the most unpleasant response. those at the chain coffee outlets are even worse; they leave me with a headache and a scratchy throat.

the after-effects are not even orgasmic. i don't get the reported 'high' or the sudden burst of alertness. if at all, i become even more paranoid and edgy.

so, why do i order the same thing, over and over again, despite the many unfinished cups and bitter experience? why do i ask for it automatically, like someone who has been hexed?

aside from the fact that my mouth obviously works faster than my brain, i think it's the rebellious side in me that's responsible for my lapse in better judgement. drinking coffee is like a cry against the pleasant side of me, which is pretty much like tea. i go down well, soothe the throat and gets comments like 'she's so sweet' from people. eventhough i believe they say that because they have nothing else nice to say about me, it still ticks me off. me, sweet?

if sweet is being silent so that people can talk on and on and monopolise the conversation, i'll raise my hand up in a jiffy. the way i figure it, i let most people talk. at the end of the talking marathon, with an appropriate nod from me and a 'hmmm' here and there, they realise they don't know anything about me. nothing to summarise me as a person. so, i'm called sweet....for lack of a better description.

so, coffee is my rebellion against sweetness. against the obedient, loyal and gentle side of me. i can't very well kick the dog by the side of the road, or slap the crying baby, so i drink coffee. it's my way of telling the world, i'm not really nice. you just don't know me yet.

another chance at my resolutions

2007-01-03T10:09:00.000+08:00

crash, boom, bang........and 2007 is here!

despite the fact that i tried to slam the door in its face and locked, double-locked and even padlocked the front gate, the very stubborn and persistent new year is finally here.

i dragged my semi-conscious brain to the nearest countdown celebration during new year eve and joined the throng of merry party-goers, who were all waiting for the 5.....4.....3.....2.....you know what i mean. to add to the mood and transform myself from a sleepy zombie into another merry-maker in the crowd, i downed a bottle of heineken. stayed stubbornly sober though. i knew i should have gone for the half-dozen-bottle deal.

another new year, another year older.....so to speak. i'm not particularly worried about the 36 years old part. i think i have made a fairly good trade with confidence, wisdom and empathy for a few wrinkles here and there. okay, maybe i didn't get such a good deal with the lacking lustre skin, the losing elasticity bit and the lower metabolism, but i'll take it any day rather than the ditzy, confused and oh so sensitive age. wait a minute, i think i kept the ditzy part...... oh well.......nobody's perfect.

having had a few days to mull over my new year resolutions, which i didn't really bother to actually, i shall list them here. i'll just make them up as i go along.

1. to be happy. this was last year's and it shall be this year's again. as a reminder, so that i don't pull myself into one of those bottomless spiralling pit.

2. to listen. i thought i have always done a very good job.....but last year, i realised i was only hearing. perhaps it's a little too late for some party concerned....this is one of the hardest resolution, what with a million things going on at the same time and everybody pulling me apart with their demands, making me tired to the soul, but i shall endeavour.

3. to pay a little more attention to what my body needs. when there are a thousand cries, yours will be the last to be heard. i need a little time to attend to this aging structure before it gets up and abandon this silly soul.

4. to love a little more. for those nearest and dearest, sometimes i'm too tired to be there for them. this year, brand's chicken essence shall be my best friend as i strive to work with them, play with them and just be there for them.

5. to read. i love reading. i have a whole bookcase of unread books. lately i have been reading short meaningless trashy stuffs just to fill in the need but it's just not satisfying the soul. resolution 4 and resolution 5 will probably conflict....

6. to finish what i have started. i have hundreds of little bottles and packets of all sorts, from creams to conditioners, from perfume to snacks. i also have a list of courses which i have enrolled in but never got around to finishing. i didn't get around to accomplishing this resolution last year, so i'm determined to achieve it this time.

6 resolutions. same as last year.

i have one wish though. please don't throw me anymore curve balls this year. pleaseeeeeeeeee. whoever or whatever is the almighty powers that be presiding high up above, i beg of you to not to give me anymore high hurdles and brick walls.

i have a weak soul.

be happy

2006-12-31T11:53:00.000+08:00

whenever i look back, things always seem to be better. memories happier, life less complicated, even my mood cheerier. this can't be true. if so, i must be falling into a turbulent pool of declining self-worth. it must be my mind playing tricks on me, just like how grass is always greener on the other side.

happiness is not as easy as it seems. when you were a child, all you need is very little. very little to make you smile, very little to make you contented. when have we made ourselves so complicated? why have we made ourselves so complicated? i was told that it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. why then is my face not forever lighted up and that silly grin a permanent feature? god knows i don't have much to be sad about.

i want to be happy. hell, it's one of my resolutions for this year and next. however, i find that i need to make a conscious effort and a whole lot of determination to be happy. i have to wear that reminder like a tatoo on my forehead.

perhaps i have it all wrong. happiness is not laughter, silly grins, jokes and feeling all light and bubbly. that's drunk! maybe happiness is this feeling of peacefulness and confidence that i am experiencing. a deep insight into things surrounding that little will shake my world....

i don't think i'm ready for happiness. to truly know happiness, you must have experienced sadness.

i like where i am.

still, it will be a nice reminder to include 'be happy' in one of my resolutions.....or perhaps 'be drunk' whilst sober is the phrase i am looking for.

resolutions

2006-12-29T11:18:00.000+08:00

today is the last weekday in the year 2006 and most probably my last post for this year.

the end of another year. i guess there are two ways to look at it; depending on whether you are a pessimist or an optimist. we can always look forward to the things the new year promises, or look back on that lost which we have been unable to grasp hold off. i would love to say that i fit into the shoes of someone who looks on the bright side but my heart string tugs at memories past. i guess i will always be someone who will turn and look back once in a while in my footsteps forward.

for the first time ever in my life, i started a list of resolutions at the start of this year. the point of it? maybe to see how much i have achieved in what i set out for myself. those goals aren't impossible to achieve...yet, looking back on the list, i find myself only achieving 1.5 of the 6. darn pitiful, don't you think?

i reflect and it amazes me how much different my sentiments were then and now. simple as they were, i find myself stubbornly reluctant to complete some of the tasks i have set out for myself. all because my heart is no longer in it.

readers must be scratching their head, wondering what my resolutions were. that is not the point. although they are not secrets that cannot be revealed to the light of day, i do not see the point of listing them out, especially when i have failed so drastically.

i shall set out a new list of resolutions here for myself for the new year.

let me ponder on this for a few days; to see what i want for myself for the year 2007.

childish

2006-12-28T08:33:00.000+08:00

let me start by saying i have a very annoying nephew. one with attitude. one who is spoilt to the max. i harbour a secret desire to trash his not-so-little bottom, and i would if i won't get in trouble with the rest of the family.

that little menace had the galls to ask for a $300+ christmas present from this aunty, which isn't necessary a bad thing if he has been a little angel all year round and rarely gets any goodies from his near and dear. on the contrary, of course. $300! hello? i can feed a lot of people with that, you know? families from the flood-troubled johor will be grateful for that kind of donation. whatever happened to a nice book or a new set of stationeries to start the new academic year? he obviously does not understand the value of money. *shaking head* however, this aunty does not want to look like el cheapo by not getting his desire from the nearest toys 'r' us. plus, it does seem pretty unfair that his sisters have already received their presents before christmas and his is still 'in progress'.

i received a phone call from him this morning, bright and early, even before half of you are seated behind your desk. wow! he misses me that much.....not! i never found out the real reason he called me as i decided to come clean before he got his hopes up high. he has just returned from his holiday and after his greeting, i informed him that i have not been able to get his present as toys 'r' us has run out of the stock during the christmas madness. this is where it pisses me off...and hence my ranting in this post. the little boy took on the most dramatic reaction and started sighing and whining. it started with a very annoying "WHA???!!!". oh yes, visions of me wringing his neck came vividly into my mind and my hands itched so badly. i told him that i'll bring him to choose another present soon but he went on and on about how he could have got it in japan during his holidays, if i had told him earlier. sighhhhh! god, please give me patience. i pushed back the blame on him and told him that he could have called me to ascertain that i have not already bought it for him. (this was sparked off because during his last birthday, he asked me to buy an original psp game for him and he later went off and asked his father to get the very same game). he replied very impatiently that japan is too far to make a phone call. god knows how many phone calls i have already received from them! then he hung up! he hung up on me!!!

which brings me here to release my pent-up frustration. he didn't give me the satisfaction of screaming down the phone at him or releasing my childish side by repeating 'i can't hear you, i can't hear you'. he didn't give me the joy of hanging up on him first. maybe i should get him a stink bomb and wrap it up as a beautiful present.

suddenly, i'm reduced to a whining, frustrated childish aunty. sighhhhh!

is he the child or am i?

this wasn't even what my post today was supposed to be about.

just another day

2006-12-27T16:26:00.000+08:00

'twas the day after boxing day when nothing seems to be going right and little ms. me is feeling lethargic and lazy after a rather busy morning, with cries of 'mummy, mummy' going right, left and center all day. my ears are ringing from their pleas for attention and i can still hear their echo even after they have stopped calling. it is a blessing that school holiday is coming to an end soon for i have temporary shrink-wrapped my brain and sent it for storage as i have not been able to exercise it at all during this short restless period.

everything else is quiet all around; the roads are empty of cars and all living things seem to be on holiday. my internet connection is going to the extreme in controlling my access and i'm left with a handful of sites to visit. forget porn, i can't even log into yahoo.

the little master is insistent on not applying sunblock before he goes down to the playground. i am equally insistent that he applies it or he stays at home. now i have a sulking little boy on my hand whilst the reasonable and co-operative sister goes down to the playground. i can hear the faint sound of sniffling coming from somewhere inside his room. sigh! breathe ..... breathe. perhaps one of my resolution for the new year should be to have more patience with a stubborn, opinionated, lazy and mischievious boy. oh oh, i can feel him staring at me with dagger looks.

sometimes, i need some breathing space. as much as i prefer their company to manipulative and phony adults, i sometimes yearn for some time of my own. to think, to chat with friends and to have some fun. the thing with children is that they take up so much of your time and attention. then again, as most people will tell you, they will only do that for a short number of years. sigh! by which time, you'll start wishing that they don't stop clinging to you. the irony of motherhood.

looks like i better go off and do something about those sniffling, before it turns into a major flood.

merry christmas to all

2006-12-26T10:16:00.000+08:00

reminder to self: pleaseeeee write your post for the day before you surf other bloggers' site. each time i log into the net, filled with witty things to write about and smart quips, i leave a little empty after visiting other blogs. it's strange. it's almost like i leave a little of myself in each blog until i return to my own with nothing; my thoughts all muddled, my feelings burried. i forget what it is i wanted to write. sigh!

a merry christmas to all!

i am so humbled by the fact that some of you actually took the trouble to come in here and leave a greeting for me, considering also that i did a m.i.a. (though not on purpose) for a couple of days. i thank you with all my heart, especially those that made a special appearance just for the purpose. i am most happy that i was in your thoughts on this warm festivity.

it has been hectic, to say the least, right up until the very last day. hence, my 'disappearance'. perhaps the absence did me good. blogging has become a very tedious task to me, as i try to satisfy my readers with regular posts. it is not so much the writing, which i still love with a passion, but more of the time and place suited for it. as wise people say; there is a time and place for everything. lately, i have been writing my posts in a hurry and i do not feel that it properly reflects my soul. the words are not mine, merely outpour of a harrassed and tired mind.

as i lay quietly with myself during my absence, i daydream of sitting in the middle of the quiet night, fingers rapidly clicking on the keyboard as i become one with my thoughts. i imagine myself to be a regular columnist with a popular newspaper, furnishing the dailies with short witty tales. it will never be part of my destiny, so i am grateful that at least here in this blogosphere i can live my dream, if only for a little while.

this year has been the most chrismassy christmas in all my life. is it the best? i don't know, it just feels like the most festive celebration of the occasion.

the kids became santa helpers for a couple of days, learning to earn their keep as they go about frolicking in the christmas spirit. i witnessed with my own eyes the launching of the mall's christmas celebration. it was like a call beckoning me to begin my own jubilation.

the first christmas party i attended this year. there were presents, fine wine, laughters and good time galore. everybody went home with a smile in their heart and a memory to add to their chest. during this festive period, almost everyday in the calendar was marked by an unforgettable event. it was truly a celebration to the very last.

the final leg of my christmas celebration.

i return to my place behind the desk with a satiated tummy, a tired body and a contented soul...and a little virus running havoc in my throat as souvenier.

listening with your ears

2006-12-18T09:44:00.000+08:00

over the weekend, i borrowed some friends.

as a result of having spent my childhood years divided between two countries, my friends are now all over the world, separated by distance and time. for those truly fated to remain in my life, i have been able to keep in contact with them or recently locate over the internet. the rest have disappeared, carried away by the wind of change.

i envy people with groups of friends, mostly because i have none myself. especially those that have witnessed your growing up and have been through thick and thin with you. do you have someone in your life that will like you no matter what you say or do? someone that will be your friend no matter how you persistently arrive late for meetings or forget their birthdays? someone who wouldn't be offended by your often frank remarks and honest opinions? someone who lets you be who you are?

i digress.

last sunday i attended a christmas party, cum birthdays party. yes, birthdays. in the plural sense. although i do not know most of the partygoers, it was still nice to be a witness to the group of friends jollying in the festive mood. is there such a word: 'jollying'? there must be. how else would you describe what it is that santa claus does. we sang christmas carols, made small talks and enjoyed the good food. this year seems more like christmas then any other year.

of late, i have been under the impression that i am a lousy communicator. sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings do not come easy to me. however, i recenty realise that it's not me. it is they who are lousy listeners. damn lousy too.

who in the right mind will want to share with someone whose glance keeps sneaking to the doorway, as if expecting mr handsome prince to walk through the door any minute? it really is a pain in the behind, you know, as if i am somehow blind and cannot see the frequent darting of the eyes. if you want to be somewhere else, i will be happy not to keep you.

then there was that lady who greeted me and then stood right there, texting something on her handphone, while i stood in limbo, waiting for her to continue. i was seriously debating whether i should continue walking off!

some have the supernatural powers of retaining the words i say without even using his conscious mind. there will be a delay gap of thirty seconds before the words actually enter into his brain, much like live radio, and he acknowledges them. his reply will return when your mind is already on something else. it is quite an amazing ability, to retain information without actually processing it. then again, i believe this skill is limited only to the male sex. other times, the words are lost somewhere between the distance from my mouth and his ears.

there are those who answer to your whining and ranting with a nonchalant casual reply. hello? i'm being very agitated here and you tell me 'it's like that'? not exactly conducive response to more confidence, friend. there should be a short course on the proper way to a good conversation; the correct place to insert a few 'yes', 'poor thing', 'i know what you mean' and the 'i'm listening intently' look. how all these people will benefit!

so, i tell you, it's not me, it's them. they need to have a good pair of functional listening ears. listening is a lost virtue.

the dinner

2006-12-14T09:53:00.000+08:00

i went for the dinner last night.

as i have imagined, it was a hoot and i had a wonderful time. i always have a good time in their company, maybe because we are of the same wavelength and are as crazy. we laughed ourselves silly, cracking jokes the whole night and gossiping about neighbouring tables. the hostess was extremely late, but we didn't wait for her to begin our lunacy.

after a good night sleep, my brain is a little less warped. just a little less, mind you. i finally understand why i was reluctant to go, despite the fact that i knew i would have a pleasant time. i was a little resentful of her demand on my time, especially when she knew that i would have my hands full with my in-laws here. i had to reject her once previously because of the same reason, and i guess i was mildly put off by the fact that she did not take the hint. what a selfish heart i possess. a kind invitation to a fun night but i was irritated that she took a portion of my limited time with my in-laws.

sigh! seeing the happiness in her eyes and the difference our presence made in her night was enough to remind me not to be so selfish again. often times, we forget about other's feelings and concentrate only on our own; our own inconvenience, our own displeasure. it's so appropriate that i was reminded of this lesson, on this season of giving.

we winded up fairly early as the group adjourned to karaoke and i made my way home. by this time, on normal nights, i would have been rolling half-asleep on the sofa. last night, as i drove home and enjoyed the cool night air and the empty roads, a black honda driving at break-neck speed suddenly pulled up and cruised beside me. i was dumb-founded. what did this guy want? go on, speed away. for a few seconds, there was just me and this car next to me, cruising down the road. i was concentrating hard on the road, but after what seemed like forever, and that stupid car did not continue speeding away, i turned to look at the driver, with a mixture of irritation and curiousity. i can't remember how he looks like, i'm sure he will be disappointed to hear me say. i can't recall if he is fat or thin, with mustache or glasses. it should have made a more prominent mark on my memory, seeing that it doesn't happen too often. however, my mind was foggy and i was a little blur, to put it nicely. with that split second turn of my head, i focused back my attention on the roads and ignored him, a little miffed.

several seconds later, he drove on. my mind half-asleep, i didn't even understand what happened just then. what was wrong with that guy? why did he slowed to a crawl beside me? what did he want? not until he drove on and stuck his hand out of the window and waved goodbye did i realise that the stupid fella was trying to check me out. *rolls eye*

i must be really out of touch. i didn't realise that guys check girls out on the road. idiot. hello? roads are for driving. sheesh! if i could say anything to him, i would tell him to be careful who he picks up on the roads, late in the night. i'm not talking about creatures of another dimension. rather, in the dark of the night, all women look beautiful. lighted by the romantic moon, all women look sexy.

which brings me to an advice i have heard somewhere - a word of caution to all men. be careful of the women you pick up at night. in the morning, when the false eyelashes are removed, the make-up smudged, the push-up bra and supporting underwear removed and the wig taken off, you may get the fright of your life!

konking out

2006-12-13T16:33:00.000+08:00

too many obligations, too many promises, too many year-end catching up to do. what should be a joyous time of the year, meeting up with new friends and old and celebrating the festive occasion is taking quite a toll on me this year, and i haven't even begun to do any of the above! i have so many things marked down in my calendar that i have a hard time keeping up with it.

infact, some were confused over my actual point in the previous post. i must admit, i am not quite sure i am able to clarify either. i just felt something sitting in the bottom of my heart and wanted to pour it all out. at this point in time, my brain is too tired to even function, much less make deeper analysis into what i was ranting about. sorry guys, to bog you down over something that even i do not know what i was talking about. let's move on.

i love christmas, especially this year's. i'll be able to meet up with many different groups of friends, all before this year will be up. it sounds very hectic and believe me, it will be, but for some reason, i'm feeling strangely tired even before any of it begin. i think i'm coming down with something. maybe too many restless nights.

i just need to hold on a little bit longer. pop some vitamin c to keep me going.

i'm tired....and there is still so much to do.

a simple dinner party

2006-12-12T09:12:00.000+08:00

i was recently invited to a dinner party. the body is willing but the heart is weak. usually it will be the other way round but this time i find myself not really looking forward to it. infact, dreading it may be the word for it.

not that it wouldn't be fun. nor the company unpleasant. infact, i bet it will be a barrel of laughs and i will have a good time too. i have yet to solve the mystery for my uncooperative temperament.

i have been mulling it over and wondering if i have any feasible excuse for not attending. normally, a 'my in-laws are here' or 'i've got something on that night' would have been enough. however, this time i feel exceedingly guilty and my conscience won't allow me to say it.

the moment i received her text about the dinner party, i guessed that it was a invitation to celebrate her birthday as the date was too close to be coincidental. it is also because of this reason that i find myself unable to turn her down.

most of us will feel comfortable enough in our own company to be able to keep the celebration of our birthday on a low tune. the mere presence of our loved ones around us during that day would have suffice. a few lunch invitations from close friends will top the icing on the cake but if none surfaced, we will be happy enough to be by ourselves. all that because we do not feel the racking feeling of loneliness, day in and day out.

i don't know. maybe i am reading this wrong but to have to extend an invitation for dinner on your birthday sounds like a cry in the dark to me, a plea against spending it all alone that evening. i have never had to ask others to celebrate it for me and i guess in that way i am lucky. for that reason, my heart bleeds for her. for her desperate cry against loneliness or her apparent inability to enjoy her own company, i don't know. it doesn't matter. as i said, i could be reading this wrong. maybe because i am so aware of the stories in her past that i have misinterpreted her emotions.

anyway, i feel obliged to go. to be there with her when she needs me, consciously or unconsciously. it's better to read too much into this, be paranoid and to travel down the safe path, than to disregard it and forever regret the effects my callousness will cause.

our deadliest enemy

2006-12-11T17:05:00.002+08:00

it's nearly halfway through the final month of 2006 and i have not even had the chance to blink my eye. i haven't even adjusted to calling this month december and it's already half over. whatever happened to my list of things to do for this year? how about my new year resolutions? for that matter, what were they again?

these last few months have been absolutely crazy. i can hardly find the time to blog. events come and pass; all dutily recorded in the camera but did not manage to find their way into the blog. as time lag, the enthusiasm to post about it also pass. moments to sit down and reflect on my thoughts were few and far between. i have a few words i wanted to leave here.....but the moment was inopportune and so i let it pass.

i was reflecting on how time seem to pass even quicker as one age. anyone who has reach 35 will understand the sentiment and echo my feelings. last night the reason suddenly came to me.

it's because as we age, our interests grow. when we were young, all we wanted to do was to play...play...and play. the occasional yummilicious ice-cream here, some sweets there and as much tv watching as the adults will allow. that was all. all we cared about and all we wanted. hence, there seems to be so much time. after mickey clubhouse, what time was it again? 3.30pm. after the smurfs? 4.00pm? some rope skipping.....only 4.10pm?

now, as we grow, we want to do everything. see everything, eat everything, try everything and go everywhere. even our friends have increased manifolds, categorised by the different phases of our lives. there will never be enough time to do everything *looking crestfallen*.

can we slow down time by keeping our life simple then? cut down all our interests and activites and our group of friends? we imprison ourselves at home till the faint smell of rotting whiffs past our nose; then we will know that it is us who are starting to decompose. we look at the clock, and it was but two minutes after we last checked. we sit around with nothing to do but stare vacantly into air. time will crawl by.

what will be the point of that then?

nobody's in

2006-12-07T09:44:00.000+08:00

*knocking on the head*

knock, knock.

sorry, there is nobody in today.....or any other day.

what is wrong with me?

he shuts the drawer and i jump up, wide awake. his joints cracked when he enters the room and i startle from my sleep. do you think i need ear muffs when i hit snooze city? perhaps invest in a good pair of ear plugs created specially for F1 races?

somebody drug me, pleaseeeeee!

i want my sleep. i need my sleep. once i am awake, however, i can't go back to sleep. i'm peering at the computer screen with bleary eyes and a splitting headache. i have forgotten what it is that i wanted to talk about today. my brain has taken an extended vacation for the festive season. i have a thousand things that i need to do, but no energy or willpower to get my butt of the chair to do it.

maybe i need a cup of coffee?

or shopping therapy?

i will be right back when i locate my brain.

a purpose

2006-12-05T15:16:00.000+08:00

i am a lady with a purpose.

do you see the glint in my eye?

today, i have found a new objective; a goal, if you must. i have a purpose in life. ta dah!

from now on, every morning that i wake up, i have something to look forward to. something that makes me want to jump out of bed, something that makes my heart skip a beat. do you have that in your life?

let me relate the story of this life-changing chapter of my life: it was all accidental, you understand, the discovery of my mission. my nieces and nephew were having their friends over for the holiday and i was sent to my mum’s storage room to locate the plastic cups for the purpose. if i had known it was going to be an adventure trek, i would have brought along my oil lamp, map and survival bag.

as it was, i was ill-equipped for the mission into…..THE STORAGE, the boundaries of the unknown. boxes were piled high, filled with the mysterious. creepy crawlies that you have never seen before have made this place their home. scientists will be awe at the discovery of new species but people have been known to go in and never come out.....alive! you scrap away at the thick layer of dust and slime and all you will get are more dust and slime. there is only one sole motto here; if you want it, you will never be able to find it. little invisible elves work in this place to make sure of that and hide everything that you may possibly be looking for, all in the blink of an eye. wha??? i thought it was there a moment ago; that's what people always say.

i am determined to re-organise her store. my compulsive deranged virgo-an hands are itchy to alphabetize and categorise her stuffs. i’m practically rubbing my hands with glee and dreaming of the master plan to put everything in its proper place. ahhhhhh! the ultimate heaven; our new motto shall be – everything right at our finger tips, when and where we want it!

the next question is…..how do I get her out of the house?

my scheming mind is turning already.

the saint - roger me

2006-12-01T14:23:00.000+08:00

i couldn't resist (for those who are lost, read jonzz's comment in the last post)

an honour or an insult?

2006-12-01T10:03:00.000+08:00

words fail to describe my present emotional high at this moment. i am elated, to say the very least. i feel i want to share it here with my fellow bloggers, and let everybody be witness to this joyous and momentous occasion.

i have never in a million years expected this to befall me and i am shocked that i have been given such an honour. *sob*. truth (see ian, i can spell this word correctly now) be told, i have never won any medal or trophy during my schooling years. needless to say, if i didn't win one then, i am definitely not expecting to win one now, especially taking into account my present....ahem! fitness condition.

thus, it came as a total surprise to me to be informed that i have been declared a winner, deserving of a beautiful trophy no less.

sengkor has declared me the champion of some ad-hoc contest that he has held and which, of course, i have no idea i had even participated. this piece of metal is sure beautiful.....what is the words inscribed on it?....wait, let me put on my specs....wha???!?!! the most cruel blogger award?!?!?!? moi? cruel?

he must be kidding! since when have you heard of laughing be labeled as an act of cruelty? is it not a reflex action of the amused? how can exhibiting my artistic talents be considered cruel? was van gogh ever called cruel? ahhhhhhhh! such abuse of the beauty of art. such ignorance. such insult.

sigh! i don't know whether i should hold this trophy up high with pride or stash it in the nearest bin.

however, if someone was to hand me a 20 cents coin, i'm sure i can live up to the name and honour. hmmmmm....this trophy is made of metal...maybe i can put it to good use. anybody spotted sengkor's car recently? *wicked laughter ringing in the air*

note to sengkor: pssst, see the photo above? i have a photo of your car (well, probably one of the three in the background. high likelihood that it is the one with your bag on it) *raise eyebrow* be afraid. be very afraid. kakakakaka.

don't make it my business

2006-11-30T09:10:00.000+08:00

this post is sexually explicit and is not suitable for minors below 18 years of age. if you are a minor, please read with guidance from adults (that goes for you too, ian). LOL.

his wife called me to find out the whereabouts of her husband.

do i look like a husband-locator device? or a private dick? (as in private detective, okaaayyy?) *rolls eye*

i used to be nonchalant about men having action on the go, whilst having the marital ring around his finger, physical or otherwise. well, it was never my business, why did i care? if he wants to dip his stick in another's pot, and his wife tolerates that, who am i to add any comment?

recently however, i seem to have lost my tolerance for this category of husbands, which is on the rise. they seem to be responsible for a whole range of spousal medical problems, ranging from delirium, transformation into shrewness, delusions, hallucinations, suspicions and all in all, mental breakdown. they turn a perfectly good woman into a demented, frightened, delusional tigress. which is all fine still if it's none of my business, but once it trespasses on my peace of mind, it makes me agitated.

i hate husbands who give their wives reasons for such suspicions, or rather, i look down on them. i lose my respect for them. i try to live my life by not judging other people, try being the key word here. i believe that everybody has their own reasons for doing something and we will never understand unless we have walked a mile in their shoes. however, in the pursuit of your own happiness, if you trample on another being's self-respect and dignity, it just doesn't quite jive. if you don't love her anymore or if you are hungering over another piece of meat, let her go.

i know that there is fallacy in my sense of reasoning but it just seems like mental abuse to me. i don't know, maybe i have never been the type to sit, cross my hands and just whine. i have to be pro-active in the things i want or like. i can't wait for it to come to me. so, it frustrates me to see someone be subjected to a situation where they seem powerless and are constantly hounded by it. for me, the answer will be simple; give that jerk the boot! then again, things are never that easy.

men argue that they are not meant to be monogamous. fine really, so stick with your wild crowd of orgies. don't marry a decent woman and hurt her after she has given you a few good years. human beings have sexual longings, it's the natural order of life to ensure procreation. when you are only answerable to yourself, go hump away all night and day. no one cares. however, when you have promised to love only that one (and who asked you to be stupid enough to say 'i do' that faithful day?!), then you should at least have the decency to refrain yourself from your instincts, even if it means putting your little dicky bird under locks and chains or having cold shower every night and day.

and another thing; an orgasm is an orgasm, is it not? with this woman or with another woman. is there such a thing as orgasm with a rating of 1 to 10? i don't know, i'm not experienced enough to tell from a man's point of view. so, if an orgasm is an orgasm, why should it matter if you have it with your spouse or that cute sexy chick walking down the road? she gets you hot and fired up? rush home and look for the one waiting for you at home.

ok, as i've said, i know my naive point of view has many shortfalls and i'm ready for your onslaught of attacking comments. *shrugs* just my point of view, if you may.

then again, it's none of my business, why do i care?

windows

2006-11-28T15:29:00.000+08:00

there are some people who will look at teary red swollen eyes and ask, "err...have you been cutting onions or something?". then, there are those that will sit down, take one glance at the missing glitter in your eyes and exclaim, "whatever is bothering you?".

such perceptiveness is rare, scary even. it should be refreshing to have another person understand your emotions so well, perhaps better than yourself. however, in this cold harsh world, we are so used to hiding everything within our inner core, where access is only by invitation and a key. to have someone be able to see through the windows of your soul, merely by looking into your eyes, is unnerving to say the least.

i have never believed in the phrase 'our eyes are the windows to our soul'. my eyes do not tell tales of the past. when you stare deep inside, all you will see is a dark black (or is it dark brown?) pool of ...retina? you may even be able to see your own reflection but definitely no stories. peeling off my layers like an onion with one look, i don't want.

i'm going to have to close my eyes now.

am i a mushroom or what?

2006-11-27T15:27:00.000+08:00

do i look like a mushroom?

i wish people will stop feeding me freaking bullshit!

it is most frustrating - to look someone in the eye and pretend to accept what they say at face value, whilst deep down you know that it is nothing but crap. you have to mute your conscience and fix a gullible stare in your eyes. all the while, you only want to shout and scream at them for being so stupid, so careless.

i don't know how long i can keep up this facade of naivety. my job scope entails that i know a lot about other people's skeletons in their closet and my usually blur look misleads people into believing so. i do not profess otherwise either.

i am often a good listener...and so people like to tell me things. things which, upon comparison, conflict with other people's version of the story.

sigh! from these various routes comes my knowledge of the thruth. it is how i know they are lying straight to my face. still, i stand there and listen, while they feed me heaps after heapful of bullshit. i sometimes wonder why is it that it is i who cannot look at them in the eye, when it should be the other way around. perhaps it is the fact that i know the thruth and i am purposely (?) misleading them with my silence and because of that, i am also guilty of lying.

i hate lies. lies with good intention and lies of all sorts. i react to a person based on what i know, what i see, what i hear and what i believe. if you say bad things about me, i will be angry. if you are nice to me, i will be happy. it should be a simple equation. imagine if all that is just a farce. what you see is not what you get, what you hear is not the thruth, how then do you react? if everything is not what it seems, how can you form a genuine reaction? even with all good intention, a lie is a lie. if i ask 'am i fat?' and you reply 'no', i may be tempted to wear that short mini-skirt or eat another piece of cake. all the while though, your mind is comparing me to the elephant you saw in the national geographic channel. isn't that betrayal of some sort? perhaps some women like to hear beautiful lies. as i always say, i don't mind hearing lies but never ever let me even have an inkling of the thruth. as it is, the thruth is hard to keep away and so, i rather hear the cold hard thruth.

many readers don't like it when i am serious like this. however, i thought i should at least be true to myself. if this is how i am feeling, this is what i will be writing. nobody will be forever happy, the vice versa also rings true. if i am agitated, you will probably read a rambling post like this. the good thing is .....i feel much better after leaving it all here.

*grins* bear with me.

heart strings

2006-11-24T17:11:00.000+08:00

have you ever had the feeling where your heart really looks forward to an event, yet at the same time you fear it’s arrival? the feeling of anticipation coupled with anxiety, it’s quite the paradox. it simply tears you apart; one side of you yearns to greet it, whilst the other turns the event round and round in your head, analyzing it into tiny molecules.

things are never simple. nor easy. whilst i cannot wait to see her again, my heart is heavy with dread. perhaps i fear what i will see or perhaps i fear the death of my hopes. it should be so straight-forward but maybe i am just a complicated person.

all this may sound senseless to a reading bystander; consider it as ramblings of a person who needs to be at peace. i have forgotten how pain in the heart can be so physically hurting and how the mere act of shopping for her daughter can dig up so much painful memories. memories that was once shared by her and me.

when something goes wrong and you have no way of changing it, your mind blocks out its presence. you pretend it never happened. that is the only way of coping, the only way of continuing. somehow, sometime, however you will be brought back to reality. you will then have to learn the way to cope momentarily with all the sadness..until you can once again shove it back into the closet and close your eyes and mind to the memories.

is this the way to live? is this the way to cope? i don't know, i don't have all the answers. i just do it the way i know how.

it's up!

2006-11-22T08:57:00.000+08:00

these pictures are in response to annie's request for a picture post.

my christmas tree is up! it takes so much hassle to put it up every year, so i thought i'll put it up earlier this time so that i can enjoy looking at it longer before i have to tear it down again.

at the moment, the bottom of the tree looks quite bare. presents for me, anyone?

christmas carols, big dinners, drunk santas, leery party-makers, long list of presents to buy....sigh! it's what the season is all about.

the two little ones are going to be santa helpers at a nearby shopping centre this year and they seem to be pretty excited about it.

it's so hot and sunny here that many people don't feel it's christmassy....but i think christmas is in the heart.

a piece of my thoughts

2006-11-21T09:27:00.000+08:00

beware! those that have been diagnosed by doctors as having short attention span, please jump to another blogsite NOW! there is no turning back beyond this point! for those with weak hearts and high blood pressure, this post may cause dizziness and palpitations. i hold no liability for any medical conditions caused by reading this entry.

i've been fairly quiet recently, i know. i haven't even had time to make my usual rounds to other blogger's site. *gasp!* thousand apologies! i just haven't been in the right mood to write recently, or to boot up the computer for that matter. i just can't seem to find a minute to sit down quietly and pen my thoughts, what with school holiday, spring cleaning and a thousand other chores on hand.

the in-laws are coming! *double gasp!* plus, they will be staying for one month this time round! *triple gasp!* while they are the best in-laws anybody can wish for, i have never had the opportunity to stay with them under one roof for more than 14 days during my entire 11 years of marriage. whilst it is fairly easy to play the part of an obedient, sub-servient, sweet daughter-in-law for short periods of time, it's going to be a challenge for me to be on my best behaviour for an extended period.

"no problem lah!", says the man who smacks his buttocks and leave for work every morning, leaving everything in my hands until he returns at the end of the day. sigh! i do adore having his parents around, but it's undeniably still a challenge for me to keep two elderly people and two whiny demanding kids entertained. it is after all school holiday and the kids have a mountainful of activites all lined up for them. i can't very well leave my in-laws locked at home, staring at each other for hours and go gallivanting, or so it will seem to their eyes, with the kids. before the end of the week, they will start holding picket signs objecting to the mental abuse. nevermind, i will jump that hurdle when i come across it.

annie may find the next paragraph a little bewildering, what with our foreign cultures and all but bear with me. it's nearly the end of the year and many fortune tellers have come out with their horoscope for next year. i must admit that i am not a total disbeliever but my usual absent-mindedness stops me from latching any serious implications to it. it goes in one ear and out the next, as with all things that are repeated to me. i have been told that next year, the year of the boar, is not such a good one for me. i take all that with a pinch of salt, although i will still visit the temple to do the annual rituals, which i do every year anyway, come good or bad. perhaps what is more troubling is the forecast for those born under the year of the dragons; my mother. sigh! it's time like this that i become aware of how i can't shield my loved ones from potential harm, no matter how much i will like to. i will prefer all the bad forecasts to be directed to the boars which perhaps are not entirely fair to the other boars. all types of ugly scenarios flash through this over-active virgo's imagination and i must constantly remind myself not to panic. breathe, breathe. sheesh! what a drama-queen. seriously though, i worry but i act nonchalant so as not to frighten my mother further. this year has already been the worst of my life and i hope that this year will still hold that record when i look back at the end of next year. i don't think i'm ready for more grown up responsibilities yet. i don't quite know how to deal with the heartache yet.

black thursday

2006-11-16T10:20:00.000+08:00

this morning started out as the absolute crappiest (to borrow a phrase from sengkor).

my deep slumber was roughly awakened by somebody informing me that my daughter's ride to school today will not be available. stupid people. they don't know the perils of interrupting a lady dragon in her beauty sleep. *scorchhhh!*

so, i became designated driver today. halfway through the trip, i realised that the car is running dangerously low on fuel and i have a long way to go. whizzing around at 110kmh is hardly the time to suddenly run out of petrol. plus my handphone is blinking 'recharge, recharge'. sighhhhh! it is not a good start to an early morning. still, i ignored the needle as it continued to inch downwards. i seem to have a surreal sense of security that i will not be stranded on the highway as i stubbornly chose to plough on.

amazingly, i survived the trip to school and back, with the car and myself intact (a pose with a sign of victory is appropriate here). however, the mighty powers above decided to test my patience a little wee bit more. the entire morning, i bumped into every table corner, scraped my knee, stubbed my toe and knocked against things like a drunken fool. each time, i took a deeper breath. i'm not quite ready to explode yet.

during my second chauffer round this morning, i ventured into the nearest petrol station, only to realise that i have forgotten the pin number for the petrol card. i know you are listening up there. i think i have enough for today, thank you. i tried a couple of number combinations that were floating around in that grey space but as my luck will have it today, it was rejected. rolling my eyes, sighing as loud as i possibly can, i fished out some cold hard cash to put enough petrol so that the car will behave - for today, at least. i had to go back for my receipt, which i forgot due to the present condition of my mind. if the man behind the glass window had uttered a single remark of discontent, there would have been a massacre there and then! luckily some people know when to keep their mouth shut.

scooting my son off to school, i made a quick detour to the nearest shopping centre to pick up some stuffs. yes, yes. it was written in my destiny today. for some quirky reasons, the road to the shopping centre, and no where else, was jammed pack with cars, crawling mind you, not even moving. by the time the car was able to reach the shopping centre, i had 30 mins before i had to hop on again and take my son home from school! what day is it today anyway?! black thursday the 16th?!

fast forward 3 hours later (thank goodness my house did not collapse during that time or my car explode!) and it's time to pick up daughter again. this time, i realise that my touch-n-go (toll reload card) was bankrupt and i had no other choice but to join the very long queue to refill the card as i pass the toll. just when i was pressing for time, someone must have heard my prayers and decided to amuse themselve at my expense.

i'm barely holding it together at the moment. any possible thing may trigger an explosion of frustration that i have been trying so hard to contain today. i sighed and i sighed. when will this day end?

all things magical

2006-11-14T11:33:00.000+08:00

for those of you thinking of coming in here and tempting me with talks about food again, be warned! food deprivation has transformed me into a raving dangerous lunatic. step on the topic at the risk of your own life!

i am attempting to post a new entry here but the lack of sustenance and nutrients to my brain may make all efforts seem incoherent. nevertheless, try to follow along and pretend you understand what i am talking about.

it's so difficult to be a good mother to children nowadays, especially when they are so clever and intuitive. i like my children to believe in magic, tooth-fairy, santa claus and all that hogwash. it's delusion and manipulation at its best but i feel that it's a happier childhood. to be able to believe that good things do come true and that there is a little magic in the world; it's like looking at the world with rose-tinted glasses - so dreamy and beautiful. therefore, whilst i still can, i will like to preserve the image of a beautiful world for them.

so, my children grew up believing that the toothfairy will pay them money for their teeth, and they look forward to christmas when santa will bring them an extra present, if they are good. even when forgetful ms. toothfairy forgot to collect the tooth under the pillow one time, my daughter held on strong to her faith.

that was then. she's 7 now and the cynical side of her is growing, displacing the innocence. after numerous tooth-falling and cashing in on tooth fairy's deal, she came to me one day with "mummy, tell me the thruth, is tooth fairy real?". being cornered like that, i couldn't lie to her straight in the face. so, i told her what every other mother in my situation would, "go ask your father". men, being men, will never have qualm about breaking a child's bubble. with his answer, my daughter now knows that it is her parents who have been sneaking into her room at night and replacing the tooth with a note. she has been harboring a suspicion for some time now so i guess it is hardly shocking news to her. looking at her cherubic face, i couldn't tell if she was disappointed with the answer.

from now on, there will be nothing magical about dropping a tooth. sigh! i am disappointed. i don't want to let go of my illusions just yet. give me back the tooth fairy! well, at least the 5yo doesn't know about the conspiracy yet, so he'll still look forward to exchanging his milk teeth for cold hard cash.

the 7 yo hasn't ask for the thruth about santa claus yet. if she's a clever little girl, she'll know that she better keep her mouth shut, unless she is ready to give up that extra present.

dying with a 't'

2006-11-13T16:06:00.001+08:00

i’m going to die, with a t!

lately i have been putting on too many pounds, too quickly. initially, when the numbers on the scale started inching higher i gave it a little leaway. nah, it’s just water retention. a little extra weight won’t hurt. it’ll come down in no time, don’t you worry your pretty little head over it. however, when the numbers kept going up, like my age, it’s now time to declare war – on my fats. hey, it’s definitely not muscle that i’m packing in!

today is the first day of my diet! my body is extremely intuitive. mention the word diet, and it screams that it is hungry, even if you have just sat down for a wonderful three-course meal. this nice blogger has already turned into a snarling growling vicious hungry little lady. sob! at 10.30 this morning, i have resorted to eating my lunch. at 1pm, i needed something more; a post-lunch lunch. and now, at 4:00pm, i don’t have any energy left to punch the keyboards. is it time for dinner yet?

why is it that you gain 1kilogram from a 500 grams cheeseburger? where does the weight come from?!! why doesn’t it work like a piggy bank; how much you put in is how much you get? all those complicated calorie counts and carbohydrate theories! it doesn’t make sense! it’s illogical. if you add 100 grams to a box that weighs 10g, it will now be 110gms, right? there’s no calorie or metabolism crap. if my theory was true, everybody will be eating candy floss!! yummmmmy!

shit! this is no way to start a diet – with more talk of food! over the weekend, i have pre-cooked and pre-planned my meals for the week. they are all sitting nicely in my lock-n-lock boxes in the freezer, ready in the press of a button. sounds like wonderful planning, doesn't it? well, there is one huge flaw in all that..and it seems like it's going to be the downfall of my diet. i underestimated the portion size!! darn! two chicken wings for lunch?! bah, i can eat the whole chicken!!wait a minute! i keep coming back to the topic of food!

i need something to channel all my energy into. excuse me while i flip through my magazines (and slash those pictures of super-thin sexy models with my cutter.)

slow dance

2006-11-10T10:08:00.000+08:00

a friend sent me this.....

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask

How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done!

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,"Hi"

You'd better slow down. D

on't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

this poem was written by a young girl stricken with terminal cancer and a limited extension to her life. the words are beautiful, the message strong. what jars me the most is how relevant it is to my life right now, as if the words are written for my eyes. this came as one of those chain-letter mail and being the cynic that i have always been, i take the story with an ounce of salt. however, the thruth in the story is irrelevant here, perhaps most important is the gentle reminder for me to slow down.

this year has been most troublesome for me, as some of you know. i have lost something very dear and irreplaceable, something that i never knew mean so much to me, something that i never appreciated before it was gone. the regret. the sadness. the frustration. the anger. the hopelessness. a multitude of feelings that i have never had to experience. you will never be able to truly grasp my feeling unless you have gone through it personally.

without knowing, the scarring experience has subconsciously pushed me to live everyday harder; to play harder, to work harder and to live life a little harder. deep down there is this nagging feeling that i may be skimming over life, but it is so hard to resist this natural tendency. it's hard to slow down once the wagon has started.

i am guilty of all the things she said. i cannot remember the countless times i've told my kids 'we'll do it tomorrow', only to forget about it. running through next day's schedule just as i am retiring for the night seems like second nature to me now and the last time i remember sitting idly watching kids play was more than a decade back. i always seem to be rushing through today's event in anticipation of tomorrow's.

let this be my wake-up alarm for today.

let this remind me to slow down and enjoy life as it pass.

that b****

2006-11-09T10:42:00.000+08:00

blogging is for people with lots of free time on their hand; time to deliberate on issues and come up with inspiring and touching stories. at the very least, eloquent and well-presented tales. it's definitely not for desperate 'not-quite-the-housewife' type of housewife like me, juggling countless things on my tentacles.

i dream of finding the time to sit in a nearby cafe, sipping hot steamy aromatic coffee whilst i take a walk inside my mind and ponder on my thoughts, clicking on the keys as i go along. what luxury! as it is, my ideas and thoughts die a natural death in their womb that is my brain, even before they are fully formed. cause of death: incessant chatter of children whining for attention.

there is this girl that i know whom i absolutely detest. if it is not for her, i will probably be lounging at the pool, with a tall glass of ice tea in my hand, basking in the hot sun. or i could be in the north pole, going after my dream of seeing the aurora borealis.

instead, she sends me here and there, running on my feet like a dog. even when i am typing out this post, she orders me to the kitchen to multi-task a soup somewhere between these lines. she is quite the demanding freak, like melinda priestly in devils wear prada. nothing is ever good enough, nothing is ever right. sigh!

when someone is in need of hospital attention, that b**** volunteers my attention. sheesh! it's easy for her to say! all it takes is a few words from her golden mouth and i'll be tired to the bones, running around to handle the errands. for once, i sure will like to see her handle it all by herself, instead of plain talk.

during school holidays, which is around the corner again, she dreams of countless activities for the kids and guess who is the poor 'dahling' that has to execute them? i will like to 'execute' her! she is probably the creation of the devil, to keep me on my toes.

if at any point in time i fail to deliver, you can bet that i will sure get hell from her. the never-ending guilt trips, the sarcasm and the 'elbow in your ribs' remark. i am only but one person, cool it, will you?

anybody knows how to drown a CONSCIENCE?

hello, people?! this is the key word! you don't read this, you won't understand the entire post!! it's my conscience, get it?

and this little pig ran all the way home

2006-11-08T10:40:00.000+08:00

this is a screw.

no, it's not the real thing.

it's just a picture of a screw.

the definition of a screw is a shaft with a helical groove or thread formed on its surface. Its main uses are as a threaded fastener used to hold objects together, and as a simple machine used to translate into linear force. It can also be defined as an inclined plane wrapped around a shaft (a word of thanks to the contribution of wikipedia. those who were thinking of a more warped translation, please enroll yourself in a brain-purifying course.)

so, when you see a screw here, it means that it is loose.

there is something, somewhere with a hole in it that doesn't have a screw to hold the things in place.

comprende?

the fact is....this little ms piggy has a screw loose in her brain today.

oink! oink!

what happened to cinderella?

2006-11-07T12:34:00.000+08:00

ever wondered what happened to cinderella after the 'happily ever after'?

the continuation of the story.....

cinderella and prince charming moved into the castle and started their marriage shortly after the beautiful wedding. alas! who was to know that shortly after, a financial crisis loomed and the royal family was thrown out of the palace by a coup. the dashing prince charming was forced to look for work, like any other commoner on the streets. they were poor, but they were in love and they still had each other.

for years and years, they struggled and worked their fingers to the bone to provide a comfortable life for themselves and their five children. cinderella, who had been through a rough life before she became a princess, was used to the hard life and so she continued to persevere, balancing housekeeping with any work that she can find, to earn that extra dime.

prince charming, on the other hand, who was used to all the luxuries in the palace, worked very hard to provide a living too... initially. however, as days passed, the grime of everyday living and the unrewarding efforts disillusioned him. very soon, he turned to wine and gambling, which to his royal form spelt certain doom and so it was that he met his maker shortly before he turned 40.

poor cinderella. she was left all alone to bring up her 5 children. as good as they all were, it was exhausting for a woman to handle. still, she toiled and she hung on.

fast forward to 40 years later....her children are all grown up. there was a lawyer, a teacher, a businessman, all very successful in their lives. finally, all the sacrifices that she had to make have not gone wasted. she was very proud of each and every of them. cinderella is now an old shaky woman, contented to reap the rewards of her toils. unfortunately, as luck will have it, cinderella met with an accident. not one serious enough to claim her life, she should be so lucky, but enough to make her lose the use of her limbs. poor thing!

not to worry, it's time for her to wind down, relax and enjoy the love of her children anyway, i hear you say. it's time that they repay her love and the gratitude of bringing them up. sigh! cinderella has had a very hard life but unfortunately, it doesn't end there.

the lawyer took her in and nursed her back to health. however, the minute that she turned to be naggy and whiny, he gave her the boot! it didn't make a difference to him that all old people are naggy and whiny, he has forgotten all her sacrifices in the blink of an eye. the teacher, upon hearing that the old lady was kicked out of the house, quickly locked his house and drew all the curtains, pretending that his entire family has gone away for an extended holiday. the businessman didn't mind taking her in, after all, he has hundreds of empty rooms and thousands of servants. unfortunately, a quick check with his feng shui master confirmed that cinderella's signs clashed with him and there was a major dark star in her horoscope, spelling certain doom for her in the near future. no, no! death is not good for the family feng shui. so, instead of taking her in her most crucial time of need, he turned a deaf ear too. another son didn't even bother to ask about her condition from the onstart, much less offer his assistance now. the last, but not the youngest, balked at the idea of spending more money on that old lady. after all, she already has one leg in the grave.

what is poor cinderella to do? with a broken heart, she travelled by her loneself to her old dilapidated shack where she spend the rest of her days.

is it me or is there something wrong with this story?

how did you know if you have married the right person?

2006-11-06T15:32:00.000+08:00

i borrowed this title from immomsdaughter, or something to that effect.

i have ten reasons (let's hope i do, i haven't start counting them yet. i'm squeezing the brain cells as we go along) why i know i married the right man:

1. he gives me the very last piece of that juicy bite, if i practice the 'poor hungry saliva-drooping' look jussssst right.

2. he walks 10 miles to do an errand for me so that i don't have to move one step. when i'm too tired to pick-up after the kids, he will (provided there is no other soul around). he knows i'm lazy and he takes it as part and parcel of this wonderful package :-)

3. he not only loves me but he loves my immediate family members too. not one of those fake 'uh huh, i like you too' kind of thing.....unless he is a damn good actor, but i think he really cares about them.....hmmm, well, maybe some of them!

4. he will fight to do the things that he thinks i don't want to do; like driving. or maybe he just can't stand my driving skills......!!!

5. he will prepare breakfast for me....if he doesn't sense any initiative on my part that morning. if i look like i'm up on my toes and moving about in the kitchen, then he'll plod back on his bum and read the newspaper :-) what a good team we are!

6. he has no qualms about spending money on me! and i have no objection to him reaching for his wallet to pay for all my meals. :-D

7. when questioned with 'if your mother and i fall into the sea together, who will you rescue?', he replies my mother, of course. what do you think i am? crazy? i can never love anyone who will give up their old mother for a young and able-bodied wife!

8. okay, i'm racking my brains a little. hmmm....he makes me laugh. the first thing that attracted me and one of the things i appreciate in him. what's life without laughter?

9. when i feel unwell, he takes care of the kids and keep them out of my hair. for a few hours at least, until he sense that i have enough rest...then he'll lower the drawbridge and let the vikings in again.

10. finally. he was and will always be by my side. through thick and thin. through good and bad. through happiness and sadness. through....you get the idea.

previous years, it was all about what he should get me to mark that special occasion. i'll name the thing, or he would venture an adventurous and often not very intuitive guess, and i'll get whatever it was. however, looking back, the gifts didn't bring me a sense of fulfilment or elation.

we spent the whole of yesterday a lot like any other weekend. a little sports in the morning, shopping and movie in the afternoon and roaming around a carnival in the evening. it was no different, yet i felt contented. i feel lucky to be able to spend just another simple day with the people i love and i look forward to the many more to come. corny, huh?

happy anniversary, my dear.

ever wonder?

2006-11-03T16:03:00.000+08:00

ever wonder ............

.....if the blog background that you choose reflects on your personality?

i've taken a test long long ago about which toilet cubicles we choose to occupy reflect subconsciously on our character. don't ask me which is what though as the wind has blown that one out of my mind. since it applied to the toilet cubicles, i'm sure our choice for the blog background will also reflect something about us. the question is what? (by the way, those are circles in my background, not nuts, ok?) perhaps in ah pek's case, it shows that he is adventurous and has somewhat of a problem with his rear end being itchy?

.....why men have nipples?

this one i know as i have bought the book! since men don't breastfeed i guess their nipples are redundant and according to the law of evolution, it should slowly shrink and disappear! pretty much like the tail, i suppose. watch out, men! hold on tight to those nipples of yours!

....what is sand made of?

sigh! i don't know the answer to this one and i needed to...because the children were asking...and i couldn't answer. i actually looked it up...but as usual, the wind came and took it all away from my mind.

....why delicious and scrumptious food are always unhealthy for our body?

vice versa, those that are extremely good taste yucky. like tofu for instance. in its' purest white form, it taste bland and boring, which is good for your health. you can deep-fry it to make it taste better, but that much oil is not good. no no. ice-cream is fattening and clog atteries, coffee is too stimulating and a thick juicy steak may be deadly! is god trying to tell us something? that we shouldn't be enjoying ourselves so much, perhaps?

....why the yong chau fried rice in yong chau doesn't taste like ours?

or so i have been told. and singapore fried bee hoon isn't quite the same over there. neither does a whole list of other dishes that bear a place's name but which doesn't quite taste the same there. even worse, they don't even have that dish there!

....what goes on in my head to come up with all these crappy questions?

if you lean real close and put your ear beside my head, you will hear a whoosh whoosh sound inside. the sound of air circulating in the empty cranial hemisphere. knock! knock! sorry, nobody's home.

enough questions! i am racking my head too damn hard to come up with all these questions.

have a good weekend.

of death and dying

2006-11-02T16:21:00.000+08:00

death is and will always be a morbid topic but what better time than straight after halloween to bring up a topic like that.

everybody is afraid of death. those that say they aren’t are merely putting up a brave front. it is scary….to face the inevitable, the point of no turning back. i guess what is most frightening about it is the fact we don’t know with certainty anything about the beyond. i read somewhere that life is calm, death is peaceful but it is the transition in between that is most upsetting. so true.

from since i was a wee girl, not older than any double digit figure, i remember being afraid of dying. not so much of myself passing on, since i still had a long journey to go back then, but more of my nearest and dearest leaving me all alone in this world. i would cross my fingers before i sleep and wish for eternal life, for me and everybody else around.

having children have had a great impact on these fears. without realization, i no longer deliberate so much on this phobia as i derive an unspeakable satisfaction from watching them grow, day by day. the fear of leaving everything behind for that bright light that comes down from the sky is not as great as my days, and nights, are filled to the brim. almost like i don’t need to look back or regret as i have done all that i should be doing. of course, there are bound to be bad days where i have a relapse and fall back to the old sickness of petrifying fear but they come and go quickly and are seldom and rare in between now.

recently, however, my 7 year old was crying one night, after she turned and tossed and found herself unable to sleep. i had no idea what was troubling her until she said, ‘mummy, i don’t want you to die’.

it is most sobering when a child says that. she has always been told of the reality of death and has even looked death in the face when her great-grandmother passed away many years ago. she took it all in good stride then and i had no reason to suspect otherwise. i was most wary when i recently realize that most movies or tv programmes touch on the topic of death. there is always somebody dying! either by suicide, killed by some goons or by some kind of sickness. it is quite jarring to keep explaining to your child the reasons why so and so’s character has been cut short. a strong desire rise up to simply state that the producer was simply too cheap to pay the actor for a couple more shots, which in long chinese serials are sometimes the case.

i worry about her, such a precocious little mind on such a small body. how i wish i can take away her uneasiness and her fear. but how can i when death is something that we cannot predict and is as certain as taxes?

then i remember i was also once like that and i think it’s just a normal part of growing up.

all about having fun

2006-11-01T11:16:00.000+08:00

i know, i know.

most malaysians do not celebrate halloween. it's neither part of our custom nor tradition. however, when do we need custom to have fun?

yesterday night was all about that - having fun. who cares what the occasion marks or what it is suppose to represent. to this big kid, it was just another excuse to dress up, let my hair down and go crazy a little. true, i could have let the kids dress up in their halloween costumes and just act the part of chaperon, but where is my share of the fun? what is the point of life if we don't have fun along the way?

the place was right.

the time was right.

we had little spiders, firemen, witches, ghosts, draculas.....anything that rocks your imagination. one mother came in her bathrobe, complete with the towel around her hair! it was a hoot!

the children ran from door to door, ringing on bells for their treats. watching them light up with excitement and happiness, i was grateful to be a part of it - the energy, the silliness, the variation from our daily routine.

i have been celebrating halloween for many years now, from the days when the neighbourhood has yet to hear of such a celebration locally, to now, where it's rampant in most expatriate housing areas. all i had to do .....was gate-crash :-)

for those of you logging in here to catch a glimpse of how i look like.... here. the close-up wasn't satisfactory, blame it on the photographer, so i can't share it with you

how often do you get supergirl, cleopatra, queen amidala and the local neighbourhood ghost posing together for a photo?

i'm all ready for the onslaught of all those 'ghost face' comments you guys were saving your bullets for. hey, you were the one who gave me the idea for my costume!

sick tales from a sick person

2006-10-31T10:05:00.000+08:00

we have a winner!

poohbearee managed to beat all the contestants hands down with her simple "the netherlands ?" *grumble grumble*, putting a very abrupt stop to my travel quiz game *grrrrr*. my 2nd post entitled "more hints" have been shelved indefinitely due to some unforeseen circumstances *mumble mumble* (pssst, poochie, nobody was suppose to win at such quiz contests)

to reward her intellect, i have decided to turn her upright, so that the blood will stop gushing to her brain. ohhhhhhhh..... that's why she is such a clever little girl!
yes, poochie, that's your prize for this round.

waitaminit! who is that shouting "cheapskate" from the back there? *engaging shotgun* okay, okay. *rolls eyes and then rummaging in luggage filled with smelly unwashed laundries* our first prize winner deserves a better recognition. poochie, your reward for such brilliance will be a clog-shaped fridge magnet, imported all the way from amsterdam, air-flown in economy class and wrapped with delicate care for protection (read: wedged between smelly clothes). i'll hold your prize until we have a chance to meet or it disintegrates into cheap dust, whichever comes first. you know how fragile those things can be, probably made from china too.

despite the obvious mood-killer, i'll be showing you the rest of the photos, with more obvious hints to where i have been. the pancake, mind you, was muchhhh bigger than my face. and it was delicious, with a capital 'd'.

i learnt a little about the history of the place; how the dams came about, how it progressed over the years and a little about anne frank, the poor holocaust victim whose diaries were made popular to bring attention to the horror imposed on the jews during the nazi period. i witnessed the actual working of a windmill and tasted some horribly yucky goat cheese. i learnt the fine skill of artfully dodging bicycles coming from all directions while keeping another eye out for trams, motorcycles and cars. lastly, i mastered the method of drying my jeans in the toilet hand-blower after a huge rain soaked me from head to toe and caused me to run around with damp jeans for the rest of the day.

it was a beautiful trip.

one not too pleasant part though. you know all that crap about listening to your body when you eat? let your mind tell you when you are full and you'll stop eating? the best way to a trim and fit shape? it's crap, ok?

my two best friends, m and b (for people with no idea who i am talking about, please refer back to my previous post) had a big fallout during my trip. m says enough, infact was shouting until her throat was all hoarse and painful. b, on the other hand, was having the time of her life, gulping down all those fine food. sheesh! m said "eat one more bite and you'll puke, my dear ". b whined "just one more, please. pretty please? i have to try that raw herring. and that fries dipped in mayonnaise, what is that all about? i can't come all this way and not try it?" m said "let's continue walking to that palace. i want to see those beautiful decoration" which b immediately replied with "are you crazy? we've been walking the whole day? why don't you try it yourself? i want to sit down in this cafe here and have a cup of hot tea, you can walk all your want". if you hear the two at it, you'll understand why i have distanced myself from them. crazy loonies!

enough about that. i am very excited today. despite the foggy brain, the blocked nose, the scratchy throat and the blurry intellect...oh sorry, the last one is a predetermined condition. today is my day!! whoppee! yipee!

today is halloween! the day when i get to come out as i am, ghost face and all!

i'll be going trick or treating when the night falls. okay, okay, i'm a little too old to be going around begging for sweets. thruth be told, my main purpose tonight is to go around scaring all the adults and children out of their wits! i had a little dress rehearsal yesterday afternoon, and i had to send my little tyke in to warn my mum before i made an appearance. yes, i thought i was pretty scary, especially if i was standing still by the roadside on a dark quiet night.

look out for pictures tomorrow.

pussycat, pussycat, where have you been?

2006-10-30T10:45:00.000+08:00

i'm back.

yes, that is pretty obvious, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this.

i brought back souveniers, dear readers, to compensate for the irreparable damage my absence has done to your soul. bags after bagfuls of ........germs. millions and zillions of microscopic bacteria. cough! cough! krekkkkkk....choo. anyone want some?

ok, i've done it again. i fell sick during my undercover mission. i always do. that's why it sucks so much. i'm so sick of sneezing, wheezing and coughing when i should be relaxing and enjoying. i hate feeling groggy, like having a water balloon sloshing around in my head, when i should be all perky and excited. most of all, i want my taste buds back!

i guess this is what happens to people who others deemed are fortunate enough to go for undercover missions. whoever it was who has been doing voodoo on me because of their envy, you can quit right now, ok? i'm back and i'm miserable now.

still, i'll live.. *wipes snort on sleeves* ...to tell the tales of my travel.

the country was amazing. it was an 'eenie meenie miny moe' pick but looking back, i think it was a wonderful choice. i've never thought much about this place, as everybody knows it by what it is famous for (which i shall keep silent about for the moment so as not to spoil the quiz question at the end), and to most, that seems to be all there is to it.

that was far from the thruth, as my visit there opened my eyes to its beautiful architecture, the historical facade of their buildings and the stories that lie within. even the ambience of the place was enough to knock me off my feet. it just felt so good to be there, in the presence of true beauty, both inner and skin-deep.

i was told, by my research papers measuring inches thick, that the people there are most attractive. i'm not one for people-watching, or rather face-watching, but once i turned my attention to the citizens there, going about their daily routine, it surprised me that i was looking at dropdead gorgeous people every other step of my way. can you imagine bumping into tom cruise, minus the height imperfection, or alicia silverstone everywhere you go?

ok, these two weren't the best samples i've seen but i had to be discreet or risk spending a night in the local jailhouse, holding a toddy for warmth, or worse the resident butch sex-offender for company.

all in all, it was a beautiful trip, save for this irritating cold.

so, my dear friends, where did i go?

in anticipation

2006-10-22T20:43:00.000+08:00

the bags are waiting in the hallway. everything is ready to roll on the word 'go'. the travel books and thick research papers are all packed and within hand-reach and the emergency medical bag is stocked up for unforeseen circumstances.

the place will be alien to us. the people, the language and the culture will be foreign. i will no longer be able to hide behind my comfortable routine and will be forced to face new adventures every minute of the day. whilst it is both scary and exciting, what i look forward to the most is breaking free from all the constraints of schedules.

i will no longer have to look at the watch to know if it is time for lunch. my growling stomach will remind me. i do not need the ticking clock to tell me if it is time to head for my next destination. i will move on when i have absorbed all the pleasure each place offers. i do not need to know when it is time to sleep or wake up. my body will be the indicator.

i can stop and look at the beautiful flowers as the gentle breeze carries its sweet fragrance to me. i can sit at leisure and watch the people walk by, without having to bother about rushing to meet my next appointment. i can walk slowly along the streets and admire the magnificent architecture, which is rich with its history. i can enjoy each mouthful and savour its taste.

i can be me.

you should be so lucky!

2006-10-20T11:27:00.000+08:00

before i start today's post, i just need to say this...some of you may have realised that i have been seriously lacking behind in commenting on your posts lately. i always seem to be late.

sigh! in the morning, i have to juggle my never-ending work and bring you the latest updates in my blog. in the afternoon, i am stuck with a non-existent internet connection, which makes logging in hardly worthwhile. in this day and age, who else in this entire blogosphere logs in at a mere 4800kbps, hands up please? snail mail is faster, believe me! if i didn't manage to sneak into your blog before the bewitching clock strikes 12, i have to wait until the next day again. i'm cinderella-of-the-blogosphere. often times, i do crawllllllll in when i have some time to spare but the connection makes commenting in your post seem like a mountainous task. until i have a decent lifeline to the world wide web again, please bear with me.

on with today's post....

i have a butt fettish. i like butts and when i see them i like to pat, pinch and bite them. grrrrrrrr! however, i am most picky about my choice of butts. it's not the size that matters nor the shape. round ones, shapely ones, perky ones, i don't give them a second glance.

it's not the sex of the owner either. i don't quite mind if it's a he or a she. rather, my criteria is based on person whose butt is attached. you should be so lucky if your choice of butt is of my liking, for i am most choosy. i don't go for any tom, dick and harry's behind. if i like your butt, it means i love you :-) so, you should be thanking your lucky stars if i pinch your butt! ha! my teeth are itchy again! grrrr...!

bet you didn't think i will post that here, did you? wakakakaka. to more serious stuff....

i'm running away again. i've accepted another undercover mission and will be missing for the entire next week. i know my faithful readers will find this period hard to pass (barf bag anyone?) but for my sake, bear with it for a little while, ok? i understand; life will seem meaningless, the sun will shine less brightly (hey, that's the haze's problem, not mine, ok?) and the days will pass slower.....but i will be back, i promise.

i'll bring photos of this country i'm infiltrating and bagfuls of fresh air as souveniers.

in the meantime, hold your breath until i'm back!

Gallantry? What's that?

2006-10-19T13:26:00.000+08:00

there seems to be a recent epidemic going around. infact, almost all of my readers have been inflicted with this deadly disease, CAMEL (Curiosity About M E’s Looks), which is quite worrisome actually. i am not too definite about the how, why, where and when but i know that there is no known cure. all i can recommend is to take 2 panadol, take lots of rest and fluids and don’t call me in the morning.

this affliction is rather strange actually, since i am no sweet young thing, bobbing and popping away. hello? this is a 35 year-old non-anti-gravity mother-to-2-kids we are talking about. are you expecting a teri hatcher housewife lookalike perhaps? there is nobody perky and bouncy staying here, sorry, you have the wrong door. so, stop being fixated about the way i look and concentrate on the words here. otherwise i will not be showing you my halloween costume. :-p

back to today's topic.

gallantry is dead. i tell you, gallantry is dead!

today started out with a male versus female 'see who can show up the latest' meeting with friends. as usual, i lost by a small margin, no thanks to my watch, which keeps giving me the correct time no matter how much i adjust it. the male sex does not seem to have any misgivings about keeping the ladies waiting nowadays. yes, i know of a blogger who can testify to that! what happened to the days when men should turn up before the ladies, if only so that she won't be all alone in a strange place? gone. the answer is it's gone with the times.

i'm old fashioned perhaps? however, i have not been trained in the art of self-defence and have no confidence that i can outrun the baddies, so it will be nice to see a familiar face around. especially since i was carrying a big box laden with 10 heavy bottles today. which brings me to my second proof of the death of chivalry.

today i was faced with the task of carrying that load two stories up and the darn lift and escalator chose the perfect timing to stop operating. as it was, the load itself was a challenge to my dainty ...*ahem* built but to carry it up, teethering on my heels, up the stupid escalator steps? i freaked out in the middle of the first flight. incase you have forgotten, i am altophobic and yes, i get crazy when i travel up the escalator without holding on to the hand-rail. both hands holding on to that heavy box, i was of course not accorded the comfort of that security. step by step, as my legs shaked and i cursed under my breath, i made my way up. i was so tempted to stop half-way, take out my heels and walk up the steps barefooted. that alone would have been a big enough challenge for me. sigh! why must things that are so easy and simple to others be so hard for freakish me?

as i said, after the first flight, i lost my grip on sanity. there is no way i will do a repeat for the second flight, no matter how much anybody pays me. i rather sit on the nearest stool until rescue comes in the shape of habitually late friends or i rot to death first. so, i planted my bottom on the nearest chair and sat there like an idiot whilst everybody walked by.

not long later, i spotted a security guard...who looked pretty able-bodied to me. not mr muscles, mind you, but i am sure he can manage a tinyyyy box like that up one flight of stairs. so, with my super powers of attraction, i tried to mesmerise the guard into helping me carry that box. of course it cannot be an outright request, you understand; i must make the idea seemed like it came from him.

me: hello, when will the escalator start moving?

guard: soon.

me: ohhhhhhh. this box is tooooo heavy for me to carry upstairs. *pouting slightly*

guard: *smiles and walk off*

me: !!!!!!!!!!!

this guy must be really dense, otherwise my charisma must be on leave today. so, this idiot sat there, whilst more strangers gawked as they walked by, until the escalator was switched back on. infact, one nosy man actually walked closer to sneak a peek as to the contents of the box. sheesh! chivalry 0, nosy busybodies 1.

i tell you, gallantry is dead!

the uncoding of ME

2006-10-18T11:00:00.000+08:00

this post is dedicated to jonzz and annie, and to the rest who have been wondering about my avatar but have been to shy to ask, for fear of looking like a fool. kudos to the two who didn't mind being stuck with such a label. *grins*

this morning i felt a chill when i woke up, as if someone has been walking on my grave.

as i surfed the net, i understood the reason for this unsettling feeling. someone has been messing with my picture. you know, the one in the avatar. it's as if someone is doing voodoo on me, or should it be ME, complete with pins and needles. only this time, it's complete with paints, fake housewife hair-dos and imaginary stilletos. i'm flattered, to say the least. mummyyyyyyy! i am famous now!!!!!!!! anybody wants my signature?

apparently, jonzz has lots of free time on his hand and he has come up with interesting versions of the morning innocent and demure ME and the night rocking and jiving (only, it doesn't quite have the happening look, more like a forsaken house-wifey look) ME. not to be beaten, the rather blur annie has also pasted my avatar all over her site. thanks for the attention guys, but first, you have to grasp the correct idea. i'm no stunted-dwarfed-cartoon-character. i may be bald, neckless and fingerless, but i think i'm fairly well-proportioned.

annie sees me in stilletto heels. i know we come from different parts of the world but i honestly cannot see any stilletto in the picture, no matter how many times i turn the picture 360 degrees round and round. i can only imagine the supposed stillettoes are the pointy ends but why does it start from my chin? that's american education for you, teaching one to think out of the box. i probably should register for an art appreciation course in harvard right away.

jonzz, you are as bad. levi's all the way to the head? and sharp pointy ends as legs? you people are making me confused about my own avatar.

ok, before someone starts drawing me tatoos and punk hair-styles, let me give you an enhanced drawing, to show you which is where.

better? i have a sneaky feeling that annie has long grasped the concept of my picture but persists in pulling my leg. which is fine really because i have such short stubby ones. any assistance in that department will be greatly appreciated.

i don't think there will be anybody left in this whole wide blogosphere who still cannot comprehend my avatar. however.......annie's is rather blur, or so she claims, and i do have my reservations.

so, for annie............

this is what ME was doing in the avatar. see? no stillettoes, ok?

sheesh!

a virtue forsaken

2006-10-17T16:51:00.000+08:00

patience is a virtue.

yes, we have often been reminded that, even from young. good things come to those who wait….….blah, blah, blah. as you can see, i don’t even have the patience to finish that sentence.

strange. i’ve never thought of myself as impatient. short-tempered maybe, but even that has mellowed as i age. lately, however, i notice that i have a tendency to rush through everything. if my computer can speak, it will tell of the cussing and ‘accidental’dents that it has received for its’ sometimes temperamental and slow performance.

the first that went, i think, was probably my handwriting. i have forgotten exactly when my beautiful penmanship has degenerated into a time-rushed physician-like scribble. heck, even my 5-year-old’s handwriting looks better than mine. maybe i have the makings of a doctor! anyway, hence i no longer send letters via snail mail, or even pen memos for that matter. the keyboard has saved me a lot of harassment and hassle from weak-eyed pathetic individuals.

everything else came in a rush. my speech rushing to catch up with the speed of the train. even during my secondary and university years, the teachers had to constantly remind me to read at a more leisurely pace. hell, i can’t be held responsible for those slow-brained people listening. they have got to learn to buck up and catch up with the flow! professors are not excluded as well. *ahem!* it would have been nice if i had the courage to tell them so in their face then, and not just nod meekly.

cleaning and beauty rituals are not excluded. i believe spending five minutes making the same circles around my face in the exact same spot will not make it any cleaner than a 30-seconds super-turbo enhanced wash. standing under the shower for 45 minutes will not make me smell any nicer either, so why bother? if you've already washed all the nooks and crooks, you've already washed it! get out of the shower already!! forget about the massaging part, creams are literally just slathered on and left there to dry whilst i go about my other stuffs.

i used to enjoy reading novels, all curled up on the couch with a drink and a good book. now i speed read and skip all the 'non-essentials'. flip, flip, flip.......forget about all that description of the scenery, let's get on with it. not kissing her yet? flip, flip, flip some more. just like when i watch korean series on dvds. you know how slow those romantic lovey-dovey scenes can be, right? i can keep my finger on that darn fast-forward button for 15 minutes straight and the handsome actor hasn't even muster the courage to tell the girl he loves her. sheesh! i don't know why i still watch them.

eating is the other thing. i really don’t see why i have to chew one mouthful a hundred times if my stomach is suppose to be doing the digesting into molecules anyway. should i be spoiling that lazy insolent thing? most days, i finish my meals way before others and i sit idly by, twiddling my thumbs as they are still patiently munching on their food. the hot steaming soups are the worst but still, in it goes in a gulp.the roof of my mouth is so used to scalding by now. recently i've realised that my shoulder muscles are most tensed when i'm shoving spoonfuls into my mouth. stressed even whilst eating? help! i really need therapy!!

where am i rushing to? i don't really know. i will like to slow down. i really would.....but i can't. maybe there are just too many things i will like to do and they just can't wait. too many things to try. too many places to see. to many food to eat.

sorry, i have to rush off now for the next thing on my agenda..

stories from beyond

2006-10-16T08:37:00.000+08:00

i confess.

i was abducted by aliens over the last couple of days and hence the disappearing act. i did my very best to escape from their grasp, in a bid to return to my faithful readers as soon as possible. breaking free from my bondage, i jumped into the first hatch that i saw and ......found myself floating in outer space, where i drifted aimlessly for a few days. *sob* you just can't imagine the terror i went through. bit by bit, inch by inch, i swam my way back to earth. the experience was just too traumatic to recount.......... not convinced?

ok, let's try again. as a result of over-exposure to the intense haze over the last week, some of the smoke and harzardous content has crept into my cranium, causing an immense build-up of pressure in the cavity, a condition the doctors have termed as 'brainofoggy'. i was unable to focus and the sensation was likened to having my head in the clouds all the time. i spent the last couple of days drifting in and out of sensibility and normality. in the end, an ingenious doctor placed a low-voltage vacuum cleaner near my ear, which managed to suck the haze out of my brain and sent me on the slow but sure path of recovery. better this time?

actually, blogging is a very intense feeling. you breathe, eat and think blog. whatever you are doing, you will be thinking whether it is good blogging material and are constantly visualising how you should put it all down in black and white. you abandon all your other favourite pastimes. heck, you even forsake your job and responsibilities. so, once in a while, you just feel like the need to get away from it all....to have a piece of your life back. perhaps it was just blogger's block. anyway, i'm recharged and ready to go again.

sunday was my usual day for the 'b' game. i won't say the name of the game here because i don't want to attract the attention of people who are surfing the net for serious information about the sport. hey, here's another site about badmi........what the heck! it's just gibberish!. get the idea? anyway, i was talking to HD about the finer points of the game......ahem! actually i was just wondering why i am not getting a good grip of the racket when an eavesdropping man decided to poke his head in and answer my questions himself. who says i am not a cutey pie?! so far, my irresistible power of attraction has pulled in two hot-blooded, albeit a little too old for me, men from the vicinity of my magnetic charisma! perhaps they just cannot stand watching my flailing antics around the court and how i run around like a tired puppy. gosh! the lengths that these men will go to in order to find an excuse to talk to me! *grins*

i am pretty convinced that malaysia will soon evict me from the country and reclaim my citizenship for i am the last and only adult here that cannot play a decent game, no matter how much pointers or advise. however, i will stick to it.........until i find something else that i can do with more grace and dignity, and win HD by a far cry.

hmmmm....where is that box of pictionary again?

i am addicted

2006-10-10T14:58:00.000+08:00

it all started with the problem of waiting.

i was surfing through my routine reads this afternoon on an snail-paced connection line. being the typical multi-tasking woman that i am, i was not contented to sit idly by whilst the computer loads the pages bit by bit, or is it byte by byte?

anyway, i opened up a game that i have long abandoned - minesweeper, to help me pass the time as line by line of information is being transferred. beats nodding off, i figured. by the third blog though, i was hooked. damn! i have forgotten how addictive this game can be. all those office hours idled away behind the monitor, as i clicked on the small squares and tried to look busy at the same time. hours spent trying to figure out where those mines were until i dreamt of them at night.

i'm sorry, i have no time for an update today. i have to get back to my computer. errrr....urgent matters are awaiting me.

hasta la vista!

a moment

2006-10-09T12:09:00.000+08:00

were you there?

i was part of the 15,000 crowd, bopping and jiving the night away, dancing to the songs that the 'forever-25' man was belting out.

to be frank, i'm not a dedicated fan of his. heck, i don't even know how to sing any of his songs. however, like many other 30+-year-olds, i grew up on a healthy dose of his melodies, playing in the background whilst we go about with our studies.

i went for lacking of something better to fill the nights. the enthusiasm didn't hit me like it did for michael jackson and andy lau's concert. i wasn't exactly climbing over chairs to get a better look at his 50+ wrinkled face. however, i must say, this is the best concert i have been to so far.

when you think of him, perhaps most people will think of his ever-expanding waistline, droopy-with-age face and descriptions such as over-the-hill and ex-superstar. when he starts singing though, all you can think about is how perfect his tunes are and how strong his voice comes across, a far cry from the recent up and coming singers. his music carries you away with him, leaving behind time and age. in a little while, you forget that he is 54 as he brings you into his world.

the real concert began when he was called back by thunderous shouts of 'encore' from spectators that persistently refuse to leave, even after the stage light was shut down. he re-appeared to share with us his love for music. everybody was invited to the front of the stage, people from all grades of tickets, where they began dancing and rocking to his songs. we could feel his passion for the music and he could feel our energy. the moment that the concert was officially over was the moment that the fun started. he could be there to give us a few more songs or he could leave. so could we. we knew that and he knew that. however, all of us wanted to catch hold of the magic for a moment longer. a moment where we forgot everything else in the world, except the fun, the energy...and the music.

even the elusive moon sneaked a peek from his heavenly perch.

where did the moon go?

2006-10-07T10:06:00.000+08:00

was it me?

or did the moon disappeared last night?

i had the feast of a dinner for moon-lantern festival last night. the whole table was laden with scrumptious mouth-watering food. it was a matter of which food takes priority over others before my appetite was satiated.

sad to say, it was a lantern festival like all other years. we didn't cause havoc or burn down the house, for fear that the insurance premium will be raised. we didn't roam the streets with our lantern because we didn't fancy being knocked over by cars blinded by the haze. we didn't get drunk and sing chinese melodies at the top of our lungs.

however, we did have a mini-concert by the children, coerced and forced into performance by their wicked mother/aunty. that's me, by the way. we did pig out on the array of food. we did light up some lanterns and nearly ended up burning one of them. we did yak, yak, yak the night away.

it was very nice.....but where did the moon go? we hunted for it the whole night and even sent out a couple of detectives to track it down. it was no where in sight, that beautiful larger-than-normal and very round luminous moon. hidden behind the thick cloud of haze.

sigh!

watch out!

2006-10-06T10:08:00.000+08:00

snarl!

for those on the move today, watch out for a rabies pig. grrrrrrr! today, i bite! *chomp*

i'm in a snarling mood, not exactly a nasty angry disposition but i just feel like snapping. so, don't pat me on my back if you'll like to keep your fingers.

maybe it's this diet that i have been for the whole week which is causing me to loose my grip on sanity.

or maybe it's the fact that the weighing scale went the wrong way this morning after i pigged out on what i thought would be a protein diet last night.

perhaps i have been doing too long without a cup of coffee....

maybe a break from the routine is what i need.

whatever.

grrrrrrrr!

happy moon-lantern festival to all. *snap*

aliens with noses on their head

2006-10-05T13:29:00.000+08:00

gasp!

two posts in a day?! even before some regular readers have a chance to comment on my first post for the day, out pops the second one. hey guys, you are slacking, man! pick up the pace! :-) i have no choice, you see. extensive surveys have showed that my readers prefer short and sweet posts from me, so what is a girl to do? break it into a few posts! haha! ingenuity to twart the system. then again, most of you will choose to read the latter post and just ignore the earlier. don't you dare! now, scoot, go back and read the first one.

have you ever read las montanas' post on something that he has forgotten to bring along which has actually became a part of him? eeeek! today, i suffered the same fate. i felt so vulnerable and naked without it. so lost. no, las montanas sir, i cannot live without it. especially today. without my belt, my pants keep slipping down. i was in such a rush to go out today that i have forgotten to put on my belt. i am left hanging on to my pants, literally! so, if you read in tomorrow's newspaper of a girl who was shot in a bank robbery, simply because she refused to raise both of her hands up when the robber demanded so, you'll know it's me. hey, i've got my dignity to protect!

actually, today i had the misfortune to step into a damn snooty and snobbish place. you know, the ones where they have their noses on the top of their head? i don't know why they were created in such a strange physical shape, but i guess it's useful for them when holding their noses in the air. it didn't help that i was dressed in tees and jeans. hey, that was an improvement from what i was wearing this morning; i don't think they appreciate people walking into their building wearing negligees.

anyway, dressed in slipping pants and a simple tee, i entered into the financial institution. for goodness sake, it was just a bank, not gucci or emporio armani. an officer of the bank, in an earlier phone coversation, had directed me to the first floor for the relevant services i required. i walked straight in, and upon seeing an escalator heading upstairs, i made my way there. i was promptly stopped by one of those strange creatures with his smelling organ on the top of his head. apparently, the escalator that leads to the first floor doesn't take one to the first floor. go figure that out! looking around and spotting the sign 'premier banking', i understood the reason why. from my dressing, apparently he could guess that i was not a 'premier-banking' customer. nevermind that it was a gucci t-shirt, you idiot! ......erm, actually it wasn't.

anyway, i took the lift to the first floor. aha! so, take note please, everybody. an escalator doesn't take you to the first floor, only a lift does. *scratching head at the strange reasoning*. apparently, people in this bank has some beef about the way i am dressing today. the relevant department i was sourcing out was also not convinced i had matters pertaining to their department.

me: hi, i've come to ask about this* service (*this denotes the relevant service)

man: *looks me up and down* (i seem to be getting that a lot!) *man stammers to get the correct reply out*...........

me: whatttt?! the sign on the door says this is the correct place! you don't know about the service you provide ah?! (speaking in my mind only, mind you. but if he had stammered and stared at me a second longer, i would have rammed those words down his throat!)

anyway, all's well ends well. a lady who was not so biased against appropriate attire served me to my satisfaction. this serves as a reminder to people out there: when you next visit a financial institution, please put on your slickest armani suit or your sexiest dior evening gown. failing that, please stick all your platinum credit cards and $100 bills to the surface of your body. don't forget to cover your face with that title deed or motor vehicle registration now. all to show that you have a little money to your name.

sheesh!

speed

2006-10-05T10:09:00.000+08:00

imagine this......

your car is travelling at 140kph, the window is down and the wind is blowing in your hair. the music is rocking away at full blast and you are jiving as you drive. ahhhhhhh! sounds heavenly?

not for me.

my top speed is at 100kph. for some strange reason, i have been born with an in-built speedometer. scientists are waiting in line to turn me into a biological sample to examine in depth this potentially cost-saving trait. i don't even have to look at the dial to know i have reached that speed. my heart will instinctly start pumping to the speed limit - 100 beats per second. my palms will start to sweat and my guts turn into chicken shit. i meekly signal to merge into the traffic on my left. coward!

i can't help it! flashes of those flying watermelon safety campaign commercials automatically replay in my brain when i hit that speed limit. my fingers start to twitch and my brain tries to override my hands, asking them to jerk the steering wheel. what is my brain trying to do? get me killed?! with manic suicidal hands like these and a crazy cranial accomplice, it's better if i just stay in the middle lane. yes sir, you can take over. it's ok.

you know how all the cars slow down to a crawl when they reach the toll-house, even when they have the auto-detect smart tag? then, after they have been beeped, everybody just floors the accelerator and rushes like lunatics to be the first. you know what that reminds me of? little sperms rushing out to be the first one to reach the egg.

now, you'll never ever look at the toll-house in the same way again *grins*

it's back!

2006-10-04T10:57:00.000+08:00

from a distance, i could see a friend walking towards me.

as he walked nearer......

me: hey there! i haven't seen you for quite some time. how are the kids? and your missy? we really should get together soon. catch something to drink, talk about old times. what do you think? i really miss the group.

him: who the hell are you??!!!

me: *pushing aside the thick haze infront of me* ......wha??!!! sorry!

for those who are not presently in the heart of the malaysian city center, amen!, we are under seiged by a blanket of thick white and smelly smoke. gone is the malaysian skyline, gone are the famous twin towers. infact, my hand right infront of my face has also done a disappearing act.

once, it used to be headline news when we were attacked by this invisible monster, describing in great details the source of the smoke and the risk rating we were in. now, it's old news that just barely makes a small section tucked away somewhere in the corner of the dailies. we don't know why, we don't know how. here today, hopefully gone tommorow (cross our fingers). meanwhile, can i hold my breath?

some of you were enchanted with my photo-taking skills recently. ahem! as today's entertainment, i bring you a picture of the malaysian skyline, complete with the towering skyscrapers and the majestic kl tower.

i swear it's all there. you just have to strain your eyes a little bit more to see them. all part of malaysia's reality.

cough! cough! cough! choke....... *fainted*

nearly

2006-10-03T16:33:00.000+08:00

i nearly had the time to post an entry.

but now i have to run. i have to go play with the little master, who is sitting on the floor, whining and crying.

a few pointers

2006-10-02T10:47:00.000+08:00

my bum hurts.

from another round of over-exertive badminton which saw me running around like a dog. in the midst of the game, an old coach walked up to me and started giving me some pointers. apparently, he couldn't tolerate the abuse i was getting from HD :-) or perhaps, he just couldn't take the way i was insulting the game with my hopeless excuse for techniques of the game.

in all my 35 years of playing, (ok, take away a few years since i didn't start holding the racket from the crib) nobody ever taught me the proper techniques. so, all these years, i have beeen running around that rectangular box like a mad-woman, doing all the wrong moves. i know there are those smart-alex out there who will pipe up and say that they have learnt their techniques merely from observation of professional matches. i confess, i belong to those dim-witted blur category, ok? so, sue me!

anyway, this kind, and ahem.... busybody, man taught me the correct way to hold the racket, stand and move. theoretically, i could see an instant improvement in my game. in practice however, my brain needs more time to communicate with my body. it's inspiring, i feel, to have a mere stranger take the effort to walk up, interrupt my game and point me in the correct direction. it's strange; the little ways that we can touch the lives of others.

the neighbourhood community organised a 'pre' moon lantern festival celebration last saturday.

i miss those days when we got together with all the cousins and walked around like idiots without a purpose, holding to our paper lanterns. when that got boring, we just burnt all the candles and melted them to a huge ball of wax. :-) hmmm....i think i may just conspire with the kids to do that this year.

did any of you look up on sunday to see this? have you forgotten how beautiful a rainbow is?

she

2006-09-29T11:47:00.000+08:00

she hides in the room to smoke and gamble.

she drinks wine, not cheap liquor mind you, until she is slightly tipsy in the night.

she gives out free loves and enjoys frolicking with the male sex.

she embraces and sleeps with her own sex when she is missing some tender loving care.

she talks to strangers and is friendly to any people from her own country, male or female.

she receives calls from people she doesn’t know, asking to be friends.

she resorts to drastic and silly actions when she realizes that she is unduly pregnant.

she has an alternative source of income, other than that dictated by her visa and not necessary legal.

she employs politics on her colleagues in order to achieve the position of seniority.

she tells lies as if it is part of her everyday entertainment.

she feigns ailments in order to escape her duties.

she has no qualms about stealing from her employers.

she plays the part of a meek lamb in front of her employer but is the total opposite when the head is turned.

she is a domestic maid.

escort service

2006-09-28T17:17:00.000+08:00

i don’t know when.

i don’t know how.

i seem to have picked up a part-time job recently. a niche post actually. something that you will never see in the classifieds, yet there appears to be a genuine demand for the service.

actually, my official title is ‘hospital escort’. yes, that’s what I do. i accompany people to the hospital for their visits to the doctors. old or young, men or women. open heart surgery or a simply haermorrhoid consultation. no job is too small for me.

my job scope?

i put on pretty clothes, hoping that the doctor will notice and let us jump queue in an effort to save my client some time.

i ask questions that appear intelligent and medically-based to make us all look good. perhaps some of these questions may have no relevance to the medical condition of my client, but someone has to make the small talk, right?

i do all the hard work and running around; collecting medicine, taking note of the dosage instructions, paying bills (of course i will have to be reimbursed for this, otherwise why else will i be performing the service?) and the flirting with handsome doctors.

i simplify the instructions on the rather complicated medicine sticker and re-write them in simple monosyllable for you; in whichever language you are proficient.

i provide amusing conversations to pass the time whilst waiting for the doctor, just incase i have failed to attract the attention of the gay doctor.

i provide personal reminders for the next appointment, which also translates into my next service charge.

sounds like a very simple job? there is more than meets the eye, mind you. i was pricked by the *&%$ing needle once, attempting to be doctor’s assistant after which i have made a mental note not to dress too sexily infront of the doctor again, lest he is unable to perform his function satisfactorily.

then there is the endless 'thumb-twiddling' wait and the endurance of stomach-growling hunger pangs through lunch hour.

most important, there is also the client factor. presently i have a hypochondriac patient as part of my clientele. someone who imagines that she is inflicted with all kinds of discomfort and will not rest until she visits the doctor and is given medication of one kind or another. a typical visit will go like this:

she: doctor ah, i feel pain here woh.

doc: here ah? oh, small pain never mind.

she: very painful woh. until cannot eat lah.

*slap* the doctor slaps me with a bill for medication.

she: my legs also feel very weak wor.

*slap* *slap* another bill.

she: and i cannot sleep at night. can give me some sleeping pills ah?

*slap* *slap* *slap*

i don’t quite mind, after all i am reimbursed for whatever bills i am slapped with, remember? however, i can hear the distant cries of someone’s wallet, screaming for help. still, how do you tell your client that it is all in her mind? so, i keep my mouth nicely zipped up and pocket my escort fees.

business seems to be a little quiet these days. anybody needs a hospital escort?

by the way, i charge by the hour. and there is no hanky-panky with the hired help.

reincarnation

2006-09-27T14:23:00.000+08:00

do you believe in reincarnation?

to be totally frank (i can't really be frank, can i? i am ms. me, and forever will be, not mr frank), i don't really subscribe to that belief. that when you leave this body, your soul survives and returnes in another physical form some time in the distant future. however, as impossible as the whole thing sounds to me, i am beginning to have my doubts.

yesterday, i witnessed with my very eyes, someone who is very eager to be on his way to his reincarnation. which is really strange, if you think about it, because he was not even dead yet. however, i sincerely believe that if he continues to practice his 'drive-like-a-drunken-ass' maneuvers, he is on the correct road to meet his maker, and very soon too.

this guy must have made his escape from las montanas' blog where he made a quick visit on monday. last night he was doing his magical lane-switching, squeezing-into-tight-spots and brake-every-2-seconds tricks again right in front of me. sorry fella, the audience wasn't impressed. infact, we were rather disappointed that the whole performance did not come to a crashing end. i was right behind him all the way home and my driver, aka HD, did not even have to perform any of those stunts. sheesh! makes you wonder why mr stunt driver had to do it in the first place.

today was one of those rare days where i had to attend a ~~bored~~ board meeting. having hung up my corporate suits and stiletto heels a long time ago, in exchange for disposable diapers and crayons, making the ocassional visit back is ....interesting. i have finally found the correct place and time to employ my dreaming-but-look-like-in-deep-thought looks.

over the years, many have asked me if i missed the corporate scene. but of course. you get to dress up everyday and look glamorous and important. nowadays, the only function that i get invited to and have the excuse to be all dolled-up will be for barbie's tea parties. i won't be a hypocritical asshole and say that i will give it all up again in the blink of an eye for the love and pleasure of being with my kids. you know kids. they can drive you insane sometimes. but a choice had to be made and i don't think i am the type who can look myself in the eyes if i have not done my best for them.

still, i think i made a pretty good trade. sometimes, like today, i get to put on my mascara, lip gloss, welcome back my stiletto heels and play the part of a corporate professional.

child

2006-09-26T10:48:00.000+08:00

i was invited to cher-cher’s ballet practice yesterday to review her work for the whole year. as with all young children, she was very excited and has reminded me over and over again that morning to attend and be punctual. it is quite sobering to have your daughter nag you about the importance of being on time.

so, i made an extra effort on monday morning to be there exactly on the dot, if not slightly earlier. it has never crossed my mind that my action may have any bearing on other 7-years-old. however, my presence triggered off something akin to hysteria in the ballet studio. eeeek!

the little kiddies started whining upon seeing that i am the first and only mother to turn up. yikes! five minutes down the line and a whole row of empty chairs, they degenerated to tears and uncooperativeness. looking left and right nervously, i didn’t quite know where to hide my face or my entire body for that matter. my good gesture to my daughter has caused other children to face their insecurities, making me feel like public enemy no. 1. pretty soon, i can imagine some of them giving me dagger-stares and boycotting my daughter. overactive imagination aside, mothers started rolling in 15minutes after the appointed time. phew! if only mothers knew the heartache they are capable of causing their children, i wish they had made more of an effort to be there at the appropriate time. i guess that is the problem with malaysians; bad time management. they will be late even for their own funeral!

having a kid is quite a blessing. all through life, there will always be people who want to change you. from what you are to what they like you to be. starting from homebase with your parents, who are forever nagging you to pick up your things, behave properly, eat the correct food and a whole other mountainload of requests - to be the best that you can be. your friends also wish you were more. more open, more giving, more time to spend with them, more fashionable. employers will like you to be more efficient, to contribute more to the money-making process and to be more punctual. your partner will be the worst. in the initial stage, they will want to erase all your bad habits and change you totally into someone else. everywhere, everyone. they have some requests of their own, trying to influence you to be more like what they want you to be.

only in a child's eye will you be perfect. beautiful despite the many imperfections on your physical attributes. melodious regardless of the fact that you are tone-deaf. wonderful eventhough you have lost your temper with them a few minutes ago.

it is humbling to receive so much love from someone else. love for you exactly as you are.

i read a quote somewhere: when a child realises that his parents are imperfect; he becomes an adolescent. when he forgives them for it, he becomes an adult.

of pain and playing

2006-09-25T09:58:00.000+08:00

the end of last week saw me being tormented by a very painful mouth ulcer. i never knew pain until that incident, and that coming from someone who has gone through child-birth twice, you can believe that it was severe. it wasn't so much that the pain was graded a 10 on the scale but more because it dragged on for the longest time. can you imagine a pain that lasts 24 hours round the clock for 4 long and endless days? not just one of those dull aches but a searing, head pounding, crippling kind of pain. pain when you try to open your mouth to talk, pain when you don't, pain when you put anything in your mouth, liquid or solid and pain even when you sleep. believe me, i have tried all types of remedy to cure the damn ulcer, short of gargling with acid and rubbing salt onto the wound. external, internal, watermelon, spray, gargling, whatever you may have...it's just a persistent freak. as it was, i spent the earlier part of the weekend mumbling and talking incoherently. the kids, however, sportingly took it as part of a charade game.

on sunday, i attempted something that i have laid aside for a number of years now, eversince the young one was born. playing badminton. notice that i chose the word 'attempted'? that was because the sport pretty much saw me picking up the shuttlecock more than attempting to hit it. perhaps i should rename it to 'pickaton'?

nevertheless, sunday's sport brought a moment of clarity into my life. now i know the reasons i will never be the next legendary rashid sidek. yes, at a fleeting moment in my life, i once dreamt of being a famous sports artiste, revered by many and adored by all. of course, that dream was quick to burst, especially after i failed the physical education test in school. how many people do you know scored a '0' for pull-ups? well, you are indeed honoured to be able to say that now you know at least one.

anyway, back to badminton. i realised that there were several contributory reasons for my not being able to achieve that glorified honour of a badminton champion:

1. my dimunitive physique. there is a reason that short people are not seen standing on the winner's podium. forget about killer smashes, i will be glad not to have a cramp in my neck from all the craning for the shuttlecock. there is only one way for the shuttlecock to come and it is usually from above, so when you are...erm...closer to the ground (that is a politically correct way to say 'short'), you are at an ackward and very tiring angle to catch a glimpse of the feathered thing. when you are at that angle, the light is also usually in your eye, causing you temporarily blindless when the shuttlecock is within the reach of your racket.

2. the damn shuttlecock doesn't drop right into my hand. and that happens 90% of the time. as much as HD tries to aim it straight for my racket, given that he is not a professional player, it has a tendency to fall out of my reach. which is pretty self-explanatory, i think. since it doesn't fall within my reach, there is a very high likelihood that i will miss it, right?

3. heavy leaded legs are not meant for playing badminton. who has heard of players with tons of weights attached to their legs? as much as my brain tells me to run for the shuttlecock, my legs act otherwise. they are pretty much stuck to the floor and there seems to be a delay mechanism, like those in live radio broadcast, attached to the process of telling it to run and the reaction, by which time it is always too late.

4. i blink. way too much. i think it has become a habit to me. everytime the shuttlecock is about to touch the racket, i blink. infact, i don't think i have ever seen the shuttlecock touch my racket. in that nano-second, a blink can be deadly to your game. it can make the difference between hitting the shuttlecock back to your opponent or it lying mockingly on the floor. someone should invent a device to keep the eyelids open during a game, perhaps a little like the thing dentist use to keep your mouth open for tooth extraction.

so, there you have it. i am not an inept player. there are just some contributory reasons causing me not to play at the very best.

are you convinced? no? well, i didn't think so.

mails

2006-09-20T16:31:00.000+08:00

i received two mails yesterday.

the first from a miss yana. a nice name, don't you think? the name almost rolls of my tongue and sounds melodic. the problem is, i don't know anybody named yana. with a subject header like “hi my dear” , it really grabbed my attention by the balls, that is if i had any. the contents went like this:

'Hallo!

I am a lovely and lonely Lady who is looking for the man who will make me happy and whom I want to feel like in paradise with! If you want to be my beautiful Hero who will save me from this loneliness find me http://www.iamsearching-forlove.com/mydarling/ and wake me up with a warm kiss.

talk to you soon
Yana

dear yana,

thank you for your interesting mail. whilst i appreciate your search for the man that will make you happy, i am sorry to say that i cannot be that person for you. for the very obvious reason that i do not have the necessary physical equipment to satisfy you and make you happy.

however, i do admire your courage and your faith in the belief that distributing such mails to everyone, regardless of race, religion or even sex will bring a gentleman to your attention. then again, perhaps you are not looking for a gentleman.

i wish you the very best in your endeavours and hope that your trawling methods will attract the required attention.

best wishes,
me

there you have it, guys.

those who dream of being somebody’s prince charming, or rescuing some gal from the castle of loneliness, you know where to log into. however, at some point in time, there may be demand for some cold hard cash tucked away in some small-print clause. still, there are some who believe that money can buy them temporary spans of happiness, or should i say orgasm, and i wish you the best of luck.

ok, my next mail.

from a man called timothy otis. my first thought; otis? isn’t that the lift? the lift man wrote to me? i may have pressed a few buttons by mistake, but i don’t think that justifies a letter from the big man himself, does it?

upon reading the contents, i realized that everyone else probably has received the same one at one point or another. i know i have read it several times before, sometimes by the snail mail even.

mr otis offers me a sum of US$4.35million as gratification, simply for partaking in some hare-brain scheme of his. apparently, some bigshot has passed away and none of his descendants know of this sum of money in his account. yah, right! so, if i were to contact him, and possibly give him the details of my bank account (he hasn't mentioned anything along that line at this juncture), i can gain access to that sum of money. hey friends, i am on my way to becoming richhhhhhhhhhh. that's like rm16.5 million. i can cash it all in $1 notes and make a mattress out of it!

dear mr otis,

thank you for your very kind offer.

i do not know how you have been able to obtain my "impressive" information from the "burkina faso chamber of commerce on foreign business relations" since i have absolutely no idea where on earth is burkina faso. however, your source of information is perhaps not of utmost importance in this case.

whilst your generosity has been unsurpassed, i am sad to inform you that i have to decline your offer. blame it on my upbringing but it has been instilled in me since young never to accept gifts from strangers, especially of this magnitude.

i do not doubt your sincerity in the offer and i am genuinely touched by your deep concern over this some of money. many would have turned a blind eye and walked on. the bank of africa is indeed fortunate to have a man of your integrity.

my religion does not permit me to be a silly, stupid and gullible fool and as such, with a heavy heart, i have to reject your offer.

nevertheless, i would like to extend my best wishes for finding an appropriate and gullible, i mean co-operative partner.

best wishes,
me

however, it is not like me to stop my very good friends from finding their pot of gold. for those who finds this offer irrestible and will like to have their shot at being a millionaire, you can contact mr otis at timothy_otis06@yahoo.co.uk.

when you are driving your porshe and smoking cuban cigars, please don't forget me.

a 'no-name' post

2006-09-20T11:20:00.000+08:00

one lesson i have learnt from yesterday - even with state-of-the-art laptop and hi-tech handphone, if you don't have an i.t.-savvy brain, you have nada, zilch, nothing, no internet connection.

yesterday saw me hunting down all avenues in a vain attempt to be connected to the web. i tried hooking up to a normal telephone line, stealing people's broadband, begging my handphone to 'speak' to my laptop and even contemplated buying a broadband roaming card. as you very well know, my mission was a failure.

the reason for my eagerness to log onto the web, despite the obvious reason of my addiction to blogging and the torturous withdrawal symptoms like itchy fingers, foggy brain and runny nose, was because i came to realise that my post on monday has caused many readers to be concerned about my mental being (that was an extremely long sentence, try beating that!). i don't even know why, i wasn't even sad. most readers seemed to have come to the conclusion that i am a depressed, unhappy and lost looney toon. i can almost see cocka standing at the side, with a couple of men in white coats and holding a strait jacket in anticipation. this is far from the thruth, though i must admit to the looney-toon bit.

please don't be unduly alarmed at my spats of 'depressing' or what other bloggers termed as 'heavy' posts. this blog is almost like my alter ego. whilst some have chosen to be bitchy, direct or whimsical in theirs, i wanted this to be the place where i sometimes stop, think and look deeper into myself. what you see here is not what you will see in real life. you know the type of people who looks like they are all serious and in deep thought when they are silent, but are actually phasing out and daydreaming? i'm like that. most of the time when i am quiet, i am not brooding or being depressed. i am lost somewhere in that wild imagination of mine and i have turned off my brain. so, this is where i switch it back on again.

this is the place i bare all. in my world, my mouth is as tightly shut as a clam. i cannot open up, short of you boiling me first, as with the clam :-) so, i choose to do it here. sometimes, i peel off the layers of the onion to ask myself how i really feel. if you look hard, you'll realise that most times i use the word 'perhaps' and question marks. it's more like i am throwing my thoughts out there and asking people who have become my friends about the way i feel. i write without first deliberating, i let my emotions guide me. so, please don't be misled that i am always depressed and unhappy. on the contrary, i am always smiling.

at times, i have my low moments, as with everybody else. come tomorrow, the sun always shine again. being privy to my innermost thoughts in here may come across as indigestible for some, for i always seem to be so serious and depressed. i come in, i think about how i feel a little and then i leave it here and go back to my happy blur self. so, if you do come across another one of my depressing posts, please don't worry about me. i'm just letting off some steam. and if you don't know what to comment, you can always pull my leg like mr cocka does. i'll always be in the mood to laugh :-)

ok, seriousness aside. too much grim talks make one age prematurely :-)

yesterday, mr bean had to make a visit to the hospital, for a small outpatient operation. no, not rowan atkinson. my old bean (does that make HD the young bean?) it was a simple enough procedure, and everything went smoothly (this is the part where i get on my hands and legs and pray my thanks to the heavens above). i seemed to have become accustomed to that hospital from the numerous visits that i have been making in the recent years. i should start making a list of which doctors i have already made acquaintance. i was going to say 'and see if i can break my personal record' but i don't think that anymore visits to a doctor will be a good thing.

i had to cut this post prematurely short because i have run out of time. i may expand on it in the afternoon. then again, i may not.

you know the hardest part about this post? naming it.

monday

2006-09-18T15:02:00.000+08:00

i'm in a very strange mood today. a little bit of bitterness, a little bit of sweetness, a dose of sleepiness (from late night watching of korean series) and a tinge of muddleness.

i have something that i want to blog about - a topic close to the heart. however, being one year older has taught me that there are times when it is better to bite your tongue and keep quiet, rather than open up for the world to see. perhaps it is age. perhaps it is wisdom. i have learnt that sometimes i will do better by swallowing down by words and letting it pass. a part of me wants to leave it all here, so that i continue my journey without the burden. however, another part of me understands that words once spoken, there is no taking it back. maybe another time...

i am feeling so restless today. like there is something i want to be doing. organise a get-together perhaps? i certainly have one of those outstanding. maybe a party? halloween's still another month to go, so that will have to wait. i miss having a party though. a frenzy to get food prepared, a bustle of activities for decoration and invitation, a lot of hoo-hahs and finally, leaving all the cleaning up to the maid. yes, something...but what? the spirit is willing but the body is weak. or maybe lazy.

i had a wonderful lunch with an old friend today. perhaps the icing was the hug at the end of the day. it felt like a small part of the iceberg that is my heart melted away. maybe i am on the right track to getting the fire and warmth back. the problem with being an adult is that you put so many walls around yourself, protecting yourself from any possible way of getting hurt. so much so that you have managed to isolate every single thing in your life. you don't even know that you are doing it and it is all a subconscious reflex....... until one day, you realise that you feel nothing at all.

a little heavy on monday, don't you think? yes, definitely too heavy for me. i want to have fun.

the final instalment

2006-09-16T17:04:00.000+08:00

a post on saturday?! wow, my cog-wheels must be really turning!

to those readers who were a little concerned about my frame of mind yesterday, don't worry. my thoughts come and goes. i come up with very silly thoughts and ideas and it's just a part of who i am and the creativity that is also part and package of it. it knocks around a little in that grey cranium of mine and then leave without so much as a trace. today is another day.

you know what the problem is with having your birthday (yes, yet another post on that 'b' word!) towards the latter half of the year? when your birthday finally comes around, and your friends pop around with lunch invitations, you begin to wonder if they are returning a favour (because you bought them lunch for theirs) or there is a genuine sincerity to want to celebrate your special occasion with you. it isn't much fun if people are doing it out of gratitude and i suspect that it is the case 98% of the time. unfortunately, you will never know the thruth, unless you choose to ignore theirs in the first place. which, to me, isn't really an option because i like to take that opportunity to show my friends that i really do care.

so, what is a girl to do? what the heck! take whatever you get and shove the crazy logic to the dumps!

come birthday, i get a little eccentric, i think. i can't tolerate flowers (gifts i greedily accept! hahaha!) from mere acquaintance or business associates, especially those that was sent my their secretaries. you look at the card and you go, 'hey, this fella's handwriting didn't use to look like this??!!'. the only personal contact with the sender was probably from the dollar bills that was extracted to pay for the flowers. frankly, spending money like that doesn't impress me one bit.

nor those sent by organisations. try convincing me that they actually care when you popped out eons ago! just more marketing gimmick to this highly cynical lass.

this year, i realised that the best part of my birthday for the past decade and more is waking up to the same voice every year that greets me 'happy birthday' even before i open my eyes :-)

HD and the kids finally came up with the special home-made cake that i wished for, with an ounce of sweetness and a pound of love.

from this.............

to this..........

excuse me whilst i dig my teeth in it. yummmmmmm!

second thoughts

2006-09-15T10:19:00.000+08:00

whilst i am celebrating life, someone, somewhere, is staring death in the face.

whilst i am in the middle of merry-making, surrounded by people who love me, someone is suffering by herself in a land far from those she yearns to see.

should i temper my happiness, in recognition of the sorrow that she feels? or should i work harder at living my life to make up for her loss? when i have fun, should i dismiss the unhappy thoughts so that i can immerse myself fully in the joy? or should i remind myself that there is someone out there who is tipping the downside on the scales, to make up for my upside?

i thought i wanted to spend my birthday holding a glass of red wine, with a piece of delicious steak in front of me. now i am not too sure, it seems a little excessive.

if happiness is of a finite amount in this world and there is a quota as to how much happiness can go around, perhaps if i take a little less, someone may be able to receive a trickle more. A naïve thought perhaps but somehow, having a feast on my birthday doesn't feel quite right anymore.

yet, if you ask me to give up a little of the happiness i have now so that others in return can be happy, i don't think i can. if i lose the things that matter to me now, it will break my heart and soul.

so, what can i do?

all that comes to mind is exchanging my plate of steak for a plate of vegetables. if i liken my steak to a life of opulence, then my vegan diet on my birthday should serve as a reminder to keep things simple, to always leave some for others and to appreciate everything and everybody as it comes....everyday.

yesterday and today

2006-09-14T10:33:00.000+08:00

wednesday was busy, busy, busy. did some running around for a friend's birthday gift and the celebratory cake. then it was back to more of that tiresome, boring and senseless activity called work. infact, i was immersed in that pointless thing until it was time to knock off for dinner with my friend, which left my head a little dizzy and empty at the start of the evening.

dinner with friends was nice, though i would have preferred a cosier place to chat. my ideal celebration would be with a glass of red wine in my hand, a medium-well grilled steak on my plate in a dimly-lighted small and cosy place, with some music flowing in the air and some good friends providing the entertaining chatter. sounds heavenly. however, i still have lots of work to do in the 'friend' department.

as it was, i had to shuttle between the toilet and the dinner table for my sick little boy who was suffering from diarrhoea. there's something about visits to toilets and wiping soiled behinds that makes food unappetising, don't you think?

bumped into some acquaintances when dinner was nearly coming to a close. i really should learn to work more on my fake smile and pretentious warm handshake. never realised i was so failing in that department until my friend told me to stop smiling because it looked so fake. i guess my face does subconsciously reflect my emotions, whether i realise it or not. perhaps it is a blessing that i do not have to face the office politics for i believe i will wither in the process. or perhaps it is because i choose not to partake in such activities, thus i have become very inadept at being so pretentious. whichever, i thank my lucky stars that i do not have to subject myself to that which i cannot tolerate to bring food to the table.

speaking of office politics, i have another birthday date to go to today. and for the record, for those who have been wishing me happy birthday in almost every post, it is not my birthday! when i finally don't talk about birthdays, then you will know that mine has passed. this party that i am supposed to attend today is held right in the middle of the collosseum - you know, in ancient roman times, when the slaves were thrown into the pit for the lions to devour? yes, that is where i will be heading off for lunch. where people look at me from my head, slowly down to my feet and all the way back up again. each time, i have to restrain my hands from digging their eyes out and smile sweetly while i wait for them to finish their trek back to my face.

which is why it is very important that i choose my attire for today with utmost care. not too grand. not too casual. not too revealing. not to stuffy. the perfect one comes to mind.

excuse me while i go suit up in my armour. and wish me luck, won't you? if you don't see me here tomorrow, you will know that i have been eaten by the lions.

not another birthday post!

2006-09-12T11:51:00.000+08:00

:-D

it is actually quite embarrasing. to have everybody keep wishing me happy birthday , yet it is not even my birthday. i feel like i am carrying on a birthday scam or something.

initially, i wanted to talk about birthdays, birthdays and nothing but birthdays for the rest of the week. however, i am fast running out of things to talk about and i am beginning to bore even myself. i will content with dropping the word 'birthday' all over today's post.

however, i will not go without kicking. i will mention that i know 15 people whose birthday falls in the month of september. this is probably the most popular month of the year for the little ones to come out hollering....for the obvious reason that mummies and daddies have nothing better to do on christmas day, new year eve and even new year's day. so, the most obvious entertainment, especially with all the festive alcohol swimming inside you, will be to.....(sorry, this is a PG site). infact, september is almost like a land-mine. move a few steps and you find yourself in close proximity of another bomb, and depending on the relationship with the bomber, you may find your wallet blown to smithereens!

today i managed to locate some de-bonder, to unglue my heavy bottom from the chair and send it off to the nearest supermarket for some household essentials. it was a pretty uneventful chore, until a man walking towards me from the opposite direction took an uncanny interest in the contents of my cart.

okay, we all do it too. usually, we will look out of the corners of our eyes at other people's carts and smirk knowingly at the 'junk-food middle-aged man' or the 'health food fanatic'. manners dictate that we usually do it with as much discreetness as we can muster. however, this fella was nearly sticking half his head in my cart, i tell you. he practically had his eyes glued to the contents, to the point that i nearly wanted to ask him, 'is there something in here that you want?' even when i blatantly ignored him and continued pushing my cart away, he kept his vision glued to the inside of my cart. not pretty little me, mind you. the cart. his head nearly turned in the style of 'exorcist' trying to keep up with my moving cart. some of you may believe that he is from a brands research company but i am more convinced that he comes from the 'bbp' category - busy-body pervert.

next stop - the dry cleaners. the man behind the counter was taking his own sweet time to locate my clothes, and as you know there isn't much action or entertainment going on in the wash and press place, so i entertained myself with the price list. yes, very happening and exciting - not! :-p

anybody wants pressed flat undies, without any wrinkles or folds, at $2.50 per piece? i know just the place to go. superman may just be interested, let me give him a call.

my birthday wish

2006-09-11T14:34:00.000+08:00

monday started out with on overdose of sweetness from the comments left by my very kind readers. i was all psyched up for another 5-days rally of blogging and story-telling. unfortunately, i have been so engrossed with labelling, boxinization (HD came up with this word for my habit of putting everything into lock-&-lock boxes) and re-arranging that i couldn't quite squeeze it into my morning schedule; otherwise read: another of virgo's idiotic idisyncracies. that's why it's always better to let sleeping dogs lie. virgos will not be satisfied until all their underwears are arranged according to colour and everything else lying around the house in their respective, labelled boxes. given a chance, there will be a box in my house labelled 'dust'. that's why i am still feeling so itchy and uncontented, because i still have half a house left to organise and i am fast running out of 'lock-&-lock' boxes.

anyway, afternoons usually present me with a little more free time and hence, you are reading the fruit of my labour now. however, this later half of the day also means that i am stuck behind a very slow modem, which is suppose to connect at the pitiful speed of 56k but is in fact putting me in touch with the world at a measly 21 to 35k. i haven't even mention the fact that the connection is dropped every few minutes and i have to jump out of wherever or whatever i am doing here to re-connect it. by the time i am done reading all my regular blogs, my brain is half-dead and i am more exhausted than a 3 hour marathon at the gym. for those who falls in the second half of my regular list, sigh! i'll just have to catch up with you tomorrow morning, when i have access to a more decent connection. so, it is something of a miracle that you are reading this post right now, just as i am on the verge of pulling out all my hair in frustration. for some reason, jumping off a cliff looks very tempting to me right now. or better still, throwing my laptop, the land-line and everything else that is linked to it down into the deep ravine. i'm losing my sanity very quickly!

backtracking a little to the start, everybody was absolutely precious to have given me the re-assurance to continue writing, despite the fact that i am a very long-winded writer. however, most of you didn't put in your guess for my birthday wish, with the exception of fantasyflier. however, neon purple top and matching pants doesn't sound like he has made a very serious effort either.

for the past few years, i have came up with wish lists that includes louis vuitton wallet, lv organiser, gucci handbag, sony camera and a whole list of other things that would have burnt a rather big hole in the wallet of the giver. perhaps it should serve as a lesson to them that they should never, never ask what i want for my birthday. recent years, however, i have toned down my requests slightly, perhaps because i do not crave for branded items anymore. of late, i have asked for perfume and earrings from my brother and sister-in-law. anyone have any inkling why? so when people compliments me on the fragrance that i use and the earrings that look so unique, i can tell them that my brother / sil gave them to me. it sounded very warm to my ears and serves as a constant reminder that i am loved. what else could be better?

this year. this year i am asking for something again. this time my daughter has volunteered to get it for me. yes, my 7-year old cutey. she eagerly told me that she will accede to my request for a home-made birthday cake, complete with icing and decoration.

practice run took place over the weekend, which kind of flopped. it looks picture-pretty though and doesn't taste half bad. i took some pictures and could have posted them for you to see......but with this backward dungeon that i am stuck in, do you think i will have something as advance as a link to download my photos? dream on.

anyway, i love the time, the effort and the love that goes into a home-made cake, baked with just me in mind. :-D

i-dunno-how to-name-this-post

2006-09-08T14:40:00.000+08:00

judging from the dwindling comments left in my box, 'whysokaypo' may have to be closed down several months down the road, for reason of lack of readership. i believe i have been boring my readers silently to death. so, if you see the bloggers in the sphere dropping down one by one like flies, you know it's because they have been silently following my blog.

i brought my grandma for a follow-up visit to the doctors yesterday and i spent the better half of the day waiting in queues.

were you expecting me to say something more about the wait? there is nothing exciting and glorious about waiting. you just basically arrange your bottom on the chair nearest to a television and tune out until you hear a distant voice calling the name of the patient. everybody wears that bored-to-death look and the i-need-to-go-to-toilet-but-will-they-call-my-name-while-i-am-gone face. otherwise, a visit to the doctor is not quite worth repeating. they hold a cold stethescope against your body, stick some needle into you and send you off with another appointment. and why is it that there is always, always a second appointment? you can walk into a specialist's clinic (normal gp doesn't practice this abnormal standard) looking very sunny and fit and the doctor gives you a clean bill of health. then when you walk past the nurse, she will say, 'so, your next visit is in two months' time. do you want to fix the date today?' hello? the doctor just said i was a-okay. why am i coming back for? how do you know i will be sick in two months' time? i was not even given any medication this time, doesn't that tells you i do not need to come back?

today is a different story. i am suffering from discomfort and pain. can anyone see my pouting lips here? i must have twisted my back muscle when i was attempting asfnsdnfaaskdfn yesterday. i can never hear the name of the yoga moves i was supposed to be doing, so don't expect me to repeat it here. as it is, i can't sit too straight. i can't slouch. i can't lean too far right or left. so, i am trying to maneuver my body into a neither straight, nor slouching, neither left nor right position to ease off the pain. if you ask me, the difficulty level is harder than some of the yoga moves.

do you know what i wish for my birthday? what? not another post about my birthday?!! hey, there must be trailers before the big event, right? nevermind, consider me as a self-centered old fool. i want to talk about my birthday. believe me, there will be plenty more posts about the same topic! after all, it only comes by once a year so the least i can do is talk about it! ha!

every year i get to put two things on my wishlist. since my near and dear can't figure out what i will possibly want or what i like, they decided that the easiest and quickest method will be to ask me to name it. takes the surprise and suspense out of the whole thing but at least i don't end up with neon pink exercise top and matching pants.

most years i am quite lost about what i really need to make my day. this year, however, i have my sight on something. and i am going to get it, come what may. so, anybody want to make it their guess?

freaking and frustration

2006-09-07T09:49:00.000+08:00

the mood for today is frustration. arrrghhh!

if you step into my store room and shoe closet for a little while, you will find that i like everything to be very neat and proper, in its own place and labelled, preferably in alphabetical order. this is one of the symptoms of a typical virgo's mind, a little obsessive if you must know. think in terms of the movie 'sleeping with the enemy'. if i give my ocd (obsessive-compulsive disorder) a chance to work it's best, i would be turning all the labels on the canned food to face center.

however, this does not mean that i am particularly neat, as HD will promptly protest. i have too much crap and too little time to organise it, and hence i am often surrounded by piles of things that need my attention. however, i hastly point out that the fact that they are in piles and not scattered everywhere is testament of my tendency to organise but perhaps also reflective of the lack of control over my schedules.

perhaps at this point, you fail to see the relevance of my ocd with my mood for today. you see, i have a box in my store room. this box has been there from the very first day that i have moved in. in it, i kept the things that i need for work; things that i will not need very often but nonetheless, requires them every now and then. it may make more sense to keep them beside me, near my working table but as space is pretty limited, it has been shelved into the store room.

which is fine, really, until the day when my anal region became a little itchy and i decided to move it. i figured that it wasn't in the most ideal place and perhaps cluttering the store room a little. so, after some brain-racking, i moved it to a more appropriate place. and hence comes my problem. a few months down the road, i realise that i have forgotten where the damn box is. my house is pretty small and storage is limited. so, there is only a handful of places that it could be. believe me, i have looked in all the nooks and crooks but it is still missing in action. sigh!

when your mind is set to remember something as belonging to a fixed place, it simply refuses to process any new information. right now, it still believes that the box is in the store room, eventhough i have vehemently reminded it that it has been moved. that grey area remembers the physical part of moving the box but the frame of picture showing where i have moved it to has been erased. wicked brain.

i am also pretty freaked out today. as another testament to my butt-itchiness, i installed site-meter in my blog. to check out the activities that surround 'whysokaypo'. i thought i knew who my readers are and i am pretty confident i know where you guys are holed up. the freaky part is when i realise i have people from USA, India (india, my friend?!), Negeri Sembilan, Hong Kong, Sabah and even one unknown country logging in. okay, okay. you guys will debate that since this is a public website, it's not surprising that i have people from all over reading it. however, if you realise, i have not been a very high-profile blogger. i don't visit other blogs in order to attract more readers, only those that have become my friend. i don't actually advertise the presence of my blog to people. and the topics i write about will hardly come up as the top searches for people looking for something fun. granted, some of them popped in through references from your blogs but others actually knew where to go, straight here from nowhere. and it freaks me out.

so, all those invisible readers, it will be nice if you can pop your head in and just say hi. so that i know you too. instead of freaking me out.

the luckiest person in the world

2006-09-06T09:54:00.000+08:00

las montanas' post about being as happy as your dog got me thinking on the subject of happiness.

i have a friend. and i consider him the luckiest person in the world.

he has all the things that people everywhere spend so much time searching for.

a family who loves and acknowledges him,

a beautiful girlfriend in a stable relationship,

a nice car (er...i don't know much about cars, but as long as it looks decent and it moves without hiccups, it's a nice car to me)

a nice place to make a home,

a business to call his own,

a passion in his work,

a nice social life to balance out the stress of work

and not having to worry about where the next meal will come from.

those are things that many people spend most of their lives looking for, isn't it? for most of us, one or more of the above remains elusive and therein, lies the restlessness and dissatisfaction i see so often around me.

i don't know whether the problem lies in me or those encompassing me. everybody that i know seems to be unhappy. discontented, disillusioned and disappointed. with exactly what in life, not all of them may know. all they know is that they are searching. looking for the missing link that makes them happy.

it seems a little sad to me. to be searching for something that is intangible, invisible and in all probability, does not exist. perhaps they already have what they are looking for all along, staring at them in the face. they just don't know to realise it.

therein lies the luck of my friend. not in the material things that he has. not in the fancy office, name card or car. but rather in the contentment and the satisfaction he derives from his life. for those cynical souls, not contentment to the extreme that you do not pursue for greater things in your life. but contentment knowing that you will slowly and surely make your way there. contentment knowing that you are already getting so much from life. and the appreciation to acknowledge it.

as an irony, another friend of mine has always regarded me as the luckiest person in the world. perhaps i am too. we never see ourselves as the luckiest one, for by comparison another pasture always seem to be greener. perhaps i may not have the same exact list of possessions that he has and i am still searching for a satisfaction that will complete my life, but i have my own list of things to be grateful for.and so, i do believe that i am the luckiest person in the world.

how about looking introspectively? perhaps you will discover that you are also one of the luckiest person in the world.

a broken tradition

2006-09-05T09:41:00.000+08:00

sigh!

i have been doing the same thing on this day, every year, for the past twenty years.

however, today i am not able to carry out that which already seems like tradition to me.

to be very honest, on some years it seemed more like a chore. on others, it was just another excuse to get in touch.

i never knew to appreciate those times. i never knew that it will be taken away from me.

i feel lost today.

Though you are not here
wherever I go or whatever I do
I see your face in my mind
and I miss you so
I miss telling you everything
I miss showing you things
I miss our eyes
secretly giving each other confidence
I miss your touch
I miss our excitement together
I miss everything we share
I don't like missing you
It is a very cold
and lonely feeling
I wish that you could be
with me right now
where the warmth of our love
would melt the winter snows
But since I can't be
with you right now
I will have to be content
just dreaming about
when we'll be together again

-Poem by Susan Polis Schutz

meme about me, me and me

2006-09-01T15:12:00.000+08:00

ever since i have joined the blogging scene a few months ago, this is the first time that i am feeling the pressure. i can almost feel the heat, my hearts thumps in anticipation.

i have been tagged once again. whilst this is no longer my virgin tag and i am no more a novice at it, i am still feeling the tension under the strain to perform. for this is no ordinary tag. i have been tagged by no other than the celebrity blogger, the prima-donna of the sphere. he does not visit any tom, dick and harry's blog. if and when he does visit yours, it is considered the utmost privilege. thus, when i learnt that he has tagged mere me, i nearly fainted from the honour. scrambling to regain control of my senses, i have been pondering on how to give my very best to this post.

*standing at attention* sir, yes sir. i promise to do my very best, sir. however, if you don't mind, i will rather give the 'kissing ass' bit a miss. my mother taught me to always leave some for another day, so perhaps i should leave this privilege for next time :-)

for those who are reading this post, consider yourself privileged to have laid eyes on an entry that was commanded by the famous celebrity.

his graciousness has requested that i write 6 random facts about myself. since he has put on such a performance that cannot be equalled by mere mortals, i have decided to follow suit by taking the serious route in a bid to show my utmost respect to him. as simple as it looks, this tag is very difficult because of the wide and varied direction it can take. perhaps i should jump in with both feet. *squeezing my nostrils and closing my eye*......

fact no 1.
i am a hokkien lang.

pretty self-explanatory. born and bred as a hokkien lang. though i must confess, i haven't been speaking much mother-tongue lately. reason being the infestation of the cantonese sect in my household :-)

fact no. 2.
my defence mechanism dictates that i often seem standoffish to people.

it's a sickness, aitelyu. i have no control over the cool air surrounding my physical presence or my aloof looks. then again, i don't exactly encourage people to get close either :-) kekeke *evil laughter*

fact no. 3
i can't stand raisins, cockles, oysters and bishop's nose.

so please don't make me puke by offering me some. as for the rest of the food, bring it on :-D

fact no. 4
i learnt to cycle at the ripe old age of 20 plus. and swimming too. all under the watchful eyes of my HD.

who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks. my next goal will be to learn ice-skating. perhaps not a very good idea given that my bones are probably more brittle in my old age, but who cares!

fact no. 5
there is a 94.857% chance that i will be feeling a little sad, a little lost and a little melancholy tommorow.

so, don't tick me off if you value your peace of mind. and don't ask me why, if you don't want me to ignore you.

fact no. 6
i closely resemble the panda bear by reason of permanent dark circles around my eyes. by coincidence (or not?!) i answer to the same name as one member of the panda family. and i bear a striking similarity to their characteristics as you can always find me lounging around, motionless on some nearby sofa. perhaps, i was reincarnated from one?

that was a difficult meme because i had to choose which 6 facts i want to state, out of the thousand and millions of things about me. perhaps what fact i have chosen to say says more about my character, than the actual details of the fact. therein lies the answer to my character. after all, that is what a meme is usually about; to let others know you a little better.

one thing i have learnt from this tag. when you receive a tag, get it done immediately. not because it is rude to sit on it. not because it is impolite to ignore it. and not because your ideas will flit away if you give it a chance to cool down.

rather, you should go about getting your tag done immediately so that you can tag someone else in the blogosphere, before everyone else that you know have been tagged, and thus, leaving you with no yummy choices.

my tag-gees....

1) of course, mr liew $3. as i have pre-warned him. eventhough titoki has tagged him but he has not done it, so i guess i might as well tag someone who has already been tagged. not making any sense? no point in killing more brains in the blogosphere. mr liew, considered it an honour to be tagged by the taggee who was in turn tagged by the prima-donna of the sphere. you can laugh in your sleep at night, knowing that you are working on the same tag that was once touched by the high and mighty celebrity.

2) sengkor. he has been pretty quiet lately, aside from his a-go-go posts. would be nice to hear from him again. wondering if his mask left a pale impression on his face when he went frolicking in the sand and sun.

comeon guys, it's your turn now. before all the other bloggers have done it and you are left with no one to tag :-)